Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museums is to educate. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Question

It is a common belief that the places like museums should be used for the education of young generations. From my perspective, I consider that in addition to educating, museums should be places to release stress and entertain people for several reasons.

On the one hand ,we could not deny the role of museum as entertaining places. Nowadays, museums are believed to be visited by people who need information only. Without entertainment values, museums can not be widely appeal to tourists, which is linnked to the growth of national economic. So, it is important that we must add on the values as attracting places for museums.

On the other hand, museum plays a significant role in providing knowledge about history, art, science and culture to young people. We need to employ guides to explain these knowledge in a more efficient way rather than showing just an exhibition to visitors. By this method, one can get access to information, broaden his horizon while entertaining inside the museum.

In short, I firly believe that not only museums have positive impacts to schooling and educating the young, but the part of museums in attracting people is undeniable.

Answer 1

It is a common belief that the places like museums should be used for the education of young generations. From my perspective, I consider that in addition to educating, museums should be places to release stress and entertain people for several reasons.

On the one hand ,we could not deny the role of museums as entertaining places. Nowadays, museums are believed to be visited by people who need information only. Without entertainment values, museums can not be widely appeal appealing to tourists, which is linnked to the growth of national economics. So Therefore, it is important that we must add on the values as attracting places for museums  to these places in order to attract more visitors/tourists. 

On the other hand, (sử dụng danh từ chung ở dạng plural để không  quên article a/an/the) museums plays a significant role in providing knowledge about of history, art, science and culture to young people. We need to employ guides to explain these knowledge information/historical and cultural evidences in a more efficient way rather than showing just an exhibition to visitors. By this method, one can get access to information, broaden his horizons while entertaining inside the museum.

In short, I firmly believe that (đang sử dụng đảo ngữ, bạn check thêm phần grammar này) not only do museums have positive impacts to on schooling and educating the young, but the part of museums in attracting people is undeniable.

Một vài nhận xét:

1. Bài viết 194 words: không đủ số từ yêu cầu, bạn sẽ bị trừ điểm

2. Phần highlight cam: đề chỉ chung đối tượng là "people" nhưng các phần ý kiến chính của bạn lại chỉ riêng "young generation", bạn nên để đối tượng người trẻ thành ví dụ sẽ hợp lý hơn.

3. Bài viết của bạn có kết cấu câu tốt.