Mình mới học viết essay, các bạn chữa cho mình với

Question

Topic:
Explain the likely consequences of requiring students to wear uniforms

Nowadays, the term "uniform" has become an indispensable ingredient in most places, such as hospitals, offices, restaurants and also, schools. There are quite a lot of opinions nowadays that students should be free from having to wear uniforms at school and supporting the idea that they wear their own style. But surely there are more advantages to keep this rule at school and actually, students are benefited from this.
Firstly, school is the place where lots of students from rich to poor go to. If rules don't prevent students from wearing their style, there would possibly be bullies and isolation for the ones whose conditions are worse than others. Wearing the same clothes would definitely makes the children feel the sense of unity among them. This also helps the child to overcome its own environment that he was brought up in, and blend into the feeling of togetherness. School uniforms brings children together in a place where there is no racism, especially in international schools.
Another great benefit is the uniqueness of uniforms. Each school has its own style and uniform colors. Nowadays many schools are designing more fashionable uniforms to please children's new styles. Wearing school uniforms makes students feel proud about their school. The uniqueness can also help school officers realize them in case of emergency. Theft and other dangers would be avoided since people are all using a same dress code. Without an uniform, a school would lack all the friendliness.
In conclusion, an uniform is probably affordable, and also keeps us safe in the protection of school and friends. All consequences lead me to the point of supporting uniforms at schools.

Answer 1

Mình xem sơ qua thì thấy cách diễn đạt của bạn hơi ảnh hưởng từ văn nói.

Ví dụ, " quite a lot of", "But surely", "and actually", " from rich to poor go to"...

"proud about" -> "proud of"

Mình nghĩ bạn nên có sự thống nhất về đại từ. Như uniform-uniform, hay child - children. Đôi khi có những chỗ còn hơi lúng túng. "This also helps the child to overcome its own environment that he was brought up in, and blend into the feeling of togetherness" -> his or her own environment?

togetherness? -> harmony?

À một điều nữa, "don't" thì nên viết thành "do not" nha bạn.

Mình chỉ có một số ý kiến như vậy. Bạn tham khảo nha.

Answer 2

Nowadays; co minh ko cho dung tu nay trong van viet,

There are quite a lot of opinions nowadays that : minh nghi cau nay ban chia dong tu sai

proud about their school" proud of

School uniforms brings children: bring

 don't: van viet ko viet tat

Wearing the same clothes would definitely makes: make

Firstly: li do sao ban dung firstly? ( co firstly thi phai co secondly, finally).

 

Answer 3

'Nowadays' => Nên thay thành 'In today society' sẽ hay hơn

'quite a lot' =>> a large number (dùng theo cách của bạn hơi giống văn nói)

There are quite a lot of opinions nowadays that ....

=> Bỏ nowadays luôn nha bạn

But surely there are more advantages to keep....

=> Câu này hơn văn nói, có thể dùng Nobody can deny that.../It is a fact that ....

'togetherness' ???

feel proud about => Be proud of

don't => do not (trong văn viết tránh viết tắt)

Nhìn chung, bài viết của bạn tương đối tốt, bạn nên sử dụng thêm một số điểm ngữ pháp/ cấu trúc câu đặc biệt, tránh viết theo lối văn nói, nên sử dụng thêm các từ nối như Moreover, Additionally, What is more,...

Answer 4

Minh co mot so y kien ban tham khao nha :)
Nhin chung bai viet cua ban co y nhung chua dc academic lam ve cach su dung tu loi chinh ta va ngu phap. ko nen dung dau phay truoc va sau AND

Ban nen dung cac tu noi de dien dat y nhu however, in addition, moreover, nevertheless, meanwhile...

Phan than bai ban nen tach lam 2 doan firstly, secondly... moi doan can mot cau thesis statements ro rang vi cau nay noi len y cua ca doan nen rat quan trong.