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Website Chuawritingmienphi là forum chữa bài miễn phí, được chữa từ chính cộng đồng học IELTS, các bạn hãy cũng nhau chia sẻ kinh nghiệm viết bài, cùng nhau chữa bài, góp ý, chung tay vì một cộng đồng học IELTS phát triển hơn nữa nhé.
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Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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In recent times, most people are especially interested in using social networking sites such as Facebook, Instagram, … While I agree that they can pose many potential risks, I believe that they do exert more important benefits on both individuals and society.

   On the one hand, both people’s behavior and the well-being of society are detrimental influenced by access social networking sites. First, many minors and celebrities are easily bullied and harassed by vulgar and hurtful information in Internet. For instance, when their nude photos or scandals are widely spread on it, they can suffer anxiety, depression, and even suicide. Second, users are led to diverge from the real life because of abusing applications of social network too much. They resembling slavish individuals and they entirely believe in virtual world’s information. This make people have vague feeling with reality, scare people around and significantly reduce social cohesion.

   On the other hand, there are many advantages to people when they approach social network regularly. Firstly, this is a beneficial way for them to easily acquire their knowledges and broad their horizons. Thank to it, users can extend opportunities for studying regardless of gender, age or cultural background. They are likely to interact with others on a bigger scale compared with traditionally educational methods that only confine to specific classroom. Secondly, using the tool such as Facebook or Instagram are the best way to communicate with each other. For instance, when children study abroad in countries which far from their house, social network is necessary to get in touch with parents, friends and relatives in a flexible way.

   In conclusion, despite many drawbacks social networking sites have, they also play an important role to individuals and society. No matter what they use social networking tools, if they competent at how to exploit strengths of them, these benefits will be maximized.
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã hỏi trong Opinion bởi (9 điểm)
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2 góp ý

+1 phiếu
Good job, you have handled the topic in a right way. However, you should express your idea more succinctly and avoid some grammatical errors like "they resembling", "detrimental influenced", "by access social networking sites", "if they competent at"

If I may, I could rewrite your ideas in the essay as below:

Nowadays, it is true that social network such as Facebook or Instragram has consumed most of people's time. While I partially agree on the underlying risks posed by this trend, I would contend that both individuals and society could adopt more beneficial uses of social network.

One one hand, people may be detrimentally influenced in various ways via the virtual world. Firstly, people such as celebrities or minors could have their personal information vulgarized like nude photos or scandals. As a result, their well-being in mentality would be so dramatically hurt that they might develop depression and anxiety and commit suicide. Secondly, social network addiction could drive people's behaviours in a way that resembles to slavery. They may entirely believe in the virtual world and could not distinguish which information is not real. Consequently, they are more likely to feel uncertain about their existence and sceptic about the social cohesion comprising of relationships with family, colleagues or friends.

On the other hand, many advantages could be named when using social network properly. Internet has changed the methods whereby peole use to obtain knowledge. They now have extremely convenient tools to study anything they like regardless of ages, genders or geographical distance. Virtual classrooms could even provide them more effectively interpersonal interactions than traditional ones could. More importantly, long range communication between family members or relatives is now possible thanks to Facebook or Instagram. This could help overseas student, for example, reduce their homesickness and tighten their family bonds.

In conclusion, despite many negative consequences of social network, it still plays an important role in people's lives. To maximize the benefits of this advancement, ones should learn how to use it properly like enriching their pool of knowledge or maintaining bonds with their family.

Leon nguyen.
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (6 điểm)
Thank you very much. I hope that my English will be better like you.
0 phiếu

 On the one hand, both people’s behavior and the well-being of society are detrimentalLY influenced by accessING TO social networking sites

 First, many minors ?? and celebrities are easily bullied and harassed by vulgar and hurtful information ON THE INTERNET in Internet

they can suffer  FROM anxiety, depression, and even suicide

Second, users are led to diverge from the real life because of OVERUSING/OVERABUSING applications of social network TOO MUCH

They resembling TENSE? GRAMMAR? slavish individuals and they entirely believe in virtual world’s information. This make people have vague feeling with reality, scare people around and significantly reduce social cohesion.

to easily acquire their knowledge

 ThankS to it, users can extend opportunities for studying regardless of gender, age or cultural background.

 using the tool such as Facebook or Instagram IS  are the best way to communicate with each other. For instance, when children study abroad in countries which far from their house ( FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM ARE NOT THE TOOLS)

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (88 điểm)

Update: Từ 30/4 Điểm bạn tích lũy được trên CWMP sẽ dùng để đổi quà (vé xem CGV (100 điểm/1 vé, thẻ cào điện thoại 150 điểm/thẻ 50k, khóa học IELTS Online (300 điểm/khóa 3 tháng)
Đăng ký quy đổi điểm tại: Form đổi điểm lấy quà"

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