Topic: Some people think that job satisfaction is more important while other people think that a stable job is more important. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

Question

Many individuals believe that job satisfaction is more detrimental while others would argue that an unchangeable job is the most priority. Both these views will be thoroughly discussed. From my point of view, it is highly considered that workers should have a permanent profession.
To begin with, there are various reasons why job sastifaction is considered to be crucial. First, it is clearly seen that when employees have a sense of sastifaction in works, they might co-operate with others effectively, which allows them to have a high level of performance. This might help company achieve goals. When they are not pleased with their job, they could suffer from mental problems due to being unhappy as well as stressed, which can force them to drop out position. Moreover, job satisfaction is a key to attract more talented employees who play a part to develop a company. If people work in an unsatisfied working environment, they could easily change their profession soon.
However, having a stable job brings many benefits for people, especially the young who intend to apply a job. Needless to say, the job market is fairly competitive, thus getting a job is difficult. If the young change their current job without consideration, it would seem that causing a waste of human resources. Additionally, when individuals have a permanent position, which could reduce the rate of unemployment in society. Furthermore, employees could seem to be loyal to company. This gradually would contribute a higher in both promotion and salary for them. If workers change their position, they should spend a lot of time getting along with collegues. Therefore, it would likely be a waste of time.
To sum up, it seems to me that a remained job is more beneficial and peole should pursue this aim because of its undeniable advantages.

Answer 1

more detrimental?  detrimental = harmful mà nhỉ?

works --> trong trường hợp này work là danh từ không đếm được nên ko có "s"

a key to attract --> the key to attracting 

đoạn 1 mình thấy có vẻ thiếu sự đa dạng trong cấu trúc ngữ pháp như when... which... và kiểu A --> B , not A --> not B.

apply a job --> apply for a job

http://scholarshipplanet.info/check/1996/topic-people-satisfaction-important-other-people-stable-important-discuss-opinion

If the young change their current jobs without consideration, it would seem to cause a waste of human resources

 when individuals have a permanent position, which they could reduce the rate of unemployment in society.

This gradually would contribute a higher in both promotion and salary for them --> this would gradually lead to getting promoted and higher salary as well.

 it would likely be a waste of time --> it would probably be / it will be likely to be 

pursue this aim --> pursue this goal