[Help- Chữa bài]Line graph

Question

Mình mới học viết task 1, hôm trước có làm 1 bài viết mọi người có thể sửa giúp mình được không ạ ? Và chấm thử mình bài mình ở band nào ạ ?

The line graph below shows changes in the amount and type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers from 1975 to 2000.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

  The graph illustrates the variation in consumption of three kinds of fast food (pizza, hamburgers, fish and chips) in Australia over 25 years from 1975 to 2000

  Overall, the expenditure on fish and chips made a considerable downward trend, while the amount of pizza and humburgers experienced an inverse correlation, which increased over the period.

  As is observed from the figures of fish and chips consumed, starting with a peak of 100 and then declined slightly to around 80 times in 1980. However, throughout the following five years was a gentle rise to nearly 90 times before falling dramatically again to approximately 40 times in 2000.

 On the contrary, the consumption of pizza and hamburgers were only about 10 times in 1975 but this figure didn't stop, it increased significantly over the period. To be more specific, in hamburgers, there was a surge to a point of nearly 80 in 1985, after that it was witnessed a gradual growth when over 15 years the number of times eaten hamburgers just rised more 20 units. Likewise, pizza soared to about 80 in 1995 before remaining static to 2000.

 

Answer 1

Hì bạn,

mình thấy bài bạn viết tốt, mỗi đoạn có topic sentence , tuy nhien bài hơi ngắn , hình như chua đủ 150 từ.

với lại bang chinh chỗ nay nữa để bài tốt hơn nha , thay vi đâu phay bạn dùng chữ as sẽ hay hơn: but this figure didn't stop as it increased significantly over the period. 

Mới học mà viết vậy là tốt đó bạn :)

Comments

tks đã góp ý, bài này được tầm 170 từ mà :))

Answer 2

 

  The graph illustrates the variation in consumption of three kinds of fast food (pizza, hamburgers, fish and chips) in Australia over 25 years (over a period of 25 years: xài cụm này cho nó hay ^^) from 1975 to 2000 

 

  Overall, the expenditure on fish and chips made a considerable downward trend, while the amount of pizza and humburgers experienced an inverse correlation, which increased over the period. (chỗ này xài expenditure ko đúng lắm vì trên biểu đồ là số lần tiêu thụ)

 

  As is observed from the figures of (for) fish and chips consumed (không cần consumed cũng dc), starting with a peak of 100 and then declined slightly to around 80 times in 1980. However, throughout the following five years was a gentle rise to nearly 90 times before falling dramatically again to approximately 40 times in 2000.

 

 On the contrary, the consumption of pizza and hamburgers were only about 10 times in 1975 but this figure didn't stop, it increased significantly over the period. To be more specific, in hamburgers, there was a surge to a point of nearly 80 in 1985, after that it was( bỏ was nha) witnessed a gradual growth when over 15 years the number of times eaten hamburgers just rised more 20 units. Likewise, pizza soared to about 80 in 1995 before remaining static to 2000.

 

mình sửa vài lỗi ngữ pháp và dùng từ. mình thít viết theo văn phong đơn giản giống thầy simon nên bài của bạn nhìn có vẻ hơi phức tạp. cũng chưa thấy dc sự so sánh giữa các đối tượnng trong phần thân bài

Comments

tks mình sẽ sửa