In many countries there are people with extremely high incomes. Some say it is good for the country while others claim that governments should limit salaries. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Question

The rain-storm development of society brings along the standing risks of our unstable day-to-day lives. In which a standardised basic salary is one of the most brain-cracking issue. While some claim that it is vital for a country to have many people of property, others support the government in an effort to grind to a halt of the rich’ income. My essay will look at both sides of this matter through objective eyes.
Admittedly, personal income from financial activities claims a big share to the development of a country. Conventional wisdom has it that if there are more and more wealthy people participating in the social innovation task, their nations could be enriched to a certain extent. As a recent survey from the center for social research and community development, publicity and the national economy enjoy the sweetness of high and rich people’s contribution every year. To be more specific, a huge numerous personal tax coming from the rich flows into national budget is the premise for the highest standards of infrastructures, health care and other social services. Taking a closer look into the picture of the current society, we can see a growing increase in fund raising events which are held by the people with extremely high incomes. They come from different social classes from business men to politicians but they are getting on the right track charitably. They are well-known for their selfless donations and their philanthropic deeds with out a profit-driven purpose. If it were not for the appearance of few small illegally enriched groups, the government would have no reason to manipulate the personal income. To live a life of luxury and success, a number of people dare to trample upon others’ interests. They are blindfolded by the wealth and it comes naturally that they put the national budget in jeopardy. Thus, it is high time for government to prepare the ground for freezing out these people.
All above analysis leads to the conclusion that limiting salaries of employees needs a cautious consideration and sanction in which to satisfy the whole society before taking it into effect.

Answer 1

Mình sửa nghiệp dư thôi, í kiến cá nhân cả nhé 

-Task response 4-: Hình như bạn chưa giải thích vế 2 của đề bài và chưa làm rõ opinion của bạn

-Cohesion: Bạn có idea và explain nó tốt, nhưng chỗ nhảy qua í khác bạn nên sử dụng cohesive word khác rõ ràng hơn. Nên chia body ra làm hai để trả lời 2 í của đề bài và để người chấm tiện theo dõi 

-Grammar: Bạn ngắt câu sai chỗ làm sai ngữ pháp và không có nghĩa (The rain-storm development of society brings along the standing risks of our unstable day-to-day lives. In which a standardised basic salary is one of the most brain-cracking issue). Nhiều câu hơi dài và không có từ nối câu/ tách câu làm câu hơi lủng củng và khó đọc

-Lexical resources 4.5-5: Có vài cụm từ mình không hiểu rõ nghĩa, google cũng không thấy (rain-storm development...), nhưng bù lại bạn có một số từ academic hay.

Comments

@khoainong: fantastic jobs on these comments :3