các bạn xem giúp mình bài này với.thanks ^_^ ielts task 2:How much risk is acceptable in the pursuit of scientific and technological progress?
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Science and technology are evolving in the direction of modernization  to satisfy the demand of human. Inevitably, progress would entail risks. However, some of them can be acceptable and overcome.

First of all, I would like to mention the influence of science and technology on the environment and nature. For the in-depth research, scientists have to use ingredient from nature. For example, the animals which are capable of experiment such as mice or rabbits are commonly used to test the potion or chemotherapy. Consequently, useful medicaments have appeared. However, the quantity of animals have decreased significantly, thereby leading to the ecological imbalance. Environment is also affected seriously because of  biochemical reactions. Hence, progress must be accompanied with natural conversation.

The next point I would like to make is the health problems. Although scientific and technological advances can help people  cure many diseases, there have been a lot of new epidemic arising due to ecological changes. People living in industrial areas are considered to be suffered from respiratory and heart diseases with very high number. Recent studies also have shown that the rate of cancer mortality is increasing considerably. In addition, the modern electronic equipment makes people become dependent. If we use a computer or smart phone for a long time, this surely lead to spine diseases and myopia. As a result, new diseases, technological dependence and the problem of psychological and physiological changes have caused the profound impact on our life.

At last, I think the pursuit of scientific and technological progress has a dramatical effect on the economy. Many countries have invested a lot of money in these advances, but not all of them bring a good result. Recently, some of them have caused the severe economic depression so that citizens have to face with difficulties. Not only does the country carry out modernization but also contiguous others can be affected. Governments should propose new methods to improve and overcome these issues.

In brief, there have been many risks which people must face with when pursuing the improvement of science and technology. As I mentioned earlier, which is a little part of the topic. In my opinion, the effective method for this is the right awareness in working and acting.
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Ok, here's what I think after reading your essay:

+ The focus: I think you haven't given due attention to having a good focus. This helps readers easily identify the thesis of each paragraph. Wandering is your enemy. Therefore you should know beforehand what you're going to say and stick to it.

+ Vocabulary: Below I'll list some words that I think were misused:

"in-depth" means "in great detail; comprehensive" as in "an in-depth treatise on the theory of functions".

"potion" is a magical drug, medicine.

"electronic equipment" refers to an equipment that controls the flow of electrons. It should not be mistaken with an "electronic device".

And one more thing, only use words that best convey your idea. Don't worry yourself with the thought that you have to make extensive use of academic words to get high score. Not, at least, from the start. You should write in simple language first. Other polishing could be done in later rewriting.

+ Logical assumption: Beware of making fallacies, which are unfounded or illogical assumptions. Here I'll just list a few (because I'm short of time, I won't go into detailed analysis of each fallacy)

"However, the quantity of animals have decreased significantly, thereby leading to the ecological imbalance"

"Although scientific and technological advances can help people  cure many diseases, there have been a lot of new epidemic arising due to ecological changes"

"Many countries have invested a lot of money in these advances, but not all of them bring a good result. Recently, some of them have caused the severe economic depression so that citizens have to face with difficulties"

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Though I have a few more things to say, I'll have to leave them till another time.

I hope these small tips can help you with your next attempt:

+ Be clear. Be simple. Say only what is needed. Leave out all the padding words and sentences, which should only serve to obstruct the reader's understanding. Use only words that you really know. If you could, be aware of the effect your words produce on the readers.

+ Revision is also important. You should spend 5-10 minutes on revising your work- leaving out the irrelevancies, checking the logic of your statement, making any necessary wording or grammatical change.
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Thanks Vũ Ngọc đã giữ lời hứa nhưng bài này ko phải mình viết, bạn này trùng tên vs mình thôi ^-^

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