Nowadays, the question of whether allowing children to watch TV could help them broaden more knowledge or not has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Both solutions (nêu rõ những solutions là gì như trong topic đề cập) bring both benefits and harmful harm to children.
Children’s decisions rely on their parents and teachers. I think watching TV should be restricted by (by whom?) so that children could focus more on schoolwork and other physical activities that , which could help them improve both knowledge and physical conditions. But in another hand on the other hand, TV also brings some benefits that children can learn from. For that reason, parents should allow children to watch television some certain part of the day.
I believe that if children watch televisions so much, it could lead to a lot of harm in both their health and the results of their study. Firstly, watching TV is time-consuming leading to bad results and problems at school. Children immerse themselves in watching TV and entertainment shows after going home from school often forget their homework. Secondly, watching TV daily leads to a sedentary lifestyle and deleterious health effects. Therefore, children would be bad in schoolwork because their health condition is not good enough.
In another hand, I believe that TV brings some benefits for children as it shows a lot of educational shows. Some children are reluctant to study from their teachers and school while it is easier for them to focus on visual images on TV. For example, children could gain more knowledge about wildlife lifestyles when they watch animal shows.
In conclusion, TV brings some benefits but it is better if children do not spend much time watching some kind of entertainment shows that brings nothing but bad behaviors.
Bạn nên bỏ đoạn 2 đi để tập trung viết về lợi ích và tác hại của xem TV. Đoạn văn số 2 đọc có vẻ rất vô nghĩa và không support được gì cho yêu cầu đề bài.
Ngoài ra bài dùng nhiều cụm lặp đi lặp lại đọc hơi bị không thoải mái, ví dụ: leading to, bạn có thể dùng causing, resulting in .... để bài viết đa dạng về từ vựng hơn.
Ngoài ra như mình đã nói trong góp ý đầu tiên, bạn nên support nhiều hơn cho từng ý mà bạn viết thì bài văn mới có đủ sức thuyết phục. Đoạn viết về benefits bạn support khá, nhưng đoạn về harm mình chỉ thấy bạn liệt kê ra chứ không có gì để làm cho người đọc tin những gì bạn viết cả.
Chúc bạn học tốt và cải thiện được bài viết.