IELTS Task 2 - the obsolescence of radio

Question

Hardly can anyone deny that the development of technology has long occupied a crucial part in general public. Due to the fast development of technology, radio has gradually become obsolescence. In my point of view, I absolutely agree with this statement.

Radio is technologically backward equipment. In such an age of technology, people can access to information through internet instead of radio as before. For instance, for those people who have no time to watch TV, we can search for information via Google including videos and pictures whereas radio just only provides its listeners with sound and one-way information. Regarding to entertainment, we can use laptop or cellphone instead of radio in order to loosen up such as watching video, listening music, etc.

Many people suppose that radio still has several features that other media cannot replace. However the fact that radio is not convenient as we imagine. Firstly, unless we pre-request, we have to listen to the songs arranged already by operator. Secondly, we could not hear some programs from radio devices because there was too easy static if the rain was hard. Lastly, the other disadvantage of the radio is that it is unable to convey messages with sight and motion, as television or internet does.

In conclusion, I pen down saying that radio become underdeveloped with many inconvenience as these days. Therefore, the best solution to enhance the quality of radio that is by means of combining the newer technology with radio.

Answer 1

Hardly can anyone deny that the development of technology has long occupied played a crucial part in general public. Due to the fast /rapid development of technology, radio has gradually become obsolete obsolescence. In my point of view, I absolutely agree with this statement.

Radio is technologically backward outdated equipment. In such an the age of technology, people can access to information through internet with internet connection instead of radio as they used tobefore. For instance, for those people who have no time to watch TV, we  can search for information with the help of via Google including videos and pictures whereas radio just only provides its listeners with sound and one-way information. ( Those people and we is not parallel )

Regarding to entertainment, we can use laptop or cellphone instead of radio in order to loosen up such as watching video, listening music to name but a few, etc. 

Many people suppose that radio still has several features that other media cannot replace. However the fact is that radio is not as convenient as we imagine. Firstly, unless we pre-request, we have to listen to the songs arranged already by operator. Secondly, we could not hear some programs from radio devices because there was too easy static if  (cannot understand what you mean)the rain was hard. Lastly, the other another disadvantage of the radio is that it is unable to convey messages with scences sight and motion, as television or internet does.

In conclusion, I pen down saying that radio become underdeveloped with many inconvenience as these days. Therefore, the best solution to enhance the quality of radio that is is that by means of combining the newer technology with radio.

 

note: I think you should copy and paste your writing essay to translate.google.com , to see how bad you are in organizing ideas and phrases. Grammatical aspect is another factor that make my eyes closed after reviewing yours. 

However, you produce a range of vocabulary but in fact it is inappropriate in some contexts.

Comments

Thanks so much for your comment

Answer 2

Bài bạn bố cục rất tốt. Vocab cũng dùng hợp lí. Theo mình thì bài bạn khoảng band 7 có thể hơn nếu cải thiện được lỗi ngữ pháp. 

Mình có một số góp ý

1. Bạn nên hạn chế dùng "we" lại. Bạn có thể dùng people thay cho we hoặc thể bị động nghe khách quan và academic hơn

2. Ngay ở intro bạn đã dùng sai từ "radio has gradually become obsolescence". Obsolescence là chỉ 1 process của sự lỗi thời qua thời gian. Radio là đồ vật chứ ko phải process. Đúng phải là radio has gradually become obsolete

3. Nhiều chỗ dùng từ hơi ngô nghê. Ví dụ: Radio is technologically backward equipment. Thứ nhất radio thì là gọi là device hợp lí hơn. Hơn nữa backward là từ chỉ sự thoái hóa, ngu dốt, hoặc là quá tệ. Thay vào đó, bạn có thể nói là: It is evident that radio is less technological advanced in comparison with blah blah blah.

4. Regarding + noun luôn không có "to"

5. Chú ý khi đặt câu dài bạn phải chú ý chia động từ cho đúng. Ví dụ: the other disadvantage of the radio is that it is unable to convey messages with sight and motion, as television or internet does

Bạn dùng is unable cho radio thì cũng phải dùng tobe cho television và internet chứ does ở đâu ra. 

Còn 1 số chỗ nữa ví dụ however the fact that là sai vì đó ko phải 1 câu. The fact that là mệnh đề thôi nên cậu chưa chấm kết thúc câu được. The fact that gì nữa chứ

Anyway, chúc bạn thi tốt nha

Comments

Cảm ơn rất nhiều vì đã góp ý ạ