Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for students, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion.
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Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for students, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion.

 
 
Nowadays, in modern life, health is the most important thing, as it has attracted many people's concern these days. According to some scientists, a sedentary lifestyle causes various health problems. Hence sport continues to be a controversial topic in school curriculum. There are valid opinions on both sides, which I will consider now.
 
On the one hand, some people think that sports use up time which children could be better spent on academic subjects such exam prep as Math, Biology and so on. In addition, it might be said that it is unwise to force children to do many types of physical activities that they have no interest in. Many parents state that children now are just not sporty, and they should be allowed to study instead. And that is the reason why sports has become an optional subject for students in most of school.
 
 
On the other hand, there are certain plus point of playing sports children need to consider. The major benefit of sports is that it helps children's physical develop and keep them fit and healthy. Secondly, participating in sport helps children learn how to work with other teammates, and also emphasize the importance of teamwork, for instance, football and hockey, which is the valuable experiences, help children succeed in there futures. For example, many successful business people now excelled in sport at school, such as Whole Foods CEO Walter Robb, was a soccer star at Stanford University.
 
In conclusion, I totally agree that sport should be an essential part of school life, because it brings several positive aspects and necessary skills for students. Therefore, students should harmoniously combine acquiring academically education and joining sport at school.
 
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Mình có một số góp ý về bài của bạn như sau: 

Nowadays, in modern life, health is the most important thing, as it has attracted many people's concern these days. According to some scientists, a sedentary lifestyle causes various health problems. Hence (Ở đây bạn dùng sai từ nối) However, sport continues to be a controversial topic in school curriculum. There are valid opinions on both sides, which I will consider now. (Hence dùng để nối 2 vế mang nghĩa bổ sung cho nhau, nối giữa hai mệnh đề mang nghĩa trái ngược của đề bài bạn nên dùng từ khác)        

 Ở phần mở bài bạn đưa ra 2 ý là: "a sedentary lifestyle causes various health problems" và "sport continues to be a controversial topic in school curriculum", tuy nhiên ở phần thân bài bạn chỉ triển khai ý kiến thứ 2 chứ không hề đả động gì đến ý kiến thứ nhất. Và ý kiến thứ nhất của bạn cũng không hề được đề cập đến trong phần đề bài. 

Lưu ý, bài của bạn không chặt chẽ giữa các phần sẽ không được band điểm cao. 

Ở đoạn thứ 3, trong đoạn mình chưa thấy bạn mở đầu bằng "Firstly" ở chỗ nào, nhưng đã thấy có "Secondly" ? 

Ngoài ra, bài viết của bạn có những ưu điểm sau:

- Phần thân bài triển khai các ý rõ ràng, chặt chẽ với nhau 

- Ngữ pháp ổn 

- Dùng tốt mệnh đề quan hệ để viết các câu phức dài 

- Ví dụ cụ thể, luận cứ thuyết phục 

Chúc bạn ngày càng tiến bộ và thành công ! 

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Nowadays, in modern life, (Nowadays và in mordern life : gần giống nghĩa nhau, tuy nhiên nowadays là từ informal ko nên dùng trong ielt writing) health is the most important thing, as it has attracted many people's concern these days. ( ko nên dùng these days nữa vì có in modern life rồi) According to some scientists, a sedentary lifestyle causes various health problems. Hence sport continues to be a controversial topic in school curriculum. There are valid opinions on both sides, which I will consider now. ( Mình nghĩ lại
 
On the one hand, some people think that sports use up time which children could be better spent on academic subjects such exam prep as Math, Biology and so on. In addition, it might be said that it is unwise to force children to do many types of physical activities that they have no interest in. Many parents state that children now are just not sporty, and they should be allowed to study instead. And that is the reason why sports has become an optional subject for students in most of school.
 
 
On the other hand, there are certain plus point of playing sports children need to consider. The major benefit of sports is that it helps children's physical develop and keep them fit and healthy. Secondly, participating in sport helps children learn how to work with other teammates, and also emphasize the importance of teamwork, for instance, football and hockey, which is the valuable experiences, help children succeed in there futures. For example, many successful business people now excelled in sport at school, such as Whole Foods CEO Walter Robb, was a soccer star at Stanford University.
 
In conclusion, I totally agree that sport should be an essential part of school life, because it brings several positive aspects and necessary skills for students. Therefore, students should harmoniously combine acquiring academically education and joining sport at school.
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