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It is widely believed that besides pursuing making profit objectives, enterprises should also play a vital role in helping society deal with its problems. I partly agree with this assertion because it may be true in the case of large companies while it could put the small ones under intense pressure.

 

Embracing social responsibilities is undoubtedly beneficial for both society and businesses as a whole. As we all know, buying decisions of customers are strongly influenced by a firm's reputation. Therefore, in order to boot sales, many companies have not only concentrated on running different kinds of marketing campaigns but also have done some volunteer activities such as contributing a proportion of their income to support humanitarian organizations or other projects of developing educational or health care systems. Moreover, those acts have also made positive impacts on society as they allowed the government to raise fun spending for upgrading infrastructure and thereby enhancing the quality of the citizen's lives.

 

 

however, from the perspective of small companies I think that they don't have to take responsibility for social problems. Today, a lot of start-up enterprises find it difficult to obtain stable positions in a highly competitive market. Some of those are even on the verge of bankruptcy due to not being able to cover the operating costs. Thus, they should probably prioritize making profit in advance as the top goal in order to survive. Nevertheless, they ought to comply with the laws when running their operations instead of ignoring business ethics and doing illegal conducts just to maximize profit.

 

In conclusion, I agree that large economical organizations should embrace social responsibilities because of having massive financial resources while the small ones should give attention to generating profit within the legal framework.

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INTRODUCTION
besides pursuing making profit objectives,

- this way of writing is difficult to read, and it seems like you are trying to use every fancy collocation

=> pursuing profit objectives OR making/turning/gaining a profit

 

BODY 1

1, while it could (1) put the small ones under intense pressure (2)

- (1) => might (in my opinion)

- (2) to make it more academic, maybe you should try exert intense pressure on their smaller counterparts OR put a strain on their smaller counterparts 

2, As we all know (1), buying decisions (2) of customers are strongly influenced by a firm's reputation.

- (1) Should not use first pronouns in academic writing, but use empty subjects íntead => It is common knowledge that ... / It is known that ... / ...

- (2) does not sound natural, try using shopping habits instead

3, Therefore, in order to boot sales, many companies have not only concentrated on running different kinds of marketing campaigns but also have done (1) some (2) volunteer (3) activities such as contributing a proportion of their income (4) to support humanitarian organizations or other projects of developing educational or health care systems (5).

- (1) have also done (parallel structure with have not only concentrated)

- (2) several (more formal)

- (3) voluntary/charitable

(4) incorrect word choice. Income = salary, and it is earned by individual employees. 
=> use takings/budget/proceeds/sales/turnover instead because it is money earned and saved by companies through business transactions

- (5) Unnecessary. The phrases social welfare OR social programs will help shorten your sentence, and do not alter its meaning. 
- (6) This sentence is extremely long, so you had better try another wording. 

 

Overall comment 1: I suggest you focus on how enterprises themselves benefit from assuming social responsibilities to make your essay more worthwhile. The topic is business, so although I do not mean your last sentence of body 1 is wrong, it is a little bit unnecessary. To make the paragraph clearer, the point should be changed into "Businesses may establish a good reputation by participating in social welfare", followed by a supporting sentence "buying decisions of customers are strongly influenced by a firm's reputation" (with different wording). Also, perhaps you should consider their environmental responsibility because there are cases that industrial zones illegally discharge waste into nature. Surely they are under obligation to protect the environment.

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (24 điểm)
+1 phiếu

BODY 2

1, However, from the perspective of (1) small (2) companies I think that they don't (3) have to take responsibility for social problems.


- (1) use regarding OR as regards to make it more concise


- (2) small and medium-sized


- (3) no abbreviation in academic writing 

I think this sentence should be rewritten: However, I am not convinced that small and medium-sized companies have to assume social responsibilities.

 

2, Today, a lot of (1) start-up enterprises (2) find it difficult to obtain stable positions (3) in a (4) highly competitive market.


- (1) there are other more formal and more academic words to paraphrase it: a myriad of, a host of, a plethora of, a number of, myriads of, numerous, various ...


- (2) entrepreneurs in my opinion

- (3) incorrect collocation. Obtain a position is to have a job. I think you want to mention their rank, their recognition and their ability to prosper, right? So the correct collocation is establish/secure a position

- (4) the market. A market is simply a bazaar


3, Some of those are even on the verge of bankruptcy due to not being able (1) to cover the operating costs (2)

- (1) for being unable to sounds more natural and make the sentence shorter

- (2) the operation costs

 

4, Thus, they should probably prioritize making profit in advance as the top goal (1) in order to survive


- (1) unnecessary in my opinion

- this sentence should be merged with the previous one by a linking word or a FANBOY. Three or four simple sentences in a row absolutely make your essay less academic.


Overall comment 2: The last sentence is irrelevant. The task asks you to explain the benefits of companies whose business is their only goal, not to tell companies about how to (legally) gain a profit. Also, there is a lack of ideas. Consider adding the point that "By focusing on generating profit, companies might in turn indirectly fulfill their social responsibilities." In fact, the higher their turnover is, the larger taxes they have to pay to the government. Eventually, enormous tax revenue is again spent on social welfare.




 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (24 điểm)
0 phiếu

CONCLUSION

because of having massive financial resources (1) while the small ones should give attention to (2) generating profit within the legal framework.


- (1) I do not understand, please try another wording


- (2) wrong collocation => pay attention to st




Overall comment on the whole essay: I see your attempt to paraphrase and use academic phrases, but please beware of incorrect word choice as I have pinpointed above. You might have improved by writing complex sentences and by using more conjunctions, but please do not make it unnecessarily long to avoid grammatical errors. Regarding the ideas you provide, they are all clearly elaborated although there is some irrelevant information. I also suggest you elaborate two minor points in each paragraph so that your essay will be more persuasive.

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (24 điểm)
Cho mình hỏi thêm là theo ý kiến của bạn thì bài viết của mình đạt tầm bao nhiêu điểm ạ? Mình mới tìm hiểu IELTS và đặt mục tiêu 6.5 thôi, được bạn giới thiệu 1 thầy mà hôm ra test thử bài này thầy xem qua rồi bảo đc tầm 7.0 làm mình giật mình quá :((
Mình nghĩ bài bạn viết cũng vào khoảng 7.0 đó, còn tuỳ thuộc vào task 1 bạn viết như nào nữa. Ở bài bạn, mình góp ý theo những gì mình được học được luyện, cộng với việc trước đây mình luyện thi chuyên Anh nên cách viết của mình cũng ngắn gọn và đi thẳng vào vấn đề hơn. Hồi đấy cứ nghĩ dài là hay nên cứ lí giải dài dòng, thành ra vừa mất thời gian vừa bị thầy mắng hì. Mình cũng vẫn cần học hỏi nhiều nữa, vậy nên cùng giúp nhau đạt được mục tiêu nha!

Update: Từ 30/4 Điểm bạn tích lũy được trên CWMP sẽ dùng để đổi quà (vé xem CGV (100 điểm/1 vé, thẻ cào điện thoại 150 điểm/thẻ 50k, khóa học IELTS Online (300 điểm/khóa 3 tháng)
Đăng ký quy đổi điểm tại: Form đổi điểm lấy quà"

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