Đề thi IELTS - 08/08/2015 - Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later. Some people think that having...

Question

TOPIC task 2 của tuần này update ngày 08/08/2015 :

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later. Some people think that having these people to give a talk to school students is the best way to tell them about dangers of committing a crime. Do you agree or disagree?

-------------------------------------------------

Hướng dẫn sử dụng trong top Chữa đề IELTS hàng tuần:

Step 1: Click  ở cuối mỗi bài viết được post lên trong top để nhận xét bài viết của các mem khác (ưu tiên những bài chưa có góp ý nào nhé ^^ )

Step 2: Click nút  ở cuối topic này để post bài bạn viết lên. 

Step 2.5: Và đừng quên góp ý cho những bài viết trong mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để kiếm thêm point nhé :)

Luật của Top:

- Mỗi bạn sẽ post bài viết của mình lên dưới dạng góp ý (+2 point cho mỗi bài viết).

- Các bạn sẽ cùng viết, vote và nhận xét bài lẫn nhau trong Topic này.

- Bài viết nào được vote nhiều nhất sẽ được chọn làm bài viết hay nhất (+4 point).

 

Hạn chót nộp bài sẽ là 12h trưa sáng thứ 7 tuần này nhé :)

Have fun !

----------------------------

Bài mẫu Band 8.0 cho đề Task 2 tuần này: 08/08/2015 đến từ IPP IELTS

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later. Some people think that having these people to give a talk to school students is the best way to tell them about dangers of committing a crime. Do you agree or disagree?

Crime education for school students has long been a major topic of concern in society. There is a common belief that talks by ex-prisoners should be held at school to inform students of the threats when a crime is committed. While I accept that this practice is beneficial in a few ways, I believe there are many better measures of crime prevention.

There are certain benefits of having ex-prisoners talking to students about the hazards that are associated with crimes. The most obvious benefit is to educate students about the general knowledge of crimes. Those who committed a crime surely have gathered knowledge about crimes and the common motives of crimes, not only from their wrongdoings but also from communication with other criminals. From this, students may learn the early signs of crimes, what they should be aware of to enhance self-regulation to prevent crimes. In addition, ex-prisoners are those who underwent a long process of imprisonment and rehabilitation, so their life-stories are often a great source of real-life experiences of not only what prisoners are deprived of but also how regretful they feel. These stories, once verbalised, may deter students from carrying out a crime.

However, I am convinced that there are better solutions to prevent crimes. The most important measure is to introduce criminology as a subject at school, with both compulsory taught lessons and student-centred seminars. While life-stories of ex-prisoners are often biased, criminology knowledge is scientifically proven based on a large set of data and is much more reliable than a few single persons’ stories. With this method, students can learn all the necessary knowledge about crimes through the lens of science and therefore have a holistic view on crimes and crime prevention. The other measure is to film the harsh daily lives of prisoners and show it to school students. Ex-prisoners’ talks can be persuasive, but films with vivid images are be much more visually attractive to students and thus have a greater deterrent impact.

To conclude, I am of the opinion that although talks by ex-prisoners are of good values to school students, there are stronger crime-prevention measures such as the introduction of criminology as a school subject.

Answer 1

Mình xin được mở màn , mong các pro chấm thẳng tay giúp mình !

The today's society are encouraging many previous offences to revert to communal life , by offering opportunities to get involved in  education in order to ameliorate students ’ consciousness . However , I personally must admit that there will be a minority of enhancement ,as will be examined beneath

First and foremost , children are the objects who is susceptible by extrinsic elements  . From this perspective, young children , who still not fully develop their mindset as well as social interaction , will utterly misapprehend former prisoners’ stories as compared to usual ones which their teacher have periodically quoted in a classroom . If mentors do compound aforementioned conversation with pragmatic trips to evil ambience ( such as prisons , jails ) so as to just show their students adverse consequences of criminal activities , it will probably generate more obsession than useful comprehension for immature spirits. 

Besides , not all convicts is of their own selfishness or bad conscience , but some cases stem from the miscarriage of law enforcement . To be more specific , the legislation system have become impartial for decades ,ironically , there was also quite a few victims of a glaring injustice  worldwide , especially in developing countries . If these persons must speak disadvantages of criminal atmosphere ,  it will be unfeasible  .Consequently ,the youth is likely to be ambiguous to national ideology , gradually deteriorating their patriotism

In conclusion , enlightening students about crime depend on not only what former prisoner  represent , but also what parents, teachers and the public  express their attitudes towards phenomenon , which results in a perfect educational environment for the country ‘s future owners   

( 279 words )

Comments

Chào bạn,

Mình có một số góp ý như sau:

-Vocabulary: bài luận của bạn sử dụng một mật độ academic words rất dày, hầu như là SAT words, trong đó có một vài từ nghĩa hiếm, nghĩa Mỹ. It's OK, nhưng mình nghĩ những từ mang nghĩa hiếm, nghĩa Mỹ nên tiết chế lại. Những từ đồng nghĩa chỉ nên dùng 1 từ thôi. (prison=jail)

-Bài của bạn có 1 nhược điểm khá lớn, LACK OF BREVITY. Đó là câu của bạn quá dài, lủng củng, khiến người đọc đọc đi đọc lại vài lần mới hiểu. Lưu ý: trong IELTS, điểm coherence cực kì quan trọng. Hơn nữa, trong 1 câu các vế phải liên quan đến nhau, nếu không phải dùng dấu ; để tách 2 vế ra ( tương tự như chữa lỗi sai trong writing section, SAT)

-Topic sentence nên đưa vào đầu đoạn. Ví dụ, ở para 1, mình gần hết đoạn mới có thể hiểu bạn đang nói gì, đó là những ấn tượng, ám ảnh mạnh mẽ thay vì hiệu quả giáo dục. Mình xin phép được đề xuất 1 phương án chỉnh sửa đi thẳng vấn đề như sau: 

Topic sentence: Children may has deepfelt obsession of prisoners' previous conviction rather than its bane.

Justification: Children are tender and immature....(đưa lí lẽ của bạn vào)

Bonus: How to use SAT words effectively requires deeper study and practice; attaching them to context may work well.

Best regard, 

---

Cám ơn bạn rất nhiều . Mình đánh giá rất cao sự góp ý nhiệt tình của bạn , tuy nhiên có 1 số điều mình cần phải nói rõ

Mình ko có cần SAT , mình cần IELTS Academic

1. Cách chấm so sánh từ vựng từ nào từ Anh , Mĩ , hiếm, của bạn là mình thấy ko hợp lý

- Bạn so sánh kiểu từ này của SAT , từ này từ Mĩ ... thì giống như bạn không thừa nhận nó là English words vậy . Bản chất IELTS là thí sinh phải cho thấy họ hiểu về English và cách sử dụng nó một cách đúng đắn như thế nào ( tức là có sai grammar ko ? ) , chứ không phải là phân biệt từ ngữ nó là của người Mĩ, nó là của người Anh, nó là của người Úc .....

2. Bạn nói coherence and cohension thì tuỳ vào cảm thụ văn học của mỗi người , mình xin thừa nhận mình rất yếu Văn học và ngôn ngữ , cho nên câu cú của mình cũng hơi lủng củng . Ngoài ra , mình cũng xin quả quyết rằng , examiner IELTS khi chấm thì họ chấm coherence và cohension sau cùng, sau khi check lỗi sai về Grammar, Task Chievement , Lexical Resources .Vì thầy mình là Examiner IDP

Thông qua 2 yếu tố bạn góp ý cho mình , thì mình nghĩ bạn là dân luyện SAT chứ không phải IELTS . Nhưng cũng rất cám ơn bạn về những ý kiến trên.

---

Dear,

Nói về nghĩa Mỹ, it is OK nếu bạn dùng AE. Nói về nghĩa hiếm, bạn thực sự nên tiết chế. Bạn nên đọc thêm các bài samples nhé. Nghĩa hiếm là nghĩa ít dùng, ít mang tính học thuật. SAT words mình khuyến khích dùng, và dùng CHỌN LỌC. Hơn nữa, một số từ mình khẳng định là bạn dùng sai. ...SUSCEPTIBLE BY extrinsic elements? -> susceptible to.

Mình thi IELTS khá lâu rồi, không còn nhớ rõ các tiêu chí chấm điểm nữa. Mình có thể khẳng định CLARITY cực kì quan trọng. (Now matter how frequent your academic words are). CLARITY ảnh hưởng đến việc người chấm có bắt được ý không, và mình tin là một bài luận dễ hiểu, tuy ít từ khó nhưng sẽ nhiều điểm hơn một mớ hỗn độn từ ngữ. Bạn đơn giản là cố nhồi càng nhiều từ vào càng tốt:))

Finally, mình từng thi IELTS trước khi thi SAT. If you are strong-headed, you will never make progress. Nếu bạn bảo mình cho điểm, mình khẳng định bài này chỉ được 6.0 là cùng thôi, may mắn sẽ được 6.5.  

GOOD LUCK,

---

Rất cám ơn sự góp ý của bạn . Thank you so much! 

---

Bạn bảo chấm thẳng tay chứ không phải chấm tùy tiện. Band score đưa ra phải có evidence.

1. Task achievement: 6.5

Bạn trả lời hoàn toàn topic và tập trung vào topic.

Tuy nhiên, thesis statement củ bạn chưa thể hiện rõ quan điểm (dù phần body khá rõ), bạn nên đưa ra là không đồng ý vì 2 lý do.

Conclusion nên restate và summary. Không nên lan man.

2. Coherence and Cohesion: 7

"I personally must admit that there will be a minority of enhancement". Bạn có thesis statement. Nếu bạn dùng từ khác dễ hiểu hơn như drawbacks, upsides, nagative impacts on, thì dễ hiểu hơn. Coherence cả bài cũng nâng cao.

Phần body, 2 topic ideas được well-supported.

3. Lexical resource: 7.5

Bạn dùng nhiều từ academic.

Một số chỗ theo mình là chưa hợp lý:

Về quan điểm cho rằng bài viết dùng nhiều từ SAT. Phản biện của mình thế này:

+ Thứ nhất, giả sử dùng từ SAT thì có gì sai. Nó ảnh hưởng đến tiêu chí nào trong các tiêu chí của examiners.

+ Thứ hai, mình chưa từng học SAT nhưng vẫn biết tất cả những từ trong bài. Những từ này phổ biến trong IELTS Writing.

4. Grammatical range and accuracy: 7

Dùng nhiều câu phức và câu ghép. Dùng câu điều kiện. Dùng chủ ngữ giả there is a...

In general, bạn có mắc một số lỗi nhỏ nhưng bài viết bạn khá tốt, bạn đã dành thời gian học qua IELTS và đã viết tương đối bài.

Cố gắng phát huy.

Nguyễn Bình Phương.

---

Dear Binh Phuong,

Please read my remarks more carefully before making any comments. I have said that Using SAT words should be encouraged, however, some rare words should be expurgated.

Have you ever sit any ielts exam? How much did you gain? Which foundation are you basing on when making these judgements?

---

Một số vấn đề trong bài

- "However , I personally must admit that there will be a minority of enhancement ,as will be examined beneath". Bạn xem từ "Minority" nhé. Chú ý dấu chấm cuối câu.

- "First and foremost , children are the objects who is susceptible by extrinsic elements". Susceptible to.

- "not all convicts is of their own selfishness or bad conscience". Convicts số nhiều đi kèm is.

- "the legislation system have become impartial for decades". Has. Legislative system mới là collocation đúng nhé.

 - "Consequently ,the youth is likely to be ambiguous to national ideology , gradually deteriorating their patriotism". The youth. Theo mình hiểu trong ngữ cảnh này là "The young are likely", chứ mình không nhắm đến 1 cá nhân nào.

- "In conclusion , enlightening students about crime depend on not only what former prisoner  represent , but also what parents, teachers and the public  express their attitudes towards phenomenon , which results in a perfect educational environment for the country ‘s future owners".

=> Nên để ý dấu câu. Enlightening depends, V-ing is singular. Tại sao dùng mạo từ the trước public.

Answer 2

It is said that people who have been released from prison and shown good citizenship should be given chances to tell students about the risks of being an offender. While I agree that it is a good idea, the orientation of the media is also equally important.

On the one hand, people put to jail could help prevent school students  from being prisoners. In other words, from their real experience, they could vividly tell about their feelings after committing a crime, and the difficulties in the way to reintegrate into the community. From these stories, up to a point, students are warned about strictness of the law and consequences of being out of control. As a result, unexpected things would not be repeated.

Nevertheless, the idea of giving opportunies for reformed prisoners to talk to young teenagers at school solely could sometimes lead to negative effects. In some cases, yound students could even idolize blindly sinners who have perfect ways to commit their crimes if school authorities have no idea to orient them. For example, a man who used his knowledge to illegally fight against the authority with sound-good reasons might receive many empathies from students. If the media does not lead to the right way or intends to lead to the wrong one, the representation of these offenders would make students doing wrongly.

In conclusion, talks from people who used to go to the jail to students are necessary to help minimize the repeat of the pitiful stories if the media and the authority could have the right orientation.

(260 words

Answer 3

Many countries, today, have introduced a new initiative into their education systems with the idea that students best learn about dangers of committing crimes through talks delivered by ex-prisoners. However, this has attracted growing negative criticisms among the public. In my view, such program is only effective in certain circumstances.

It is no doubt that the experience shared by people who have history of criminal offences, can be a valuable tool to educate youngsters. As their stories are based on facts and personal perspectives, school students are likely to be convinced and aware of the consequences of participating in illegal activities in justice systems in their countries. This also helps to strengthen teenagers’ moral foundations built upon current educational ideology. For example, many high schools in United States invited the authors of ‘Freedom Writers’ to present their anecdotes of from being drug convicts to becoming successful writers. As the result, the statistics of juvenile drug dealers in United States dropped significantly in 2001. Therefore, honest talks given by ex-prisoners can certainly be beneficial for teenagers’ self-development.

However, this initiative, I believe, can create wrong perceptions in young people. Although the talks are designed with the aim of enhancing students' morality and attitude, some might think such stories can help them to be ‘cool’ and different. This is best exemplified by the case of 15 year-old boy in Texas who murdered a stranger on street just to be saluted by his thug friends. The reason behind this shocking event was reported that the boy was motivated by the story shared by ex-murderer on a talk show. As can be seen, it is understandable that there can be certain odd and harmful situations resulted from the program.

Overall, as discussed, while ex-convicts’ experience and personal points of views are undoubtedly effective in educating young people about dangers of committing crimes, some negative aspects related to it should be carefully taken into account. 

Answer 4

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later. Some people think that having these people to give a talk to school students is the best way to tell them about dangers of committing a crime. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people suggest that having former prisoners, who become good citizens after being released from prison, to talk with students is the best way to prevent crime. While I accept that this solution is effective to alert students to the threats of committing a crime, I believe that there are other better methods of crime prevention.

It’s undeniable that, there are certain benefits of having reformed offenders talking to students about the hazards that are associated with crimes. The most obvious benefit is to educate students about the general knowledge of crimes. Those, who committed a crime, surely understand  how they became involved in a crime, the dangers of a criminal lifestyle, and what life in prison is really like. They can also dispel any ideas that students may have about criminals leading glamorous lives. In addition, teenagers are more likely to accept advice from someone who can speak from experience. Most of them would be extremely keen to hear the stories of an ex-offender. The vivid and perhaps shocking nature of these stories is likely to have a powerful impact.

However, I am convinced that there are better solutions to prevent crimes. The first option would be to educate children about proper actions at home. Parents must reinforce good behavior in children at an early age. The second option would be for teachers to introduce documentary films with themes about social evils or unlawful activities to students. Through these movies, students would learn how to avoid breaking the law. Finally, schools can organize visits to a famous jail, where students would experience isolation, being separated from family and friends would be hard and their relationships often suffered as a result. These methods would raise the student’s awareness of crime and punishment.

In conclusion, a talk given by ex-offenders is not the best way to educate students about crime, there are some better methods as mentioned above could be applied to teach students at their homes and schools.

Answer 5

It is believed that prisoners become a better citizens after being educated in the prison. After that, they are able to speak to adolescents about their experiences and it can make teenagers avoid committing a sin. Personally, I partly agree with this opinion.

On the one hand, there are a host of reasons why I support prisoners who have been in prison can change the negative thinking of the adolescents. One of the most significant reasons is that they have enough experiences to educate the teenagers. Maybe in the past, they had several negative thinking in their mind and it made them commit a crime and then they recognized what they did affected the society and they know the way to fix it. Furthermore, I firmly believed that the prisoners who recognized the truth will feel that they have mistakes with the society. So, they have responsibility for the society that protect not only themselves but also the next generation out of the crime.

However, I would also argue that there are a few prisoners who have passed the time in the prison could not recognized the truth. First of all, the characteristics in their prisoners are too hard to change. So, it is quite easy for them to continue their crime. Another important factor is that they can not give up their crime because maybe the time in prison of them is too short to recognize the truth. Therefore, they can teach their negative thinking to teenagers. At the age of 14-18, it is too difficult for the adolescents to know what the wrong are.

While I think prisoners can speak to the adolescent about the dangers of committing a sin, I disagree with the view that we should let the prisoners teach the teenagers about how to make themselves out of the crime.


It is believed that prisoners become a better citizens after being educated in the prison. After that, they are able to speak to adolescents about their experiences and it can make teenagers avoid committing a sin. Personally, I partly agree with this opinion.

On the one hand, there are a host of reasons why I support prisoners who have been in prison can change the negative thinking of the adolescents. One of the most significant reasons is that they have enough experiences to educate the teenagers. Maybe in the past, they had several negative thinking in their mind and it made them commit a crime and then they recognized what they did affected the society and they know the way to fix it. Furthermore, I firmly believed that the prisoners who recognized the truth will feel that they have mistakes with the society. So, they have responsibility for the society that protect not only themselves but also the next generation out of the crime.

However, I would also argue that there are a few prisoners who have passed the time in the prison could not recognized the truth. First of all, the characteristics in their prisoners are too hard to change. So, it is quite easy for them to continue their crime. Another important factor is that they can not give up their crime because maybe the time in prison of them is too short to recognize the truth. Therefore, they can teach their negative thinking to teenagers. At the age of 14-18, it is too difficult for the adolescents to know what the wrong are.

While I think prisoners can speak to the adolescent about the dangers of committing a sin, I disagree with the view that we should let the prisoners teach the teenagers about how to make themselves out of the crime.

Answer 6

Mọi người góp ý cho em bài này với ạ

It is true that ex-prisoners could be normal in the society. Some people claim that asking them to have talk with school children to educate dangers of being arrested in prison. Although this method has certain benefits, I believe that there are more better solutions to train students about that issues.

    To commence with, having ex-offenders to talk discuss crimes with children also has positive effects. Children are more likely to absorb what someone shares from their own experience. Reformed offenders could show children what the life in prison is like and how dangerous challenges which you have to face are, which means that children are deterred from lawbreaking activities and become productive citizens. However, it is not guaranteed that ex-prisons have got rid of their inner desire to perform such activities again. Moreover, unaware students could learn negative things from these sharing to find out ways to struggle rules and laws.

    There are some different solutions to educate children about dangers of being committed in prison. The most judicious way is to invite police go to school and coach students. This method ensures the safety of children first and foremost. Moreover, it is obvious that police and authority are more acknowledging about prestigious than any ex-offenders. They could give students information about statistics of criminal cases and what punishment were applied for those cases that have strong influence on children’s mind especially those who have thought of appealing prison’s life.

    In conclusion, although discussion between ex-prisoners and students are productive to certain extent, it is not the best way to educate children about crimes due to several more safe and effective methods.