Task 2: In many countries schools have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the causes of this? What solution can you suggest?

Question

Mong các bác sửa giúp em với ạ...cảm ơn các đại ca! day la bài viết đầu tiên của mình.

Question 1: In many countries schools have severe problems  with student behavior. What do you think are the causes of this? What solution can you suggest?

 

                                           Essay

 In the schools, many students tend to have bad behaviors and. I would argue that there are so many bad effects in the school and propose solutions for solving  the issue.

Today , a great number of students having bad behaviors in the school. First of all, the schools lack a clear rule and discipline. Besides, there are so many students in a class. This means that a teacher find it difficult to manage students. As a result, these students did not pace up with other students in the class and don’t want to continue studying anymore. Secondly, some students tend to make friends with offenders who had bad behavior and even committed a crime. This can lead to a bad effect on the student who is still sitting on the chair of school. Furthermore, they can easily commit a crime along with their bad friends.

On the other hand, the schools need to have a clear rule and punishment with their students who break the rules and regulations. Additionally, parents also support the rules of the school in order for their children to become good citizens in the future. For example, if the parents don’t work closely to teacher and school that their children are studying, this can result in their children have bad behaviors.

  In conclusion, I believe that if the school have a close rule and cooperate closely to their parents to find efficient solutions for reducing the number of bad behaviors in the students as well as in the school.

Answer 1

Dear Havantuyen,

Overall, your essay meets the fundemental requirements of the task; I mean, it has three sections, introduction, main bodies, and conclusion. You also answered the task requirements, including the causes and solutions.

However, I think that your essay is so simple in ideas and vocabulary, so I think you should improve them. I also get problem because your Essay Title is not clear. What are "severe problems" and "student behaviour"? You have not support ideas of "many countries". You dont have examples to support for your causes; it needs at least one specific example.

I hope that my opinions will help you some points.

Best regards,

Tam

Comments

em cảm ơn đại ca ạ ...đúng là như đại ca nói...và còn lặp từ hơi nhiều......em rút ra rất nhiều thứ bổ ích ạ,,,cảm ơn đại ca.

Answer 2

Bài của bạn nhìn chung có ý. Nhưng theo mình còn mắc một số lỗi ngữ pháp và cách dùng từ.

 Ví dụ "Today , a great number of students having bad behaviors in the school" chưa phải là 1 câu. Mới bắt đầu bài mà dùng "the schools" là chưa chính xác....

Thân

Comments

cảm ơn bác nhé!

Answer 3

 

A great number of students are having bad behavior in school OR A great number of students having bad behavior in school has alarmed many people (lỗi ngữ pháp)

As a result, these students did not pace up with others in the class and do not desire studying anymore (nên tìm những từ đồng nghĩa để tránh lỗi lặp từ, không nên viết tắt, nên sử dụng những từ formal)

Secondly, it is possible that some students would like to make friends with offenders who had bad behavior and even committed a crime. (lặp từ "tend to" ở phần mở bài)

Additionally, parents should support conduct of behavior in school in order that their children can become good citizens in the future (lặp từ rule ở câu trên, mình sửa một tí về cấu trúc để câu mượt hơn :D)

If the parents do not work closely to teacher and school, their children are more likely to get bad behaviors.

I believe that if the schools cooperate closely to students' parents to look for more efficient solutions, the number of bad behaviors in school can be reduced dramatically. ("look for" nghĩa là chưa tìm thấy, "find" là tìm thấy rồi)

 

 

Comments

cảm ơn đại ca...rất nhiều từ và ngữ páp em học đk từ đại ca.

Answer 4

Hello Havantuyen.

Your essay is quite simple in overall. You got some grammar mistakes that others pointed out, I think you should improve grammar and especially its accurate, also academic vocabulary. Beside, you should learn how to write complex sentence and the combination of different structures in one sentence. Your language usage in this essay is for speaking, you should change to the writing language :D

In term of idea, your ideas are problably good. However, it's better if you have only one topic sentence in each paragraph and develop it to make it more specific. The examples used in your essay is quite general, you should make specific ones and may be popular ones if possible.

Because this is your first essay, I have some tips which may help yours. Firstly, be notice the very small errors like misspelled, accurate grammar. Secondly, make balance to each of your paragraph. Finally, improve your vocabulary as well as structure and learn how to write in writing style.

Good luck in your writing ^^.

Best wishes!