Good morning mr_z8t, thank you for the contribution to the topic. By looking at your points (21). I can see that you also actively participated in commenting other essays, which is a really good way of improving writing for other members. I hope we can keep this mood of studying for long time *).
For your essay, I would like to comment it as following
- It is true that although having a discontent job can bring us some benefits, at least some money to make ends meet, its costs are much higher. --> this sentence needs restructured.
---> Admittedly, a discontented job can bring us some benefits such as some money for a living. However, its costs are much higher compared to the benefits.
- On one hand, continually doing something we do not like affects our working attitude ---> On one hand, it is likely that the working attitude is negatively affected if we have to do the job that we do not like.
- Taking up a post as a boring officer after graduating, it took him 3 months to decide to quit, and started to learn photography, which he had always been loving since he was a kid.
---> it is a bit not formal if you start the sentence with a V-ing, in academic English, we should avoid using the V-ing to start a sentence. Besides, the sentence "it took......, and started to learn ...." I think you might forget the object for "started to learn photography". I suggest changing as following
- After graduation, he got accepted to become an officer. However, the job was so boring that he decided to quit after three months and started to learn photography; which he had been always dreaming of since he was a kid.
-He spent all his savings buying a DSLR camera, registered photography courses, became a freelancer and spent time travelling, taking pictures of beautiful sceneries. --> There is grammatical mistakes. Grammar: you are using a parallel phrase here: He spent....., registered......, became......., "taking" -->took
- Until now, he got..... --> until now, he has gotten/achieved/ awarded.
In general, your essay has strong points of supporting and also a good example. There is not much to worry about ideas. I think you might need to pay more attention for grammars, just a bit of fixing will make the essay look more decent
Regards,
Andy Duong