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Website Chuawritingmienphi là forum chữa bài miễn phí, được chữa từ chính cộng đồng học IELTS, các bạn hãy cũng nhau chia sẻ kinh nghiệm viết bài, cùng nhau chữa bài, góp ý, chung tay vì một cộng đồng học IELTS phát triển hơn nữa nhé.
Luật của Forum: Thành viên với mỗi góp ý bất kỳ tại forum sẽ nhận được số bài chữa tương ứng từ https://ieltsplanet.info/ khi thành viên đó có một bài viết mới tại forum, bài viết được chấm dựa trên format của British Council - sửa bài bởi các bạn có band Writing 7.5+

Các bạn xem bài chữa mẫu tại "http://bit.ly/baichuaW-demo"
Đối với các bài chữa thiếu nghiêm túc sẽ được kiểm duyệt và BAN tài khoản của học viên đó.

Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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In modern era, since people engage themselves with busy lifestyle, there has been a deficiency in spare time using for entertainment. Whether leisure time should be used for mind-boosting activities or relaxation is a prevalent topic. Pondering this issue, I hold strong interest that sufficient restoration is a more advantageous choice.

Intelligence-stimulating activities engender long-term impacts on people’s nervous system. Taking up brain-fostering hobbies is liable to trigger analyzing and intellectual skills which establish a far more flexible thinking pattern and cognitive skills. For instance, those devoting their free time to playing chess or puzzles hold a more superior and higher academic repertoire than the entire ones. Moreover, many studies have shown that keeping brain actively through reading or playing chess is conducive for preventing brain from losing power and reducing the process of Alzheimer’s disease as well as distracting people from daily tension.

However, proper resting also have a positive influence on people’s productivity. While keeping themselves out of discursive thoughts and heavy burden, people are liable to become less prone to mental diseases such as insomnia, sleep loss and deficiency in restoring energy which are significant contributors to jeopardize both mental and physical health and inevitably deteriorate one’s work efficiency and productivity. Therefore, people had better take more sufficient rest by doing meditation or more proper sleep in order to enhance concentration at work or while studying.

In conclusion, relaxing engenders a higher chance of avoiding detrimental effects of tension and is advantageous to effective productivity. Nevertheless, brain-stimulating hobbies are capable of establishing a more intelligent thinking pattern. Therefore, people should balance between these hobbies and relaxation so as to properly use their free time.
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In modern era, since people engage themselves with busy lifestyle, there has been a deficiency in spare time using [WU1] for entertainment. Whether leisure time should be used for mind-boosting activities or relaxation is a prevalent topic. Pondering this issue, I hold strong interest that sufficient restoration is a more advantageous choice.

 

Intelligence-stimulating activities engender[WU2]  long-term impacts on people’s nervous system. Taking up brain-fostering hobbies is liable to trigger analyzing and intellectual skills which establish a far more flexible thinking pattern and cognitive skills. For instance, those devoting their free time to playing chess or puzzles hold a more superior and higher academic repertoire than the entire ones[WU3] . Moreover, many studies have shown that keeping brain actively[WU4]  through reading or playing chess is conducive for[WU5]  preventing brain from losing power and reducing the process of Alzheimer’s disease as well as distracting[WU6]  people from daily tension.

 

However, proper resting also have a positive influence on [WU7] people’s productivity. While keeping themselves out of discursive thoughts and heavy burden, people are liable to [WU8] become less prone to mental diseases such as insomnia, sleep loss [WU9] and deficiency in restoring energy which are significant contributors to jeopardize [WU10] both mental and physical health and inevitably deteriorate one’s[WU11]  work efficiency and productivity. Therefore, people had better take more sufficient rest by doing meditation or more proper sleep in order to enhance concentration at work or while studying.

 

In conclusion, relaxing engenders[WU12]  a higher chance of avoiding detrimental effects of[WU13]  tension and is advantageous to effective productivity. Nevertheless, brain-stimulating hobbies are capable of establishing a more intelligent thinking pattern. Therefore, people should balance between these hobbies and relaxation so as to properly use[WU14]  their free time.


 [WU1]Grammatical error: used/allocated

 [WU2]exert

 [WU3]quite subtle

 [WU4]keep sth/sb active

 [WU5]to

 [WU6]refraining

 [WU7]lays a foundation on/ offers a great medium in enhancing

 [WU8]there is a growing likelihood that people (have become ) 

 [WU9]sleeplessness/ sleep deprivation

 [WU10]the breeding ground for jeopardizing

 [WU11] individual/personal 

 [WU12]stands (a good chance of doing sth)

 [WU13]arising from/ stemming from

 [WU14]take advantage of/make use of

Có vài chỗ mình chỉ góp ý để nâng band từ vựng và collocation lên thôi ^^ Hy vọng sẽ giúp được bạn 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
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Update: Từ 30/4 Điểm bạn tích lũy được trên CWMP sẽ dùng để đổi quà (vé xem CGV (100 điểm/1 vé, thẻ cào điện thoại 150 điểm/thẻ 50k, khóa học IELTS Online (300 điểm/khóa 3 tháng)
Đăng ký quy đổi điểm tại: Form đổi điểm lấy quà"

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