Hi Yen, I love your enthusiasm, I'm not really good at writing English but I hope I can help you a little with my skills aquired for a long time.
Most of the people have their own hobbies. How about you? What are your hobbies? To me, my hobbies are playing badminton and reading cooking books.
Remember: The structure: Most of the people=most people
How about you, not your, or you can say how about yours?
Use capital letter at the beginning of each sentence.
First of all my hobby is playing badminton., do you like badminton? I play badminton in the afernoon whhen i have free time or after returning from my work, playing badminton keeps my bodyy in constant motion and relieves stress.
Remember: Lots of mistakes in dictation, so you need to think over them more carefully
Avoid asking too many questions in your writing, because you are writing, not presenting.
Use the tenses more cautiously.
My other hobby is reading books especially in cooking books, you know it helps me to cook a lot of exciting dishes
Remember: when you want to mention another idea in your writing, put it in a new paragraph.
i don't know what your hobbies are? but to me playing badminton is the best way to relieve my stress and have good health
Remember: This one is not really soft honestly, you shouldn't say I don't know what your hobbies are, as you have mentioned it once at the introduction. Please use capital letter.
and cooking , are you a good cook?if not why don't you find and read a cooking book it helps you to make more delicious meals to serve your family's members. i'm sure that they will love you more
In my opinion, may be you are a beginner, so it's totally OK when you can write like this. But there are some mistakes and when you sit an exam, please don't use any structures that you don't know clearly, as you'll lose some points. However, try more. Wish you success!!!