Writing Task 2 can cham diem ho [closed]

Question

Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.

In what was has technology affected the types of relationships people make?

Has this become a positive or negative development?

Bai lam

 

Modern technologies, while enhancing and making long distance and virutal communication convenient, also cripple social interactions. This essay will discuss whether the implications of such development is favorable.

Apparently, the advent of powerful technologies, namely social media and the internet has made communication much viable. Mobile phones and computers replace traditional means of communication in a much more efficient and precise manner. Such innovations allow us to receive information immediately, and conserve directly with friends and siblings across the globe, rendering long distance relationships and interactions viable. Moreover, the Internet also appreares as the greatest blessing of the centuries, as it provides a virtual platform for not only people who are already familiar with each other to meet, but also for the like minds who are yet to know each other to congregate, as evident in many online facebook groups consisting of mainly virtual friends.

However, excessive use of social media can be detrimental to our development. On the one hand, people who are over reliant on the Internet to deliver their thoughts often face difficulties in real life interactions as they lack the necessary social skill to communicate effectively. On the other hand, those people might also be over occupied with the virtual world, that the relationships with people who are close to them become the least of their concerns. The case of a gaming addicted father leaving his son to die while playing, is generally becoming the trend, though the severity is less. The development that confuse people reality with virtuality is thus inauspicious.  

All cases considered, the neck breaking pace of modern inventions alter the relationship with family members, friends, people who are far away and people online greatly. The benefits of such developments are innumerable, and so are the shortcomings. (293)

Rat cam on va appreciated :)

Answer 1

Modern technologies, while enhancing and making long distance and virutal (1) communication convenient, also cripple social interactions.(2) This essay will discuss (3) whether the implications of such development is favorable.

(1) Grammar mistake

(2) Mình chưa thấy sử dụng cấu trúc ngữ pháp là đưa while vào như thế này bao giờ.

Trước giờ while đặt đầu câu, hoặc đặt giữa hai vế, sau dấu phẩy khi muốn nhấn mạnh sự đối lập.

ð  While modern technologies may enhance and make long distance and virtual communication convenient, they can also cripple social interactions.

(3): Không bao giờ nên viết câu này. Đổi lại là => There is a number of reasons why the implications of such development is favorable/not favorable. Bạn nên nêu rõ ý kiến của mình là gì ngay ở phần mở bài.

Apparently, the advent of powerful technologies, namely social media and the internet has made communication much viable. Mobile phones and computers replace traditional means of communication in a much more efficient and precise manner. Such innovations allow us to receive information immediately, and (4) conserve directly with friends and siblings across the globe, rendering(5) long distance relationships and interactions viable(6). Moreover, the Internet also appreares(7) as the greatest(8) blessing of the centuries, as it provides a virtual platform for not only people who are already familiar with each other to meet, but also for the like minds who are yet to know each other to congregate, as evident in many online facebook(9) groups consisting of mainly virtual(10) friends. (*)

(4) Khi liệt kê một series bạn để từ “and” khi liệt kê đến item cuối cùng.

(5) Parallelism: cấu trúc song song khi liệt kê. Một loạt động từ phải chia giống nhau.

(6): lặp từ, nên thay bằng từ khác.

=>Such innovations allow us to receive information immediately, to converse directly with friends and siblings across the globe, and to render long distance relationships and interactions possibly.

(7) Grammar mistake. Ngoài ra vì đây không phải là fact, bạn nên dùng cautious word.

“as one of the greatest ..”

(8) Không nên dùng từ great vì nó thể hiện sự kém khách quan trong bài viết học thuật vì mang cảm xúc cá nhân.

(9): Facebook là tên riêng, phải viết hoa.

(10): lặp từ, thay bằng từ khác, ví dụ “online friends”

(*) đây là một câu rất dài, "stringy sentence". Bạn nên tách ra làm hai câu.

However, excessive use of social media can be detrimental to our development. On the one hand, people who are over reliant(11) on the Internet to deliver their thoughts often face difficulties in real life interactions as they lack(12) the necessary social skill to communicate effectively. On the other hand, those people might also be over occupied(13) with the virtual(14) world, that(15) the relationships with people who are close to them become the least of their concerns. The case of a gaming addicted father leaving his son to die while playing,(16) is generally becoming the trend(16), though the severity is less. The development that confuse(17) people reality with virtuality(18) is(19) thus inauspicious.  

(11): over-reliant (adj) hoặc dùng là overly reliant

(12) cautious language bởi đây không phải fact

(13) giống (11): over-occupied hay overly occupied.

(14) dùng virtual quá nhiều. Lỗi lặp từ. Khi viết nhớ dùng thesaurus ở word. Gợi ý thay bằng “computer-generated world”.

(15) trước that không đặt dấu phẩy (,)Ngoài ra chuyện đó trở thành “trend” không có căn cứ.

(16) cấu trúc ngữ pháp của câu này không đúng, bỏ dấu phẩy đi.

(17) grammar mistake: chia động từ

(18) lặp từ

All cases considered, the neck breaking pace of modern inventions alter(19) the relationship(20) with family members, friends, people who are far away and people online greatly (21). The benefits of such developments are innumerable, and so are the shortcomings.(**) (293)

(19) grammar mistake: subject verb agreement.

(20) the relationship của ai? (unclear refer)

Nên thay là “the relationship among”

(21) như số (8)

(**) Kết luận không trả lời được câu hỏi của đề bài là “positive” hay “negative”, mà chỉ nói là mỗi cái đều rất nhiều.

 

Note: Bạn nên học kĩ lại ngữ pháp về cách đánh dấu câu (punctuation), quan hệ các loại mệnh đề trong câu.

Bạn có cố gắng sử dụng từ và cấu trúc lạ, tuy nhiên đôi chỗ đọc thấy hơi gượng ép.