Bài IELTS Task 2 8/11/2014 - crime

Question

(8/11/2014)Some people believe that a crime is a result of social problems and poverty, others think that crime is a result of bad person's nature. Discuss and give your opinion.

It is argued that bad person’s nature results in committing crime. While reasons can be given to justify this, I believe that social problems and poverty lead to illegal behaviour.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why bad person’s nature is a cause of illegal activities. Primary, when people were born some people contract diseases such as mental diseases and psychological diseases, making them cannot recorgnize their behaviour. As they cannot distinguigh between what wrong is and what right is, they do anything what they want. As a result, they have anti-social behaviour, committing crime. Another justification is that people are often born with greed and selfishness. People have a trend which takes advantages for themselves although this is a crime.

On the other hand, I would contend that crime is a result of social problems and poverty. Firstly, some people are in low standard of living so that they steal other’s property to provide their life. In Vietnam, for example, there are many robbers who are the poor steal passenger’s pursuit or cellphone on the bus station. Secondly, there are a large number of drug and alcohol addict who cannot control themselves gestures, leading to have illegal behaviour such as murder. For example, people often cause a road accident when they are drunk. Finally, the low knowledge level of population also causes illegal activities. People are not enhanced their knowledge of law, making them commit crime.

In conclusion, it seems to me that social problems and poverty lead to illegal activities despite undeniable advantages of bad person’s nature.

Answer 1

While reasons can be given to justify this, I believe that social problems and poverty lead to illegal behaviour.

Thay cụm illegal behaviour bằng criminal behaviour.

As they cannot distinguigh distinguish between what wrong is and what right is, they do anything what they want.

Firstly, some people are in a low standard of living so that they steal other’s property to provide their life.

 

Answer 2

Mình có một số nhận xét như sau, hy vọng có giá trị cho bạn tham khảo. Mình viết theo thứ tự từ trên xuống dưới nha.

- Nên nói rõ quan điểm của mình, chỉ dùng "I believe that..." mình thấy chưa đủ nhấn mạnh ý bạn muốn support quan điểm đó.

- "On one hand"  chứ không phải "On the one hand".

- Sau "several" không nên dùng "why" mà nên dùng "for".

- "Primarily" nhé, vì đầu câu thường là trạng từ.

- "Mental diseases" với "psychological diseases" là một nên bạn dùng cả hai là thành lặp từ. 

- "Making them cannot recorgnize their behaviour", mình thấy nên thay "cannot" bằng "fail to" sẽ formal hơn.

- Bạn cũng không nên lạm dụng các từ chỉ thứ tự như "primarily", "firstly"..., một từ ở đầu mỗi đoạn để tạo liên kết là đủ.