Some people believed that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree?
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Today parents are concerned about their children's relaxation more than ever. Many parents hold the opinion that their kids's recreation is literally time-wasting without educational content and methods. I strongly agree with this statement. In the following essay, I will discuss in detail the benefits and advantages of educational leisure programmes for children.

Based on my own experience, I think parents should help their children choose academic relaxation activities rather than give their kids the freedom to spontaneously decide how they spend their spare time because of the following reasons. Firsly, it is obvious that kids lack of the capabilities to distinguish which leisure activities are suitable to them. Most children choose a certain extra-curricular activity because they think it is hectic and exciting or the activity is popuraly played by many of their friends . Sadly, children cannot be aware of the negative effects from the activity they choose. For instant, lots of kids enjoy playing computer games without noticing that computer-game additon might lead to laziness and procrastination in their suty. Secondly, eduactional activities, which help children have fun and get educated simultaneously, can significantly stimulate children's personality development because researchers prove that children have great ability of learning and absorbing knowledge while playing. Thirdly, educational relaxation programmes enable parents to supervise their kids' spare time and to protect their children's lives from bad effects caused by unhealthy leisure activities.

However, the market providing academic recreation to kids is a bit saturated with numerous options and places. Many programmes are of low quality with unthotough organization. Therefore, in order to maximize the effectiveness of educational relaxation activities, parents should spend time and efforts in searching for appropriate offers and programmes. As far as I have concerned, there is another draw-back of academic recreation is that those activities are offered at high prices, which may cause difficulty for parents with lower income to afford a good programme for their children.

On the whole, I believe eduactional entertainment activities play an important role in the personality developing process of every child. In the future, there should be more academic leisure programmes offered at lower price so that more children can get easier partipation.
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I think parents should help (foster, encourage, promote) their .....spontaneously decide (make up one's mind) how .... activities are suitable to (suitable for) them. ...Sadly, children cannot be aware of the negative (adverse) effects from the activity they choose. For instant (instance), lots of kids enjoy (be keen on, be fond of)  playing computer games without noticing that computer-game additon might lead to laziness and procrastination in their suty (study). .... prove that children have great ability (abilities) of learning and absorbing (better: acquiring) knowledge while playing. Thirdly, educational relaxation programmes enable parents to supervise their kids' spare time and to protect their children's lives from bad effects caused by unhealthy leisure activities. ( nếu như cậu ko viết ý support cho ý này thì tốt nhất là k nên viết ý này ra, sẽ mất điểm hơn là gain điểm) 

 Many programmes are of low quality with unthotough (spelling) organization. Therefore, in order to maximize the effectiveness of educational relaxation activities, parents should spend time and efforts in searching (spend time on v-ing) for appropriate offers and programmes. 

On the whole, I believe eduactional entertainment activities play an important (key/critical) role in the personality developing process (mình ko hiểu ý cậu) of every child. 

Mình xin được chấm điểm bài của cậu như sau: 

- Task and response: 6. 

- Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5 

- Lexical Resources:  6

- Grammatically Range and Accuracy: 6.5 

=> 6 => 6.5 tùy vào ý kiến mỗi người

 

 

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Nhận xét tổng quan: 

- Bài làm của cậu ko cân xứng. Mình nghĩ cậu nên bố trị lại đoạn 2 để bài làm nhìn đẹp mắt hơn.

- Bài làm của cậu ko có điểm sáng về tư duy, nghĩa là cậu chỉ viết lại những gì người khác nói nên bài viết dù ko có điểm nào quá bad nhưng vẫn ko thể vượt trội lên được.

- Thỉnh thoảng, cậu còn sai về spelling, hi vọng cậu double-check lại bài viết sau khi hoàn thành.

- Mình thấy những bài điểm cao thường tránh dùng linking words như secondly, thirdly :D Cậu có thể thay bằng moreover, furthermore. 

- Ngoài ra, cậu có thể nâng cấp bài của mình lên 1 higher brand bằng việc nâng từ vựng lên. :D 

Trên đây là toàn bộ ý kiến cá nhân của mình. Mình còn yếu kém. Mong nhận đc nhận xét của cậu và mọi người. Chúc cậu học tốt. ^O^

 
cam on gop y' cua ban nha. Hoi do post bai len ma hoai ko thay ai feedback nen mot thoi gian dai minh ko len scholarship planet nua nen hom qua moi thay reply cua ban. Dung la bai nay minh viet hoi don gian, lai bo cuc ko hop li. anw, hoi truoc luc tim hieu ve linking words cho IELTS essay, minh co nho' o tren trang Simon IELTS hay IELTS Liz co' 1 bai sample band 8, va ng viet bai noi rat ro la dung bo cuc voi because of many reasons...sau do list ra cac luan diem voi firstly, secondly, thirdly nhu vay thi se diem cao hon la dung moreover va besides hay furthermore (doi voi ng viet minh thi 3 tu nay deu cung 1 nghia nhung voi native speakers ho se ko thich), nen minh quyet dinh hoc theo cach viet nhu vay.
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However, the market providing academic recreation to kids is a bit saturated with numerous options and places. Mình thấy từ " a bit'' không academic, không nên cho vào bài viết. 
Về bố cục, nếu bạn đã strongly agree ngay từ đầu thì chỉ nên tập trung từ đầu đến cuối bài viết support cho cái bạn hoàn toàn đồng ý đấy thôi, k nên đưa những draw-back của nó ra nữa.
Đây là ý kiến của mình, mong đc góp ý :)

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