Bài IELTS Task 2-The birth rate in most developed countries in predicted to begin to fall over the next 50 years. By 2030 it is estimated that over one third of the population in most developed countries will be aged 65 and over. What effects will these predictions have on developed countries if they prove true? What can be done now to deal with this situation? - Chữa Writing miễn phí
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Over fifty decades, it is predicted that the rate of birth in most affluent countries will have been diminishing. There is a forecast that the number of elderly population will have peaked one third of the population in these countries. If it is true, then there may be some drawback effects on country’s economies and its labor force. In this essay, I will mention some disadvantages of aged population and address some solutions for this situation.
 
One of the biggest problems is that the countries will probably struggle in finding young labour. In most developed countries, a number of companies said that the young workers are now a rarity; therefore, they have to recruit employees who come from developing countries. Take Japan as an example, according to an official newspaper, if the country continues to have the shortage of young workers in the next ten years, they may employ more than thirty thousand foreigners working in heavy industry. Another effect should be taken in consideration is that the increasing proportion of elderly people also has a major impact on government spending. The more number of senior citizen increases, the more money is spent on health care and welfare. For example, my grandfather, who used to work for a chemical company, is receiving his pension at the moment. He also needs to come to see his physician frequently as he gets older.
 
Governments could certainly make more efforts to encourage parents to have more babies. For example, they should allow pregnant to have long day off after their delivery. The governments should also take responsibility for taking care of the children by covering all their cost of living and tuition fees. Besides, the governments should reduce young unemployment. They may organize workshops and cut down the unemployment benefits. Therefore, the countries may get rid of this problem in a long term.
 
The elderly population would have some downsides effects such thing as worker finding difficulty, pension and welfare expenses. The governments should play a crucial role in solving these problems.
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Hello huynhngocky92, in general, your essay has an organized structure and also strong arguments  provided, with an IELTS exam, this much points are good enough to write about. However, there are just some minor grammatical mistakes that you should fix.

One of the biggest problems is that the countries will probably struggle in finding young labour. In most developed countries, a number of companies said that the young workers are now a in rarity; therefore, they have to recruit employees who come from developing countries. Take Japan as an example, according to an official newspaper, if the country continues to have the shortage of young workers in the next ten years, they may will have to employ more than thirty thousand foreigners working in heavy industry. Another effect should be taken in consideration is that the increasing proportion of elderly people also has a major impact on government spending. The more number of senior citizen increases, the more MONEYimage is spent on health care and welfare. For example, my grandfather, who used to work for a chemical company, is receiving his pension at the moment. He also needs to come to see his physician frequently as he gets older. (what is the point of adding this sentence here? I think you are trying to say that: "grandfather goes to physician, the government has to pay for all this fees so it adds up the burdens of government spending; if that, I suggest adding like: As a result, the government has to pay for...)
Governments could certainly make more efforts to encourage parents to have more babies. For example, they should allow pregnant women to have long days off after their delivery. The governments should also take responsibility (take responsibilty is like for parents, or family members, i suggest using: offer benefits package)for taking care of the children by covering all their cost of living and tuition fees. Besides, the governments should reduce the rate young unemployment. They may organize workshops and cut down the unemployment benefits. (benefits? what benefits from unemployment?)Therefore, the countries may get rid of this problem in a long term.

 

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Thank you andyduong for helping me. However, something are not relevant:
1."Be a rarity" ,i learned from 22000 academic words.
2. I put myself in a developed country like America where its senior citizen can get all healthcare free.
3 unemployment benefits means " trợ cấp thất nghiệp", i checked it on google :)

Anyway, thank you so much !!!
Thanks for such a helpful feedback, I ve learned a lot from it :)

Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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