Ielts writing task 2

Question

Please help me find mistakes . And which score do you think i get ? Thank you very much

Topic : Some people do not go directly to college but travel or work for a short time . Do you think it has more advantages or disadvantages?

It is a popular trend that several students have taking a nap after completing the curriculum in high school . While this issue is burdensome to extent , it would do more good than harm .
On the one hand, there are certain reasons supporting attending the university immediately . It is very easy to forget knowledge after a long time without using books . The knowledge is step by step, and school leavers could not remember fundamental knowledge to build a higher education after a gap year . Therefore , they might not have motivation enough to go to university and take novel academic knowledge . Moreover, after a relaxing time, it is difficult to continue following the study in the university . While working could directly gain finance for youngster’s families , they would feel learning is turned to be a waste of time and money . Gradually , they like earning money than studying , and start working instead of learning.
On the other hand, Taking time off before going to the college to travel or work has a number of benefits . Firstly , traveling to the remote tourist attraction might enhance youngster’s knowledge of people from ethnic groups and different customs one of which is language . For instance , young children in Viet Nam could participate in tour to the UK , this might help them to have more opportunities practicing  speak  foreign language , therefore speaking skill can innovate , that is necessary in the trend of modern globalization. Secondly , attempting to work may distribute students a deeper understanding about career they want to pursue in their job future . For example, a learner enjoy doing as the manager in the restaurant . And experiencing with serving clients in period time before going on studying supply essential skills such as dealing with customers , that reinforce them better in the work market .
In conclusion, taking off time before entering the higher education have advantages outweigh disadvantages.
( 335 words)

Answer 1

It is a popular trend that several students have taking take a nap after completing the curriculum in high school. While this issue is burdensome to extent (?, chỗ này mình không hiểu ý bạn lắm), it would do more good than harm .
On the one hand, there are certain reasons supporting attending the university immediately. It is very easy to forget knowledge after a long time without using books . The knowledge is step by step (step by step không phải là tính từ nên không thể dùng như thế này được, bạn có thể viết là Knowledge must be accumulated step by step) , and school leavers could not remember fundamental knowledge to build pursue a higher education after a gap year. Therefore, they might not have motivation enough enough motivation to go to university and take novel academic knowledge. Moreover, after a relaxing time, it is difficult to continue following the study in the university. While working could directly gain finance for youngster’s families , they would feel learning is turned turns out to be a waste of time and money. Gradually, they like earning money than studying, and start working instead of learning.
On the other hand, Taking time off before going to the college to travel or work has a number of benefits . Firstly, traveling to the remote tourist attractions might enhance youngster’ss' knowledge of people from ethnic groups and different customs one of which is language. For instance , young children in Viet Nam could participate in tour to the UK , this might help them to have more opportunities practicing  speak  foreign language , therefore speaking skill can innovate , that is necessary in the trend of modern globalization. (Đoạn này lủng củng, thay bằng For instance, taking a tour to UK will provide young children in Vietnam with more oppotunities to practice speaking foreign language, which can innovate their speaking skill needed in the trend of modern globalization). Secondly, attempting to work may distribute (?) students a deeper understanding about career they want to pursue in their job future . For example, a learner enjoy doing working as the a manager in the restaurant . And experiencing with serving clients in period time before going on studying supply essential skills such as dealing with customers, that reinforce them better in the work market. (Đoạn này cũng lủng củng và tối nghĩa)
In conclusion, taking off time before entering the higher education have advantages outweigh disadvantages. (Kết bài hơi cụt lủn)
Nhận xét chung:
- Bạn có một số lỗi ngữ pháp khá cơ bản
- Nên chú ý sắp xếp các ý gãy gọn và dễ hiểu hơn
- Bạn có thể lên mạng tham khảo quy tắc dùng dấu để khoảng cách giữa các chữ và dấu chính xác hơn. Nó không ảnh hưởng quá nhiều nhưng mà người khác nhìn vào có lẽ hơi khó chịu một chút