Mọi người cho mình comment bài IELTS Task 2 (Test 2 - Cambridge 5) với nhé

Question

TOPIC: In some countríes young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

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Bai viet:

It is sometimes argued that students after finishing school spend a year on working or travelling before entering university. There are both benefits and drawbacks of this idea to some extent.

One the one hand, there are two main advantages for students of having a year off before starting university. The first benefit is that they can earn money as much as possible, which they are able to afford to their own study at college. For example, working as a shop-assistant give them at least three milion dong per month, so that they can save this money which needs to be used in years later at university. Futhermore, travelling can bring some valuable experiences for students. In fact, having a trip to a foreign countries surely allow youngsters to broaden their life experiences that they never learn from books at high school.

On the other hand, taking a year off between high school and university can also bring disadvantages to some extent. Firstly, they may lose some job opportunities that requires the youngest candidates strictly. For instance, P&G company only offers Management Trainee program for graduate students aged 21 or 22. As a result, students who graduates later one year can easily lose this great opportunity. Secondly, students have some bored feelings with studying at university because of having a year totally free from learning before. Having said that, youngsters are more likely to be absorbed in new things in society like working to earn money or entertaining themselves instead of going to school to study some theoretical lessons. 

In conclusion, there are convincing arguments both for and against for students take a year off to work and travel before starting university. 

Answer 1

Chào bạn,

Nói chung nội dung bài có nhiều ý tưởng hay, cấu trúc rõ ràng, tuy vậy có chỗ diễn đạt chưa được rõ ý lắm. Phần mở bài nên rephrase lại câu hỏi thay vì viết lại. Bài nên sử dụng active voice để bài có tính thuyết phục hơn. Kết bài cần nhiều hơn 1 câu (1 câu nó hơi bị cụt). Bài của bạn mình sửa dưới đây nhé. 

Chúc bạn may mắn.

 

There are debates as to whether high school graduates should take a gap year prior to entering higher education. In this essay, I attempt to discuss both the benefits and drawbacks of this idea.

On the one hand, students who take a year off will be in a better position to support themselves financially during their study while gaining life-enriching experience. The first benefit is that they can earn money as much as possible, which they are able to afford to their own study at college. By working as a sales assistant, for example, students not only earn at least three milion dong per month but also enhance their communication skills, so that they can save this money which needs to be used in years later at university. Futhermore, Alternatively, students could choose to travel. travelling can bring some valuable experiences for students. In fact, Visiting a foreign country surely  allows youngsters broadens their life experience and gives them knowledge that they do not get learn from books at high school.

On the other hand, taking a year off between high school and university might lead to unprecedented consequences. Students may lose future job opportunities with strict age requirement. For instance, P&G company only offers Management Trainee program for graduate students aged 21 or 22. As a result, students who graduates one year later risk forfeit this great opportunity. Additionally, students could find it difficult to focus on studying after leaving school for a year. Having said that (inappropriate use of colloquial phrase), They are more likely to succumb to social pressure and seek to earn more money instead of attending lectures, for example.  absorbed in new things in society like working to earn money or entertaining themselves instead of going to school to study some theoretical lessons. 

In conclusion, there are convincing arguments both for and against for students take a year off to work and travel before starting university (conclusion should summarise the overall argument of the essay instead of stating the obvious)

Comments

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