Nhờ mọi người đánh giá sữa chữa giúp mình với.Thanks [closed]

Question

           Young people should spend more  time on cultural activities such as music and theatre and less time on sport. How far do you agree with this statement ?

       Give reasons for your answer and include any revelant examples from own knowledge or experience.

Write  at least 175 words.

Some people think young people should take part in more cultural activities but young people think sport is better and more enjoyable . I personally think both cultural activities and sport are important to young people . When they play sport which means they exercise .So their health mprove significantly . And when they are healthy they will work and study with high productivity. Moreover, the cost of playing sport is cheap. For example, the price of sport equipment such as  balls,pairs of shoes,etc is cheaper than musical instrument such as guitar,violon,piano,etc. As regards cultural activities,it’s also helpful .It’s especially good for health of mind and spirit. Music and theater make them to get creative. Besides, the team work skill will increasingly go up when they sing the songs or play musical intrument in the band together. The cost of cultural activities can be more expensive than sport. On the contrary, It brings a lot of benefits without sport having. In the unfortunate case, sport easily causes many dangerous injured. It will be not good for young people if they totally focus on only a thing.Due to the high pressure to become a star. Furthermore, they won’t grow comprehensively about physical and spirit.

I believe that it is more interesting  with people who play a variety of things . As a result, a balance of cultural activities and sport is the best.

Answer 1

Some people think young people should take part in more cultural activities, but young people themselves think sports areis better and more enjoyable . I personally think both cultural activities and sports are important to young people . When they play a sport, which it also means they exercise, . sSo their health improves significantlyy . And when they are healthy they will work and study with higher productivity. Moreover, the cost of playing a sport is cheap. For example, the price of sports equipment such as  balls, pairs of shoes, etc., is cheaper than musical instruments such as a guitar, violion, piano, etc. RAs regardsing cultural activities, they areit’s also beneficialhelpful . They areIt’s especially good for the health of both mind and spirit. Music and theater make them toassist students in getting creative. Besides,Also, the team work skills will increasingly go up e when they sing the songs or play musical intrumentinstruments in the band together. The cost of cultural activities can be more expensive than sports; however, they can. On the contrary, It brings a lot of benefits without sportthat sports do not  haveing. In the unfortunatesome unfortunate cases, sports can easily causes many dangerous injuriesed. It will be not be good for young people if they totally focus on only onea thing, .dDue to the high pressure to become a star. Furthermore, they won’t grow comprehensively, both about physically and in spirit.

I believe that it is more interesting with people who play a variety of things .more beneficial for people to engage in a variety of activities. As a result, a balance of cultural activities and sport is the best.

 

Comments

Góp ý:

-          Bài viết còn mắc phải lỗi từ vựng, lỗi chính tả và lỗi diễn đạt.  Trong đó, câu văn viết không đúng văn phong của văn viết, còn mang hơi hướng của văn nói. E.g: Câu It is more interesting with people who play a variety of things. Câu này sai ngữ pháp vì không có cụm interesting with someone. Thay vào đó, nên chữa lại It is more beneficial for people to engage in a variety of acitivities.

-          Ngoài ra, cần phải lưu ý việc dùng 1 số cụm: As regards to = Regarding ( Không có As regards something).

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em cảm ơn chị nhiều ạ .Tại trình e gà lắm,mới chân nước chân ráo thôi ạ.

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nếu theo torng bài sửa đã có sử dụng beneficial có phải nếu mình không nên dùng nữa không?

 

thay vì It is more beneficial for people to engage ... đổi lại là It provides more benefit to ... được không chị ?

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mình thấy bài này sử dụng nhiều câu đơn, theo cô mình bảo không được đánh giá cao.

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Cảm ơn vì đã góp ý :)