Bài IELTS Task 1 - Please check this for me. Thanks a lot.

Question

(Do không biết tải hình ảnh lên nên e để link ảnh ạ) https://www.google.com.vn/search?q=the+pie+charts+give+information+in+the+proportion+of+carbohydrates&client=ms-android-huawei&prmd=ivmn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj10-eynJ_eAhWOUd4KHSteDWEQ_AUIESgB&cshid=1540389197074&biw=360&bih=600#imgrc=Moa5iZ1PPeEqoM%3A
     The pie charts reveals information on the number of three selected types (Carbohydrates, Protein and Fat) in three different diets. Each unit is measured in percent (%).
      From an overall perspective, there was a significant difference from three chosen diets. As can be seen from the chart that the proportion of Carbohydrates was found to be the largest one in the vast majority of diets, excepting for "Average diet". Actually, the figures recorded for Carbohydrates in "Healthy diet" and "Healthy diet for sport" were 50% and 60%, respectively.
      Remarkably, the amount of protein in "Healthy diet" was found to be 30% and the corresponding figure given in "Healthy diet for sport" was 25%. The proportion of Carbohydrates and Protein in "Average diet" were seem to be at the same level, with 40% which was followed by that figure of Fat, with 20%.
     Surprisingly, the lowest percentages of Fat were found to be on "Healthy diet" and "Healthy diet for sport". In fact, these figures accounted for 20% and 15%, in that order.

Answer 1

Mình nghĩ là bạn nên bỏ dấu ngoặc kép và paraphase các từ trong ngoặc kép để tránh lập từ. Ngoài ra, bài viết khá gượng gạo và unnatural. Bạn nên đọc các bài mẫu trước khi bắt đầu ngồi viết để học cách diễn văn.