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Topic IELTS của tuần này 13/12/2014:

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people's health.

Do you agree or disagree?

-------------------------------------------------

Hướng dẫn sử dụng trong top Chữa đề IELTS hàng tuần:

Step 1: Click  ở cuối mỗi bài viết được post lên trong top để nhận xét bài viết của các mem khác (ưu tiên những bài chưa có góp ý nào nhé ^^ )

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Hạn chót nộp bài là 12h trưa sáng thứ 7 tuần này :)
 
Tuần mới vui vẻ nhé :3

 

Rating: 8.13
đã hỏi trong Chữa Đề IELTS Hàng Tuần bởi (12 điểm)
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12 góp ý

+4 phiếu
I agree with an idea that the selling unhealthy foods or drinks should be banned. However it seem to be impossible. As will be now discussed.

 

In the one hand, there are several reasons why the selling unhealthy foods and drinks should be banned. Firstly, imposing a ban on selling unhealthy foods and drinks may prevent people from accessing these unhealthy lifestyles. The number of obese people due to excessive consumption of fast food will be reduced. As a result the presure of treatment of obese people on medical system of the country will be relieved. Secondly, a ban on selling unhealthy foods or drinks contribute to prevent anti-social behavior. People may not be influenced by alcohol; Therefore, they will avoid losing control over their behavior in real life.

In the other hand, a restriction on the sales of unhealthy foods, drinks would restrict the options available of customers. There are those who can not over come their gaving for wine and fast food. They may seek any means available to buy these commodities. This put the sales of unhealthy foods and beverages into black market, increasing the rate of associated crime, as seen in the illigal sale of heroin.

In my opinion, there are some better solutions can be used in stead of imposing a ban on selling unhealthy items at shops. Primarily, The government should find other way to improve public health. For example, many health advice programs should be continued in order to raise public awareness about this issue. Futher more, a higher tax rate should be applied to the trade of unhealthy items that a proven bad to people’s health.

 

In conclusion, it seem to me that a ban for selling unhealthy items is a possible solution. However, it would be better if the government release some policies to control selling unhealthy items in the markets.
Rating: 6.36
đã góp ý bởi (11 điểm)
At first sight, I strongly believe that you put time limit on this essay. Good!!! However, I have to admit that I got confused, really, with the meaning of some sentences. You should spend INVESTMENT on range of vocabs and grammars rather than the length of your work (309 words). Here is your seriously primary errors:
As will be now discussed  --> AS (prep,adv,conj)
the selling unhealthy --> selling unhealthy
selling unhealthy foods and drinks --> serving customers with foods and drinks from uncertain sources
As a result --> As a result,…….(careful with comma)
Contribute --> contributes
foods, drinks --> foods and drinks
restrict --> limit, manage
may seek any means available --> may seek some means available
health advice programs --> consulting programs concerning food safe and hygiene
continued --> on air, broadcasted
applied to --> put on, imposed on
that a proven bad to people’s health. --> fragment error
release --> released (IF clause II)
Repetition: a ban on selling unhealthy foods or drinks, the selling unhealthy foods and drinks, obese people, restrict, unhealthy items
Follow my direction above, keep the original point of view, and make some changes in your essay.
Cám ơn bạn rất nhiều mình sẽ khắc phục những lỗi mà bạn đã gợi ý
contribute to + v-ing ( contribute to preventing )
put -> puts  ( subject agreement ) ....
in stead  of -> instead of ^^^
good essay but some mistakes needed to fix
+3 phiếu

An often debated topic is whether the sales of unhealthy food should be banned at shops and stores. Personally, I disagree with the idea that junk food were necessary for forbiddance, because I believe that there are still some benefits of them. 

On the one hand, I agree that unhealthy diet can cause various health problems. For example, if people ate too much food which had poor quality, they would easily lead to the increase of obesity, diabetes and heart disease. Although these foods often contain too much fat, salt and sugar, however consumers are still addicted  because with the attractive color and savour. As a result, populations in developed countries are increasingly overweight. And an another consequence is that governments must pay a lot of money for hospital and medical facilities to treat for those patient. 

 

On the other hand, I suppose that unhealthy junk food are also important in some ways. First of all, many people nowadays rely significantly on fast food and pre-prepared meals. They are cheap to buy and very easy to prepare; so with some people who have a busy life, these foods are clearly convenient for them. Secondly, many companies have been founded by the growth of fast-food for many years. Mc Donald and KFC, for example, these companies contribute a significant part for the economy of America. If governments did not allow them to sell any fast-food, it would lead to some serious drawbacks, such as the negative impact on national GDP or the rise of the unemployment rate.

 

In conclusion, while unhealthy food affect people's health, I believe that they should not to be banned at store. 

 
Rating: 7.41
đã góp ý bởi (32 điểm)
An often debated topic is whether the sales of unhealthy food should be banned at shops and stores --> An often debated topic whether.....stores has been pervasively raising the public concern in recent years. ( whether is a conjunction, not a noun )
junk food were necessary -->  junk food was necessary
forbiddance --> prohibition
, if people ate too much food which had poor quality, they would --> they ?????
Although these foods often contain too much fat, salt and sugar, however consumers are still --> no “however”
because with --> because of
a lot of money --> massive amount of expenditure
cheap -->  affordable, ideally low-priced/bargain-priced
buy --> purchase
very easy to prepare --> fairly time-saving
by the growth of fast-food for many years --> ?????
Mc Donald and KFC, for example, these companies contribute …… --> Many famous food companies, for example Mc Donald and KFC, contribute……
Contribute for --> contribute to
If governments did not allow them to sell any fast-food, it would --> it ???????
;so with some people who have a busy life, these foods are clearly convenient for them --> , hence these foods are clearly convenient for people with a busy life  
Avoid “Oppa Vietnamese Style!!!!”in writing, especially in formal essay.
I just want to comment that your point about contribution of fastfood companies to GDP or the economy is not really persuasive. All of us knows how enormous the USA economy is, so I think many people agree that some companies or even the fastfood store chains are attributable to a very small part of the national income.
Hi there,
I got your point; however, it is suggested that your examiner would pay more intention on how you write ( 4 components of marking criteria ) than the essay's information accuracy ! so I do not think the idea is an issue. Even examples given can be fictitious in the case you cannot think of any ones, of course , real life examples always are more favorable !
+1 phiếu

Nourishment has long been a noteworthy discussion of humans. In order to better the quality of mankind, there is a conception stating that every shop legitimate a ban on foods and drinks impinging on people's health. Personally, I hold a strong  believe against this typical idea.

 

On the one hand, these kind  of foodstuffs contribute greatly to the economic systems. As it can easily be seen, people are easily addicted to scientifically detrimental foods and drinks due to their undeniably delicious flavour. By  manufacturing those, the world's economy will regularly enjoy a skyrocketing growth. For instance, despite a globally harmful demonstration , alcoholic beverage's namely wines and beers still chains still remain strong thanks to their sophisticated tastes. Furthermore, nobody can deny the widespread influence of big-name companies such as Coca-Cola, KFC and Remy Martin. Without them, we would witness the greatest declination in the world's economy.

 

On the other hand, not only are against-human's-heal nourishments beneficial, they also make work more productive. Specifically, human's brain systems functions faster if there is an amount of alcoholic drinks absorbed. And also, in the richest countries such as Australia and United States, people might highly prefer convenience foods instead to long-prepared ones, allowing them to have more valuable time.

 

Somebody may argue that scientifically harmful foods and drinks cause a gradual outcome on the healthy status of everybody. However, we might neglect an increasing trend in scientifc developments as well as men's perception. Due to these progresses, no longer will people fear for unexpected illness caused by inimically addictive foods. Clearly, they still can enjoy these optimum nutriments without not being prepared for surprisingly negative repurcussion.

 

In summary, although food or drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people's health exist some drawbacks, their positives noticeably are of more advantagous. With two of the main factors, addiction-causing taste as well as efficiency-creating effects, it is hard to imagine the world without those nutritions.

Rating: 7.97
đã góp ý bởi (11 điểm)
0 phiếu
There is a reality that unhealthy food and drink are available in many stores. In my opinion, I only partly agree about a ban to eliminate these product s.

The most important reason to favor a strict ban on these negative products is an improved health of society. Undoubtedly, reduced consumption of these goods would lead to a healthier life for consumer. For example, lower used amount of alcohol drink could pull down traffic accidental rate and number of patients have liver problem. Another example is fast food which associates with number of overweight children. Who potentially could got dangerous diseases like diabetes.

There are many benefits from a healthier life. A strong person could have a happier life. They could spend more time for career and family rather than staying in hospital. They would avoid to be tortured by diseases and pain from medical treatment.  Additionally, a period staying in hospital might cost a lot of money and patient have to abandon their work. While in many country, poor people cannot afford for huge health care expenditure and medical infrastructure is overused to create a lot uncomfortable experience for visitor of hospital.

Another reason for a ban is that many people cannot suppress their desire for the products. Children who have little awareness of potential harm of those food and they are concentration of many advertisement of fast food. Many adult cannot give up their habit of using wine. Because they are addictive to alcoholic drink and it is needed for a gathering with their customers or friends. Therefore a ban is necessary to isolate the unhealthy products from users.

However, a ban might be difficult to perform. Firstly production of the foods and drinks provide a lot of job for society. This is also a tax resource for government. In another hand, wine is a traditional drink of some country. In circumstance of fast food which is a cheap and quick meal for busy family, hence there should be another food to replace fast food before completely banning them. In addition,  using a suitable amount of these food and drink may be better for health.

 In conclusion, a ban against these products is difficult to compose. Governments  should focus on education to raise awareness of society about harm of the product and raise tax upon these products to limit use of them.
Rating: 5.05
đã góp ý bởi (11 điểm)
0 phiếu
When the living standard is considerably high and continuously level up, people are more likely to concern about nutrition facts of food they are consuming. Therefore, a number of people is arguing that unhealthy food and beverage, fast food or sugar drink for instance, should not be displayed and sold to publicity.

First, the number of people who must suffer pain caused by having too much junk food and CO2 drink will be decrease. Obesity, high-blood pressure and many other fatal diseases are proven to have strong influence by those unhealthy food and beverage. This ban policy will drive the civilization to look for organic food and other ways of cooking which are much better for their health.

Second, there are a lot of number who are not actually knowing what type of food and drink which are good for them. As from a survey conducted in 2010, more than 60% of people living in America do not know how to read nutrition facts. Children will not have a chance to beg their parents to buy colorful sweet candy.

However, it is still very difficult to remove unhealthy food and beverage from the aisles. Choosing what to eat is somewhat human right. Besides, an enormous amount of tax from this industry might be lost. And lastly, unhealthy food and drink are not affordable as junk food, especially for people with low income.

In conclusion, government should have more policies and strategies in raising awareness of people about food safety. I do hope that with those actions, unhealthy food will be ignored by majority of customers and will not exist in the near future.
Rating: 1.30
đã góp ý bởi (7 điểm)
Hi Kenzhin , here are some suggestions that I think you might want to get them right. Hope this helps.
Introduction:
Level up=> leveled up / leveraged up
They are consuming=> they consume
A number of people => a number of people are- a number of is used with plural nous, however, “ the number of people is “
Beverage=> beverages
Fast food=> fast foods
Sugar drink for instance=> sugary drinks , for instance,
publicity => the publicity
1ST PARAGRAPH:
Junk foods=> junk foods
CO2 drink ????
Will be decrease=> will be decreased
Influence => influences
2nd PARAGRAPH :
There are a lot of number who are not actually… them=> many people do not actually know types of food and drinks that are beneficial.
3rd PARAGRAPHY :
Human right=> a human right
And lastly, …. Low income=> not really sure what you are trying to say here. Those junk foods are unhealthy food, aren’t they?
Conclusion :
Government=> the government
0 phiếu

Hi everyone, this is my response for this week topic, please do feel free to provide your thoughts below, every suggestion is valuable for learning improments! THANK YOU 

Food and beverages are seen as the most important commodities in a daily life. An often debated topic is whether unhealthy products of those basic needs should be prohibited in market. Even though, there have been scientific evidences proving those products have harmful impacts, however, it is disagreed that such an idea should be legalized for some reasons.

First and foremost, prohibiting those crucial products may result in certain economic risks if the black market takes advantages of this opportunity. Wines and spirits, for example, due to its significant prevalent, can be sold at pitched prices and generate an enormous amount of revenue for the underground traders. As such problem if happened could possibly influence the economy and indirectly lead to other crime acts. Thus, this makes it clear that the idea should not be allowed to avoid a foreseen issue.

Secondly, making the laws against consuming those food and drinks that are potentially harmful to health would limits the options available for consumers. For instance, people with a busy-lifestyle may find fastfoods as an alternative way to avoid cooking. If today’s those restaurants are banned, it is difficult that people have to cook daily or be dependent on supermarket canned foods. Hence, this makes it clear that prohibiting the shops selling unhealthy food is not going to be a preferable suggestion.

In summary, prohibiting harmful food and beverages may lead to negative economic consequences and limit the consumer’s choices. Thus, this makes it clear that idea should not be welcomed. It is suggested that people who decide to consume those products should be aware of their effects and be advised for the recommend intakes in order to minimize health risks.

281 words 

Rating: 0.95
đã góp ý bởi (14 điểm)
0 phiếu

Hello again, this is another essay of mine taking a side of supporting (agree) in relation to the topic. All suggestions are welcomed ! THANK YOU

Food and beverages are the most common and basic needs for people. Recent scientific researchers have shown the negative side effects of unhealthy food and drinks which constantly raise the alarm of consumer’s health. It is agreed that those harmful products should be prohibited in order to improve people’s health and current social lifestyle. This essay will analyze the impacts of those fast foods with high cholesterol have on human’s health as well as an increase of violent and crime acts due to alcoholic engagements.

It is undeniable that fast foods have contributed to the increase of the world’s obesity. For example, a recent scientific survey, taken place in China, has reported a gruesome statistic of 60% of population is overweight, and 30% of them are obese.  Many people, who consume highly fat contained products, may consequently put their health at risks for such a disease as heart attacks. Thus, this makes it clear that such unhealthy social trend of eating junk foods should be eliminated.

Apparently, wines and spirits, proven to be doing more harms than goods, contribute to a considerable increase in violence and crimes. For example, New South Wales polices annually reported the number of domestic violence caused by alcohol, has been gone up. That explains the negative effects on people’s consciousness and lifestyles which cause several ruinous sides. Hence, it is believed that alcoholic products should not be allowed to sell in the shops.

To conclude, outlawing the market to trade those unhealthy food and beverages raise the obesity rate as well as violence and crimes. Thus, it is strongly agreed that such legitimate action should soon to be enforced.

271 words

Rating: 3.20
đã góp ý bởi (14 điểm)
'beverage' is not the most basic need (it has different sense from water)
Recently researchers ... (researcher covers the sense of science)
The side effect (consist of negative meaning)
food and drinks (you might use 'diet')
Thesis statements seem unrelated to the topic

My personal suggests. If I am wrong, you have the right to fight back.
Thanks
0 phiếu
Selling food or drinks that are announced to be harmful for human’s health by experts is being criticised. In my opinion, selling those stuffs must be banned.

It is widely asumed that health is the most important property of human and harming food and drinks are considered to be the main cause of a poor health life.Terrible impacts resulting from using those things on health of civils is not only an attack to the economy but also social and politics of a country. In term of economy, that the health of workers is bad is a signal of a weak economy. Workers is the main labour creating furniture for a country so protecting their health is an important insistence. When it comes to social, bad food and drinks causing worry to social, provoke riots, family violence and doubtless it will lead to terrible crisises.

People countinue those industries even when aware of terrible impacts of bad food and drinks because those ones create a great profit. So they won’t hesitate to do anything without regarding to conscience to make more money. And it will kill the civils’s trust on using those things not mention to aggressive reactions.

One of the most difficult problems to solve this issue is that it takes an abundant amount of time for government’s laws to take effect and take more time to apply it to the present situation of that country. So, raising the civil’s awareness turns out to be the most effective and essiest way to solve this problem.

In a summary, preventing malls from selling harming food and drinks never be an eassy war but must be winned. Regardless who you are, solving this issue is a public task.
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (7 điểm)
0 phiếu

In our life, foods and drinks play important roles. Foods and drinks give people the energy, and some necessary nutrition in order to maintain people lives, doing their daily jobs, and so on. Besides the good impacts from food, unhealthy food brings us a lot of problems. There is some opinion that bads foods should prohibit. Personally, I hold a strong belief that the government should evaluate this policy.

On the one hand, insalubrious food includes fast food that contain high amount of salt, fat, and sugar; or unwholesome foods that are produced from dirty places without the quality inspection of the authority, dangerously risk our health. Unhealthy food stuff is the primary causes of obesity, cancer because of they contain a lot of fat or some poisonous. To be more precise, Mc Donald chicken burgers or beef burgers which are a very attractive and full of cheese is the cause of the American obesity.

Furthermore, dissatisfactory comestible is also a burden for the government due to an overload of hospital. Every year, an enormous amount of patient caused by bad foodstuff go to the hospital, especially, in many holidays such as a new year, and thanksgiving. For instant, hospital in Viet Nam can serve for the citizens due to the lack of capability when Tet holiday takes place. Additionally, the patients or victims of bad foodstuff is not productive. They are slower the regular people. In the case they have to lay in the hospital, they cannot work. 

To sum up, Unhealthy food is extremely harmful to the human. It is the principle of obesity death, the reducing of gross domestic production, and the weak of our medical system. “ you only live once”, and your health is the most concerned consideration. Unhealthy food must be banned.

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (9 điểm)
0 phiếu
Below is my answer to the question.

Any comments and recommedations are appreciated . Im trying to improve my writing for the IELTS :D

 

It is controversially argued that selling foods and drinks that cause health problems should be forbidden. I personally believe that there are advantages and disadvantages associated with this idea.

Hindering unhealthy foods and drinks from being sold brings several benefits to society. Firstly, many health problems such as obesity, diabetes and heart attack can be less likely to occur. This is because the amount of sugar and salt in junk foods is so high that it can make consumers obese and suffer from heart-related diseases. Secondly, a healthy lifestyle would be adopted by public if these types of foods and beverages were prohibited. For example, people would spend more money on nutritious foods like fresh meat and green vegetables. Also, these foods can enhance the development of people’s mind and bodies, which is essential for their work and daily activities.

However, there would be a huge loss of jobs if fast food companies were shut down due to banning unhealthy foods and drinks. For instance, well-known companies such as McDonald, KFC and Burger Kings employ thousands of people worldwide. They not only recruit local people for their businesses, but also contribute the establishment and growth of their suppliers. Therefore, preventing these companies from operating would result in an increase in the number of unemployed people, which might have an adverse impact on local economy.

In conclusion, I think that careful considerations should be made before banning policies are executed. Meanwhile, governments should introduce campaigns and practices to encourage their citizens to lead a healthy lifestyle.

(255 words)
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (16 điểm)
0 phiếu

There is a reality that unhealthy food and drink are available in many stores. In my opinion, I only partly agree about a ban to eliminate these product s.

The most important reason to favor a strict ban on these negative products is an improved health of society. Undoubtedly, reduced consumption of these goods would lead to a healthier life for consumer. For example, lower used amount of alcohol drink could pull down traffic accidental rate and number of patients have liver problem. Another example is fast food which associates with number of overweight children. Who potentially could got dangerous diseases like diabetes.

There are many benefits from a healthier life. A strong person could have a happier life. They could spend more time for career and family rather than staying in hospital. They would avoid to be tortured by diseases and pain from medical treatment.  Additionally, a period staying in hospital might cost a lot of money and patient have to abandon their work. While in many country, poor people cannot afford for huge health care expenditure and medical infrastructure is overused to create a lot uncomfortable experience for visitor of hospital.

Another reason for a ban is that many people cannot suppress their desire for the products. Children who have little awareness of potential harm of those food and they are concentration of many advertisement of fast food. Many adult cannot give up their habit of using wine. Because they are addictive to alcoholic drink and it is needed for a gathering with their customers or friends. Therefore a ban is necessary to isolate the unhealthy products from users.

However, a ban might be difficult to perform. Firstly production of the foods and drinks provide a lot of job for society. This is also a tax resource for government. In another hand, wine is a traditional drink of some country. In circumstance of fast food which is a cheap and quick meal for busy family, hence there should be another food to replace fast food before completely banning them. In addition,  using a suitable amount of these food and drink may be better for health.

 In conclusion, a ban against these products is difficult to compose. Governments  should focus on education to raise awareness of society about harm of the product and raise tax upon these products to limit use of them.

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (95 điểm)
0 phiếu

contribute to + v-ing 
put -> puts  
in stead  of -> instead of 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (124 điểm)

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