Mọi người sửa giúp mình với ạ: In some countries, some high school leavers are choosing to work or travel for a period of time before going to university. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of those school leaver’s decision. Give your own opinion.
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It can be said that these days, there is a variety of young graduates who tend to get a job or take a trip for a period of time before progressing to tertiary education. While this decision exists potential benefits, I strongly believe that this tendency is highly detrimental than expected.

On the one hand, working or traveling for some time after graduating from high school is beneficial because of following points. The first advantage is that students can acquire priceless experience and the comprehensive knowledge of humanity and society. In Vietnam, for instance, many high school leavers might have taken a bicycle tour around the country by the time they attend to university. In fact, this might be a pressing opportunity to broaden their horizons of Vietnam’s cultural identity, as well as, enhance problem-solving and communication skills. Furthermore, they can try numerous jobs during that time to determine what kind of work is truly their passion. In this way, students could have a good orientation for their professional career path.

On the other hand, I personally think that this idea still have several disadvantages. Firstly, largely due to spending a lot of time traveling and working, the majority of the pupils can entrance university later than those who directly move forward to tertiary education. As a result, they are more likely to be a slower compared to their peers on the road to achieve greatness. Secondly, money also comes to the fore. Graduates who want to take a trip may have to rely on their parents for financial help. Even, this could be more difficult if their family does not have a strong economic background.

In conclusion, although there are various advantages that students can obtain from taking a gap year before going to university, I would completely argue that the drawbacks of this idea outweigh the benefits.

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Nhìn chung, đây thật sự là một bài viết rất tốt - đặc biệt ở hai khâu trả lời câu hỏi và diễn đạt mạch lạc. Tuy nhiên, theo ý kiến của mình thì bài viết này vẫn còn một điểm nho nhỏ có thể được cải thiện để trở nên hoàn hảo hơn.

Bên cạnh đó, bạn cũng nên cân nhắc rút gọn lại vài ý bởi bài viết này dài hơn 300 từ, khi đi thi nhiều khả năng sẽ điền vào không kịp. :D

Mình mong nhận được phản hồi của bạn, vì trình độ của mình cũng chỉ ở mức trung bình thôi.

Thân

Thành phố Hồ Chí Minh, 13/12/2014

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"It can be said that these days (These days theo mình là ít lủng củng hơn bởi phía sau đã có "there is a..." rồi), there is a variety of young graduates who tend to get a job (to get a job nếu mình nhớ không nhầm thì được xem là informal trong IELTS, nên thay bằng to gain an occupation) or to take a trip for a period of time before progressing to tertiary education. While this decision exists potential benefits, I strongly believe that this tendency is highly detrimental than expected.


On the one hand, working or traveling for some time after graduating from high school (high school graduation) is beneficial because of these (Những bước này đã được xác định) following points. The first advantage is that students can acquire priceless experience and the comprehensive knowledge of humanity and society. In Vietnam, for instance, many high school leavers might have taken a bicycle tour around the country by the time they attend to (to attend to = to deal with/ to take care of) university. In fact, this might be a pressing opportunity to broaden their horizons of Vietnam’s cultural identity, as well as, enhance problem-solving and communication skills. Furthermore, they can try numerous jobs during that time to determine what kind of work is truly their passion ("their true passions" mạch lạc và ít dư thừa hơn). In this way, students could have a good orientation for their professional career path.

On the other hand, I personally think that(believe) this idea (concept) still have (has) (Trong IELTS nên hạn chế sử dụng hai động từ to have và to be quá nhiều - phía trên bạn đã lặp hai động từ này một số lần rồi - nên mình nghĩ thay bằng "exists" câu văn sẽ suôn hơn) several disadvantages, personally. Firstly, largely due to spending a lot of time traveling and working, the majority of the pupils can entrance university (enter universities/ make an entrance to universities) later than those who directly move forward to tertiary education. As a result, they are more likely to be a slower compared to their peers on the road to achieve greatness. Secondly, money also comes to the fore. Graduates who want to take a trip may have to rely on their parents for financial help. Even, this could be more difficult if their family does not have a strong economic background.

In conclusion, although there are various advantages that students can obtain from taking a gap year before going to university, I would completely argue that (Không cần thiết, vì bạn đã nói ý kiến của bạn phía trên rồi. Lúc này khẳng định sẽ làm tăng tính logic của bài hơn) the drawbacks of this idea outweigh the benefits."

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 Thứ nhất, bài viết của bạn sử dụng I, We trong khi đề bài không hỏi quan điểm cá nhân. Đề bài là "do the advantage of this outweight the disadvantage" thì không được sử dụng đại từ nhân xưng. Chỉ sử dụng quan điểm cá nhân nếu đề bài hỏi rằng: "DO YOU THINK the advantage of thís outweight the disadvantage"

- Thứ hai, bài này là thảo luận về cả lợi và hại. Câu trả lời của bạn là "the main reason is the disadvantage outweight advantage" thì bạn cần nói về vả "advantage" nữa, nếu không thì câu trả lời của bạn sẽ chưa được hoàn thành. Cả lỗi thứ nhất và thứ 2 đều sẽ bị trừ vào lỗi không đạt yêu cầu. Mà lỗi không đạt yêu cầu mà nặng như thế này thì mình nói trước là điểm không quá được band 5 đâu. 

- Thứ ba là cái đoạn "On the other hand, procrastination is inavoidable" đáng ra nên là câu mở đầu cho 1 đoạn văn, không phải là câu kết thúc 1 đoạn văn". Cái này sẽ bị trừ vào lỗi kết nối và mạch lạc
 

 

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