writing task 2- cam 9 test 1 topic: advantages and disadvantage of learning a foreign language at primary school [closed]

Question

Mình đang luyện thi IELTS và đây là lần đầu mình thử viết bài lên trang, mong nhận được nhận xét thẳng thắn từ các bạn :D

Some experts believe that it's better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school than a secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

The need of learning a second language is so pervading that some experts argue that early exposure to a foreign language at primary school is more expedient than secondary school. Despite the confusion which may be because language skills have not fully developed in primary students, it is agreed that an early education of a second language is far more benefiting.

Some may advocate that teaching a foreign language to primary students is too hasty. This argument, however, misleads the important of early exposure to language. In fact, youngsters have a tremendous ability in acquiring languages, and they master languages much faster than adults do. This knowledge was scientifically proved with reports, and allowed parents to make use of the early privileges of their children to learn languages. Actually my friend, as an example, had an opportunity to live and learn in the English-spoken Singapore, which later enabled him to perform much better in English class.

On top of that, studying a foreign language at early ages as in elementary school creates a solid background for our children for further education. Thus, they can confidently develop their language skills later on as seemingly everything becomes far more familiar. Moreover, as students get into higher grades, the number of subjects, and consequently, the amount of knowledge exponentially grows. As a result, the time that each student devotes for studying foreign language would be greatly cut down. Hence, acquiring a second language at primary school not only bolsters language skills, but also considerably saves time for future.

To recapitulate, although teaching primary students may be onerous as it seems, the benefits that our children gain from it is far more than that. Therefore, investing time and money for early language study at elementary stage is a wise strategy.

296 words

Answer 1

The need of learning a second language is so pervading that some experts argue that early exposure to a foreign language at primary school is more expedient than secondary school. Despite the confusion which may be because language skills have not fully developed in primary students, it is agreed that an early education of a second language is far more benefiting ( beneficial???).

Some may advocate that teaching a foreign language to primary students is too hasty. This argument, however, misleads the important of early exposure to language. (this argument, however, is meant to mislead people about the importance of early exposure to the alternative languages) In fact, youngsters have a tremendous ability in acquiring languages, and they master languages much faster than adults do ( the younger people are the faster they can accquire and master new languages). This knowledge was scientifically proved with reports, and allowed parents ( this proved knowledge scientifically allows parents) to make use of the early privileges of their children to learn languages. Actually my friend, as an example, had an opportunity to live and learn in the English-spoken Singapore, which later enabled him to perform much better in English class.

On top of that, studying a foreign language at early ages as in elementary school creates a solid background for our children for further education. Thus, they can confidently develop their language skills later on as seemingly everything becomes far more familiar. Moreover, as students get into higher grades ( move up to higher grades or climb to higher grades), the number of subjects, and consequently, the amount of knowledge exponentially grows. As a result, the time that each student devotes for ( devote to or each student devotes less time to studying foreign language) studying foreign language would be greatly cut down. Hence, acquiring a second language at primary school not only bolsters language skills, but also considerably saves time for future.

To recapitulate, although teaching primary students may be onerous as it seems ( an onerous task), the benefits that our children gain from it is far more than that. Therefore, investing time and money for early language study at elementary stage is a wise strategy.

Answer 2

benefiting -> beneficial (adj)
A thesis or purpose statement is necessary in the introduction
youngster : informal, shouldn't be mentioned in formal essay
an example supporting for body graph 1 is not persuading on account of personal experiences (my friend) ; abstract is much better
Furthermore, Singapore is a Chinese-English speaking so it's not very convincing to acknowledge this country
On top of that??? (does this phrase have any meanings or just a spoken language?) You mean On the other hand?
In body paragraph 2 has too many phrases meaning "Therefore"
Are u certain of your supporting idea that the more subjects students learn, the more insights exponentially grow? or the faster they forget? (this is not very clear and sounds like .......)
One possible offer should be indicated in the conclusion
Overall, this essay seems to be quite great
That's all my point of views. Thanks

Comments

Many thanks for your candid comments. Though I concur with you on most of the points but there's something I'm not convinced.

IELTS is an English-proficiency test; therefore, any details involving veracity or delights won't be accounted.

Also, adding personal experiences is not prohibited. It's even encouraged by some ex-examiners to add some flavors to your writing.

Again, I'm grateful that you and other guys showed some interests in my writing, this helps me enhance the quality next time.