Bài IELTS Task 1- overseas vistiors to three different areas in a European country between 1987 and 2007

Question

The line graph directs the proportion of overseas visitors to three areas in a European country over 20 years.
Overall, it can be noted that there were different trends in the three destinations of overseas travelers. The people who went to the coast were the highest figure in three unfamiliar areas. From 1987 to 1992, there was a steady decrease to about 5,000 visitors. It was not valuable because this figure rose dramatically from about 35,0000 to 75,0000 people, and it reached a peak in 2007. On the other hand, the number of visitors to mountains rose gradually to around 10,000 within five years from 1987 to 1992, and then, it leveled off during the period between 1997 and 2002. During the last five years period, this figure increased slightly to about 35,000 visitors. At lakes, the visitor numbers rose sharply from 10,000 to 75,000 between 1987 and 2002. But from 2002 to 2007, there was a significant decrease to about 25,000 visitors.
During the period, we can see clearly the number of visitors to the lakes reached the most distinguished figure in 2002, it was as high as the traveler's proportion to the coast in 2007. It was evident the coast was the most popular destination in a European country from 1987 to 2007.

Answer 1

Mình xin phép góp ý như sau, trình độ mình tạm được, bạn nên tham khảo thêm ở nhiều người tay nghề cao hơn nữa nhé.

Bonus: lần sau bạn nên chèn thêm ảnh biểu đồ và viết lại đầy đủ đề bài để mọi người nhận xét chính xác hơn nha.

 

The line graph (directs)->depicts/describes… the (proportion of overseas visitors)-> overseas visitors’ proportions (to)->of three areas in a European country over the past 20 years.

Overall, it can be (noted)->noticed that there were different trends in the three destinations of overseas travelers. (The people who went to the coast were the highest figure in three unfamiliar areas)->Coastal area was the destination obtaining the highest visitors’ amount. (Note: đã đề cập đối tượng cao nhất thì bạn nên kèm them đối tượng thấp nhất nhé)

From 1987 to 1992, there was a steady decrease to about 5,000 visitors (decrease nhưng ở đối tượng nào?). (It was not valuable)-> hạn chế nêu ý kiến cá nhân trong task 1 nha because this figure rose dramatically from about 35,0000 to 75,0000 people, and it reached a peak in 2007 (nên kèm số liệu của mức peak). (On the other hand)->Meanwhile, the (number of visitors to mountains)-> mountains’ visitors number rose gradually to around 10,000 within five years from 1987 to 1992(, and then)->. Subsequently, it leveled off during the period (between 1997 and 2002)->1997-2002. During the last five years (period)->bỏ period, this figure increased slightly to about 35,000 visitors. (At lakes, the visitor numbers)-> The lakes’ visitors rates rose sharply from 10,000 to 75,000 between 1987 and 2002. (But)->Nevertheless, from 2002 to 2007, there was a significant decrease to about 25,000 visitors.

 

During the period,( we can see clearly)->it was clearly that the number of visitors to the lakes reached the most distinguished figure in 2002, (it)->which was as high as the traveler's proportion to the coast in 2007. (It was evident that the coast was the most popular destination in a European country from 1987 to 2007): câu này nên đặt ở overview

 

https://chuawritingmienphi.com/index.php/12321/ielts-overseas-vistiors-three-different-areas-european-country-between-1987-2007

Suggestion:  -nên tách bài ra thành 4 đoạn theo thứ tự: intro, overview, body1, body2

                     -sử dụng nhiều hơn nữa các linking words

                     -hạn chế lỗi ngữ pháp