mình mới luyện viết, hi vọng được sự giúp đỡ của các bạn. Cám ơn các bạn đã góp ý cho mình

Question

Mobile phone – useful electronic device!

It is undeniable that mobile phone is the most important thing which teenager or even adults nowadays must have. Just imagine that one day how we will live without it, I think, you may have difficulty in lots of problems.

That’s why I say that mobile phone is necessary in the need of your life. One of the advantages is that telephone is the means of effective communication without leaving your house. You can be in touch with anyone all the time at any places or have a chat by messengers with your friends when you don’t say by words

More importantly, mobile phone is a small portable device, so you can carry everywhere you want. Furthermore, this device is also helpful in studying or entertaining if you feel bored. You just use the Internet and there are lots of websites for you to learn or watching good films or playing games by downloading them.

In conclusion, mobile phone is the best thing that modern teenagers today should not be without because of its benefits bringing for you.

Answer 1

http://chuawritingmienphi.com/index.php/6017/minh-moi-luyen-viet-hi-vong-duoc-su-giup-do-cua-cac-ban-cam-on-cac-ban-da-gop-y-cho-minh?utm_content=buffer693ed&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

 

Bạn mới viết nhưng nắm bắt những điểm câu chốt, nhấn câu khá tốt. Vì viết dùng quá những câu mẩu nên chưa được chi tiết ý kiến của bạn về mobile phone.

Comments

bạn có thể chi ra giúp mình được không, để có gì mình sẽ chỉnh sửa. Thanks bạn rất nhiều nha

Answer 2

It is undeniable that mobile phone is the most important thing which teenager or even adults nowadays must have. Just imagine that one day how we will live without it, I think, ( I consider that ) you may have difficulty in lots of problems.

That’s why I say that mobile phone is necessary for the need of your life. One of the advantages is that telephone is the means ( mean) of effective communication without leaving your house. You can be in touch with anyone all the time ( all at once = simultaneously) at any places or have a chat by messengers with your friends when you don’t say by words ( without saying word by word)

More importantly ( Especially ) , the mobile phone is a small portable device, so ( which ) you can carry everywhere you want. Furthermore, this device is also helpful in studying or entertaining if you feel bored. You just use the Internet and there are lots of ( a great number of ) websites for you to learn or watching ( watch ) good films or playing( play ) games by downloading them.

In conclusion, the mobile phone is considered as the best thing that modern teenagers today( in modern day) should not be without because of its benefits bringing for you.

 

I don't have enough time to fix your topic , but you should consider the structure and grammar , especially avoid repeating words