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Đề bài:

A number of tertiary courses require students to undertake a period of unpaid work at an institution or organization as part of their program.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of this type of course requirement?

 

Some programs in universities often require students to work at an organization without being paid. This kind of education has both advantages and disadvantages.

On the one hand, working during school time is beneficial in various ways. Firstly, working at an organization not only provides students with a great deal of work experience but also helps them improve their communication skills. Secondly, students will have an outlook over the real world when they go to work during academic years, and this helps students become familiar with society after they graduate. Finally, education will be more effective when people have opportunities to apply knowledge to reality. For example, economic concepts are extremely abstract. Therefore, if students are allowed to see how these economic ideas are used in practices, it will be easier for them to imagine and deeply perceive these concepts.

On the other hand, going to work during academic years also has some detrimental effects. One main drawback is that these types of work offer no wages. Students will therefore become frustrated easily and in turn they may drop out of their universities. Also, when students spend time working, they will resort to another amount of time, which otherwise is their leisure, to complete the assignments required. This lifestyle may result in health deterioration in the long-run since students excessively work and study. Another negative impact of this educating method is that students may be exploited by managers of the organizations at which they work.

In conclusion, while working during academic time provides students with skills and experience, it also brings about several drawbacks which should be taken into account.

 

 

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bài viết của bạn rất hay, tiếp tục phát huy nhé
 

Some programs in universities often require students to work at an organization without being paid. This kind of education has both advantages and disadvantages.

On the one hand, working during school time is beneficial in various ways. Firstly, working at an organization not only provides students with a great deal of work experience but also helps them improve their communication skills. Secondly, students will have an outlook over the real world when they go to work during academic years, and this helps students become familiar with society after they graduate. Finally, education will be more effective when people have opportunities to apply knowledge to reality. For example, economic concepts are extremely abstract. Therefore, if students are allowed to see how these economic ideas are used in practices, it will be easier for them to imagine and deeply perceive these concepts.

On the other hand, going to work during academic years also has some detrimental effects. One main drawback is that these types of work offer no wages. Students will therefore become frustrated easily and in turn they may drop out of their universities. Also, when students spend time working, they will resort to another amount of time, which otherwise is their leisure, to complete the assignments required. This lifestyle may result in health deterioration in the long-run since students excessively work and study. Another negative impact of this educating method is that students may be exploited by managers of the organizations at which they work.

In conclusion, while working during academic time provides students with skills and experience, it also brings about several drawbacks which should be taken into account.

 

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mình cảm ơn bạn
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Pros:

On the whole, your essay is readable. The outline is clear; good and just use of connectors and transition words is made.

Moreover, ou are able to use a wide range of vocabulary as well as apt grammatical structrures.

Cons: 

However, there are a few errors, pertaining to both grammar and vocabulary. In addition to pointing them out, I want to put forward some personal suggestions/ alternatives to one or two parts :D

First, you should be careful when you replace the words "course requirement", which you changed into "education".

This kind of education has both advantages and disadvantages

I think we should stick to "(course) requirements" so as not to cause any confusion for the readers.

[..]..students will have an outlook over the real world..[..]

You should use the phrase an outlook of or a glimpse into instead of an outlook over

[..] this helps students become familiar with society [..]

The meaning is rather vague so I suggest  This could help familiarize the students with how the society works

[..] apply knowledge to reality.

The above collocation is quite rarely heard by me :D you should use apply/put their knowledge (in)to reality/ practice

[..] how these economic ideas are used in practices, it will be easier for them to imagine and deeply perceive these concepts.

You should say in practice although in practices is acceptable. Secondly, deeply does not go with perceive. You should say clearly perceive, or deeply absorb/ assimilate.

[..] in turn they may drop out of their universities

There should not be a subject here, so you have to leave out they

[..] they will resort to another amount of time, which otherwise is their leisure [..]

Putting a comma in front of which is likely to jeopardize the meaning of the whole sentence. To clarify it, you should say 

They will have to make use of/ encroach on their own leisure time

or They will resort ot making use of some other time which is normally their leisure time

 [..] in the long-run since students excessively work and study [..]

It should be "in the long run" since I have never come across the hyphenated version of this phrase :D. You should make it if students (overly) work and study excessively.

---

The lasting impression you make on me is still your good grasp of vocabulary and grammar as well as your writing skills.

I know I maybe a little too nitpick.

And since I don't know much about the IELTS writing, i.e how this section is scored, I can't tell if such slight improvements positively affect your grade or not. Nonetheless, I hope these corrections would better your work.

Good luck.

 

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yup, you are right. If our essays are extremely easy to understand, and we make almost no error, then we will be very likely to get high score, may be band 8 or above. Therefore, thank you so much for helping me make my essay easier to understand :D
You're welcome ;)
i also have one problem-solution essay, if you have free time, could you help me correct it? thank you in advance.
http://scholarshipplanet.info/check/2380/task-2-1-chu-de-pho-bien-cho-dang-problem-solution

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