[Top post bài nhận Point] - ---- Đề thi IELTS Writing task 2 - 15/09/2016 - Research has shown that overeating is as harmful as smoking....
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TOPIC task 2 ngày 15/09/2016 :

Research has shown that overeating is as harmful as smoking. Therefore, the advertising of certain food products should be banned in the same way as the advertising of cigarettes in some countries.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Obesity and overweight status are becoming increasingly in modern life. Some people argue that overeating is as unhealthy as smoking. Hence, the marketing of certain food product on television should be prohibited as the way of advertising of cigarettes in some nations. This essay will discuss why overeating is harmful and I completely disagree to ban advertising of foods.

Excessive eating is harmful to health because body must intake a large amount of foods at the same time. In addition, sedentary lifestyle without a reasonable exercise regimen can cause some health-related issues such as blood pressure and high cholesterol. Furthermore, thanks to modern busy lifestyles, time seems to be an important factor. More and more family households tend to consume fast food to save time rather than cook and prepare healthy meals. This cause a rapid increase of obesity and weigh gain in population.

There are two main reasons why food advertising should not be banned as the advertising of cigarettes. One reason is that eating is a compulsory requirement to maintain life, compared to smoking cigarette is a recreational activity. Therefore, advertisings help variety of food products, hence people have a way to choose appropriate food and bring benefit for health. Furthermore, prohibiting advertising of food products is not fair to manufacturers because nature of the advertising of certain food products are to introduce their products to clients. In fact, it is not harmful to customers unlike nicotine in tobacco.     

In conclusion, it seems to me that overeating without exercising is not good for health, however government should not ban the advertising of foodstuffs.

 

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26 points

2 Comments

Obesity and overweight status are becoming [NN1] increasingly in modern life. Some people argue that overeating is as unhealthy as smoking. Hence[NN2] , the marketing of certain food product on television should be prohibited as the way of advertising of cigarettes in some nations. This essay will discuss why overeating is harmful and [NN3] I completely disagree to ban advertising of foods.

Excessive eating [NN4] is harmful to health because body must [NN5] intake a large amount of foods[NN6]  at the same time. In addition, sedentary lifestyle without a reasonable exercise regimen can cause some health-related issues such as blood pressure [NN7] and high cholesterol[NN8] . Furthermore, thanks to modern busy lifestyles, time seems to be an important factor. More and more family [NN9] households tend to consume fast food to save time rather than cook and prepare healthy meals. [NN10] This cause [NN11] a rapid increase of obesity and weigh gain in population.

There[NN12]  are two main reasons why food advertising should not be banned as the advertising of cigarettes. One reason is that eating is a compulsory requirement to maintain life[NN13] , compared to [NN14] smoking cigarette is a recreational activity. Therefore, advertisings[NN15]  help variety of food products[NN16] , hence people have a way to [NN17] choose appropriate food and bring benefit for health. Furthermore, prohibiting advertising of food products is not fair to manufacturers because nature [NN18] of the advertising of certain food products are [NN19] to introduce their products to clients. [NN20] In fact, it is not harmful to customers unlike nicotine in tobacco.     

In conclusion, it seems to me that overeating without exercising is not good for health, however government should not ban the advertising of foodstuffs.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  265 words


 [NN1]Idea suggestion: have recently been popular

 [NN2]Idea suggestion: smoking; therefore,…..

 [NN3]Idea suggestion: Personally, although overeating is a harmful habit, I completely agree with this opinion for the following reasons

 [NN4]Idea suggestion: excessive eating habit

 [NN5]Avoid using “must” and “always”: has to

 [NN6]Generally, food is uncountable

=> food

 [NN7]Inappropriate vocabulary: high blood pressure

 [NN8]Vocabulary suggestion: the specific name for a disease of high cholesterol in blood is Hypercholesterolemia

 [NN9]Informal: an increasing number of households

 [NN10]Idea suggestion: preparing homemade food

 [NN11]Grammar error: causes

 [NN12]Idea suggestion: however, it seems to me

 [NN13]Inappropriate vocabulary: to survive

 [NN14]Grammar error: compare to + gerund => while          

 [NN15]Grammar error: Advertisement helps

 [NN16]Idea suggestion: advertisement is actually the tool to inform a variety of products to customers

 [NN17]can

 [NN18]Inappropriate vocabulary: the purpose of

 [NN19]Grammar error: nature => is

 [NN20]Inappropriate vocabulary: client is the customer of agency and lawyers => customers

 

 

 

CRITERIA

GRADE

COMMENT

Task Achivement

        6.0

• addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others

• presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive

• presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear

Coherence and Cohension

5.5

• arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression

• may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately

• uses paragraphing, but not always logically

Lexicle Resource

6.0

• uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task

• uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task

• makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

5.5

• uses a variety of complex structures
• may make frequent grammatical errors and spelling may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the reader

Overall

       6.0

Overall, your essay is fine. You should read more task 2 writing instructions, gain more vocabulary related to IELTS topics and consistently practice writing.

 

You have great potential, be more careful next time.

 

 

0 votes
0 votes

It is argued that the advertising of certain food needs to be prohibited like that of cigarettes in several nations because of the drawbacks of overeating. From my perspective, it is partially true that consuming too much harmful food, as smoking, can cause a number of serious chronic diseases, having said that, forbidding the advertising of foodstuff is not an effective way to prevent overeating.

 

First and foremost, overeating, defined as consuming excessive amount of food unnecessarily, has a negative impact on our health in the same way smoking does. These two both damage our body gradually with early signs, for example, reducing the concentration ability, followed by severe health-related problems like cancer and diabetes. In addition, overeating, however, is harmful to not only inner body but also  physical appearance. Taking obesity as an obvious illustration of overeating, research has shown that there is an increasing number of female patients being unconfident when they are getting fatter. Mentally-speaking, this can cause psychological disorders.

 

Secondly, eating, as stated in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, is classified as a physiological need; hence, banning food advertising cannot prevent dwellers from consuming food. Instead, it will be much practical if government takes action by encouraging more exercise in schools and workplaces. For instance, 30-minute yoga classes can be taken place after working hours for sedentary workers. Furthermore, forbidding food marketing makes consumers unambiguous about the products that they purchase, thus leading to misunderstanding. It is vital that local authority should provide enough information in every advertising, from the calories that the food contains to recommended amount of eating.

 

In conclusion, although consuming too much foodstuff is as unhealthy as smoking, banning food advertising is an unnecessary action. As substitutes, more exercise and sufficient information should be added to deal with this phenomenon.

 
by
56 points

1 comment

t is argued that the advertising of certain food needs to be prohibited like that of cigarettes in several nations because of the drawbacks of overeating. From my perspective, it is partially true that consuming too much harmful food, as[WU1]  smoking, can cause a number of serious chronic diseases, having said that, forbidding the advertising of foodstuff is not an effective way to prevent overeating.

First and foremost, overeating, defined as consuming excessive amount of food unnecessarily, has a negative impact on our health in the same way smoking does. These two both damage our body gradually with early signs, for example, reducing the concentration ability, followed by severe health-related problems like cancer and diabetes. In addition, overeating, however, is harmful to not only inner body but also  physical appearance. Taking obesity as an obvious illustration of overeating, research has shown that there is an increasing number of female patients being unconfident when they are getting fatter. Mentally-speaking[WU2] , this can cause psychological disorders.[WU3]

Secondly, eating, as stated in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, is classified as a physiological need; hence, banning food advertising cannot prevent dwellers from consuming food. Instead, it will be much practical if government[WU4]  takes action by encouraging more exercise in schools and workplaces. For instance, 30-minute yoga classes can be taken place after working hours for sedentary workers. Furthermore, forbidding food marketing makes consumers unambiguous about the products that they purchase, thus leading to misunderstanding. It is vital that local authority should provide enough information in every advertising, from the calories that the food contains to recommended amount of eating.

In conclusion, although consuming too much foodstuff is as unhealthy as smoking, banning food advertising is an unnecessary action. As substitutes, more exercise and sufficient information should be added to deal with this phenomenon.


 [WU1]“just like/ the same as smoking”

 [WU2]This word is informal à “From a mental-health perspective”

 [WU3]“this can cause psychological disorders and might result in them having depression, anxiety or suffer social discrimination”

 [WU4]THE government


CRITERIA

GRADE

COMMENT

Task Achievement

             7

• addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be
more fully covered than others
• presents a relevant position although the conclusions may
become unclear or repetitive
• presents relevant main ideas but some may be
inadequately developed/unclear

Coherence and Cohesion

7

• arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a
clear overall progression
• uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within
and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
• may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
• uses paragraphing, but not always logically

Lexical Resource

7

• uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
• attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some
inaccuracy
• makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but
they do not impede communication

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

7

• uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
• makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they
rarely reduce communication

Overall

            7.0

                            

 

 

 

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