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Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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In recent centuries, the school has played a significant role in building children’s personalities. It is supposed that turning them to be good citizens and workers is more essential than teaching for special benefit of individual ones. To my standpoint, I am all for the idea of the priority of general advantage for nations and societies over sole kids.

Firstly, the initial aim of establishing school is not only for imparting knowledge to students, but also for further target, making the people beneficial to society. If the knowledge were imparted with no particular intention, the nations would not have any citizens having the responsibility to do their duty by their country.

Secondly, the help of the school in benefiting children as individuals are not assured to be a good support. Every single person has their own ambitions, some are good thoughts, but others are uncertain. For instance, whilst many people want to become presidents, businessmen – beautiful dreams, some would like to be thieves, murders – bad thoughts. Moreover, even if one dream does no harm but too imaginary, it will gradually destroy his future life.

Thirdly, being a good citizen supporting for the country quite bears a resemblance to have the benefit for himself in a good way. The nation’s policy always treats those giving a hand in developing every aspect of country good privileges. For example, the students joining in the charity campaigns will be looked over more carefully when qualifying for a job.

In a nutshell, there is a saying: “Prioritizing the nation’s work over personal work”. Therefore, personally, I am in favor of the idea believing the knowledge serviced for the benefit of nation, society is more important than making the advantages for its owner.

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In recent centuries, the school has played a significant role in building children’s personalities. It is supposed that turning them to be good citizens and workers is more essential rather than teaching for the special(overused => exclusive) benefit of individual ones. To my standpoint, I am all for the idea of the priority of general advantage for nations and societies over sole kids.

Firstly, the initial aim of establishing schools is not only for imparting knowledge to students but also for further target, making the people beneficial to society. If the knowledge(repeated => education) were imparted(repeated => conveyed) with no particular intention, the nations would not have any citizens having the responsibility for the duty to their country.

Secondly, the help of the school in benefiting children as individuals are is not assured to be a good (overused => consistent) support. Every single person has their own ambitions, some are good thoughts, but others are uncertain. For instance, whilst many people want to become presidents, businessmen – beautiful dreams, some would like to be thieves, murders – bad(overused=> evil) thoughts. Moreover, even if one dream (repeated => objective) does no harm but too imaginary, it will gradually destroy his future life.

Thirdly, being a good citizen supporting for the country quite(overused=>probably) bears a resemblance to have the benefit for himself in a good way. The nation’s policy always treats those giving a hand in developing every aspect of country good proper privileges. For example, the students joining in the charity campaigns will be looked over more carefully when qualifying for a job.

In a nutshell, there is a saying: “Prioritizing the nation’s work over personal work.” Therefore, personally, I am in favor of the idea of believing (too many non-content words => uphold the conviction that) the knowledge serviced for the benefit of the nation and society is more important than making the advantages for its owner.

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (22 điểm)
0 phiếu

tớ thấy về ý tưởng bài bạn cũng khá ổn nhưng nên chú ý về chia động từ nhé
"Secondly, the help of the school in benefiting children as individuals are not..." ->is

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (124 điểm)

Update: Từ 30/4 Điểm bạn tích lũy được trên CWMP sẽ dùng để đổi quà (vé xem CGV (100 điểm/1 vé, thẻ cào điện thoại 150 điểm/thẻ 50k, khóa học IELTS Online (300 điểm/khóa 3 tháng)
Đăng ký quy đổi điểm tại: Form đổi điểm lấy quà"

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