ielts task 2 - giúp em sửa bài với. Cảm ơn mọi người

Question

Writing task 2

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

You should write at least 250 words.

Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

 

Nowadays, music is a type of entertainment that is essential in our life. Whilst, we have the traditional music in our country, listening to international music is more and more popular and is not least.

First of all, music have many different types in the world today an it has an important role in human life. Music helps us to solve more problem  of working , studing, entertainment , relax and relationship….When we get in trouble about thinking or even you feel tired after working day , a few music songs can get you out of trouble and be in more comfortable  zone. Sometimes, people listen music as their mood that they are in , specific when they are sad some people choose a soft – sad music, the happy others choose music that is funny , active tunes. Besides, music is also one of  special art industries  in our life. It also supports for the others art industries: film, stage, ….. . Especially, music  can brings a magic feeling to us and we can never forget them , because they are legends and almost people know  about their names : Beethoven,  …..

Secondly, besides of listening of traditional music , some people enjoys the international music . It is no hence else in two type of music because music is no limit and no distinguish. Traditional music has their beauty and so does international music, nothing is important than want. Music has no shape, height or weight, so when can compare both of us. If people like to listen traditional music, they do, if they prefer international music , no one can force them. Traditional music sometimes supports the international music about knowledge of music and  a lot of important things. If people just know about traditional music, they can’t touch to the levels as well as understand about music industry in the world, cant study modern and new of world music.

Therefore, music is an one of the best essential things in human life. Although, they are traditional or international music , they are also important  in everyday of human life

Answer 1

Điều đầu tiên là  cần cắt ngắn xuống đã bạn ơi. 353 chữ là quá dài cho một cuộc tình, ngay cả văn hay chữ tốt như giám khảo Simon cũng chỉ cao nhất 322 chữ. Bạn cắt ngắn xuống còn 250-300 từ sẽ dễ cho mọi người theo dõi và góp ý hơn ^^

Nhìn qua thì bài này còn khá nhiều lỗi grammar, cũng như thiếu hụt các từ vựng academic hay là collocation. Bạn cứ cắt ngắn số chữ xuống và tự rà soát lại bài một lần nữa, rồi mọi người sẽ cùng nhau trao đổi ^^

Answer 2

1.Mình thấy không ai dung more popular đâu bạn, 

2. Không dùng ... nhé bạn, giám khảo IELTS coi việc dùng ... là thể hiện your thought is not complete.

3.has an important role  thành play an important role.

4. support không đi với about nhé , dùng support for nhé.

5.music is an one of the best essential things     thing chứ

 

Nhìn chung bài bạn có nhiều lỗi ngữ pháp với word choice , cố gắng hơn nhé 

 

 

Answer 3

Mình thấy k nên dùng dấu .... nhiều quá

Với lại ít từ vựng khó  nữa, academic thiếu nhiều lắm!!

Bạn nên lên tìm từ điển Oxford để xem từ đồng nghĩa vs collocation .

Bạn nên tham khảo 1 số bài mẫu ccaanf thiết để học ^^

 

2. Không dùng ... nhé bạn, giám khảo IELTS coi việc dùng ... là thể hiện your thought is not complete.

3.has an important role  thành play an important role.

4. support không đi với about nhé , dùng support for nhé.

5.music is an one of the best essential things     thing chứ (của anh bên dưới)