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Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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Hi mọi người,

Mong mọi người cho mình ý kiến về bài viết dưới đây cũng giờ điểm tham khảo. Cám ơn mọi người nhiều.

Question: Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree?

Answer:               

Many young people take part in a voluntary basic, and this can be beneficial for both individual and society. However, I disagree with an idea forcing all teenagers to do unsalaried works.

Most of students have enough pressure from their studies, and there is a variety of reasons not to put more burden on their shoulder. Firstly, school is just as demanding as a full-time job requiring teenagers make considerable efforts to do mountains of homework, prepare for exam on top of attending class everyday. Secondly, they have a very little free time after hours of intensive study, so their time should be used for relaxing, enjoying with friends, playing sports as well as other leisure activities. Finally, young people have to make use of their valuable time to develop a new vital skill advancing their future career rather than work as a volunteer.

At the same time, obligation of unpaid work can have negative as opposed to positive impacts on society. Forcing a group of people to do something against their will goes against the values of a free and fair society, and also can lead to resentment amongst young people. It runs the risk of damaging student’s perception of volunteering. Furthermore, teenagers will reluctantly perform undesirable works with low effectiveness or even delay on timing.

In my conclusion, instead of obliging teenagers to do unsalaried work, we should make the voluntary activities optional for young people to do during their leisure time.

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Hello bạn, sau đây là ý kiến của mình, nếu có gì cần tranh luận thì cứ reply nhaa!

Many young people take part in a voluntary basic, (mình cảm thấy chỗ này hơi "cấn", ý bạn là voluntary basis? -> on a voluntary basis, nhưng như vậy thì take part in lại không ổn.

and this can be beneficial for both individual and society. However, I (strongly/ firmly) disagree with an the idea of forcing all teenagers to do unsalaried works (for some reasons below).

-> Many young people these days invest their time in doing volunteer work. While I agree that this can bring them certain benefits, I firmly disagree with the idea of ...

Most of students have enough pressure from their studies, and there is a variety of reasons not to put more burden on their shoulder. (mình thấy nghĩa cả câu này hơi lòng vòng, ở vế thứ 2 nên khẳng định luôn là những việc như unpaid works sẽ tạo thêm gánh nặng.) 

-> To begin with, as most students nowadays are likely to be put under a lot of pressure to do well in classes, being required to do unpaid jobs would become an unecessary burden.

Firstly, school is just as demanding as a full-time job requiring teenagers make considerable efforts to do mountains of homework, prepare for exam on top of attending class everyday (câu này bị sai ngữ pháp và tối nghĩa)

Secondly, they have a very little free time after hours of intensive study, so their time should be used for relaxing, enjoying with friends, playing sports as well as other leisure activities.

Finally, young people have to make use of their valuable time to develop a new vital skill advancing their future career rather than work as a volunteer. (ý này hơi yếu, vì đi làm tình nguyện cũng giúp nâng cao nhiều kĩ năng xã hội mà nhỉ @@)

At the same time, obligation of unpaid work can have negative as opposed to positive impacts (?) on society. 

Forcing a group of people to do something against their will goes against the values of a free and fair society, and also can lead -> thereby leading to (possible) resentment amongst young people. It runs the risk of damaging student’s perception of volunteering. Furthermore, teenagers will reluctantly perform undesirable works with low effectiveness or even delay on timing.

Cần thêm một câu để kết luận việc này, ví dụ: If this were the case, the community as well as young indivisuals would not reap any benefits from the scheme of forcing teenagers to do unpaid jobs

In my conclusion, from my point of view, instead of obliging teenagers to do unsalaried work, we should make the voluntary activities optional for young people to do during their leisure time.

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- Some statements are not strong and clear, weak supporting ideas

- Sentences are understandable but not ideal.

- Make basic grammar mistakes, lack of cohensive devices

 

Mong điều này sẽ giúp ích cho bạn ^^

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