It is argued that nowadays a large number of people who using mobile phones and computer are uses mobile phones and computers is losing face to face communication skills. While I accept that opinion, I believe that the former could be beneficial to some extent. -> should be clear and direct;
e.g. It is undeniable the extensive advantages that the mobile phone and computer bring to the life, I concretely believe that the traditional oral communication still plays a fundamental role in modern society.
On the one hand, some people believe that nothing can replace face to face communication because in reality it makes you more dynamic and more confident and also help you to practice your behavior and your ability to express -> good idea, but I think the way you express has to be improved;
e.g. Advocates of the traditional interaction claim that there is no substitute/alternative for face to face communication. The reason is via face to face interaction, you could articulately demonstrate your confidence, your personality, and your behavior to people (1)
It presents a sense of community comes with the ability to interact and socialize. This sets the foundation for trust, and ultimately creates a better working relationship. -> quite difficult to understand, should rewrite and take these ideas back to (1), and then example afterwards.
For example, whether you going to marry a girl or not, you have to meet her first. In other words, face to face communication took a very special place in our life -> interesting example, but you need to go a little bit detailed;
e.g. For instance, in several special circumstance such as making a proposal, the face to face interaction is the best selection for demonstrating your love and convincing your beloved
On the other hand, nowadays technology is very major on works and many others. Technology helps us to communicate no matter where we are, it has a major part not only in our work but also in our life. -> your idea need to be clearly and accurately expressed in terms of meaning and grammar.
e.g. As the rapid development of advanced technology in mobile phone and computer, people no longer concern about the restrictions of communication because of the long distance issue.
For example, you can talk communicate to your family regardless of time or distance via mobile phone or Skype. You likewise can finish your homework and send it to your teacher without directly having a meeting with your lecture by several clicks on the Internet. As a consequence, sophisticated technology increasingly supports to the communication in our life and make it more comfortable.
In conclusion, social face to face communication is very significantly crucial in reality life, and despite of a tremendous quantity of advantages resulted from technology, it cannot be replaced by technology completely replaced by the technological forms of communication. However, technology communication also has a large number of benefits.
COMMENTS
You really have some interesting ideas, in general. And, the linking between your ideas is existed, although sometimes it does not clear enough.
Try to use more forms of sentences and grammars AND MUST BE ACCURATELY.
Try to develop your vocabulary
Some collocations : TO GET MARRIED TO SB : cưới ai đó
MAKING A PROPOSAL: cầu hôn ai đó
Task achievement: 6.5
Coherence and cohesion-6.0
Lexical resource- 6.0
Grammatical range and accuracy- 5.5-6.0
GOOK LUCK.