writting about future job

Question

whoever also have dream about future job and my dream is become a tourguide is that i can travel to many places.i love watching and discovering beautiful places.Being a touguide i can show everyone the beauty and all of the information of the places.it makes me happy when many people know more about thoes beautiful places.touguide is also a good job because of the stable wage so that i will not have to worry about money.My parents always support all of my decisions and hope that i will sucess in my life.Now,i am studying hard to make my dream come true and make my parents proud of me.That is all about my future job

Answer 1

whoever also (No need, whoever is enough) have (has - whoever + V số ít) dream ("our dream") about future job and my dream is (to-không thể 2 động từ cùng lúc nhé) become a tourguide is (không có chủ ngữ) that i can travel to many places.i love watching and discovering beautiful places.Being a touguide i can show everyone the beauty (the landscapes - beauty là cái đẹp thì chung chung quá) and all of the information of the places.it makes me happy when many people know more about thoes (those) beautiful places. Tour guide is also a good job because of the stable wage so that i will not have to worry about money. My parents always support all of my decisions and hope that i will sucess in my life.Now,i am studying hard to make my dream come true and make my parents proud of me.That is all about my future job.

some advice and feedback nhé

- bạn có idea nhưng chưa triển khai và support cho nó được nên bài rất rời rạc :((

- Hãy gạch ý đưa ra từ 2 đến 3 lý do sau đó viết các câu và give example cho nó

- k nên lặp lại nhiều từ. Cho bạn vài cụm từ bằng nhau (synonyms) 

Beautiful = nice, wonderful, pretty

beautiful places/scenery  = nice views, wonderful landscapes.

http://chuawritingmienphi.com/4913/please-check-thanks-writing-ielts-choice-either-abroad-remain-country-vacation-choice

 

Answer 2

whoever also have dream about future job and my dream is become a tourguide is that i can travel to many places.i love watching and discovering beautiful places.Being a touguide i can show everyone the beauty and all of the information of the places.it makes me happy when many people know more about thoes beautiful places.touguide is also a good job because of the stable wage so that i will not have to worry about money.My parents always support all of my decisions and hope that i will sucess in my life.Now,i am studying hard to make my dream come true and make my parents proud of me.That is all about my future job

Theo cá nhân mình, bạn nên dùng thêm những từ như firstly, secondly, finally và các liên từ nối như morever, furthermore, bạn cũng nên thêm vào bài viết những câu If hoặc là đảo ngữ, mình nghĩ như vậy bài viết sẽ được dánh giá cao hơn 

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