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Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 từ IELTS Planet - Học IELTS Online.
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé.

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The Internet is a global information system that can be accessed publicly by interconnected computer networks. Nowadays, the Internet plays an important part of human being lives. Some people say that Internet has a lot of advantages. However, others think that it brings many negative points. I strongly believe that Internet and its application do harmer to lives’ humans based on these arguments.

 

On the one hand, No one can deny that Internet brings us great convenience, comfort, and efficiency. The Internet is recognized as the best way to convert the world into small villages. People all over the world can reach each other easily and rapidly only a click. These days, they have many so many social networking services such as Facebook and Twitter.

 

On the other hand, I still argue that the Internet has many downsides badly affect their lives, both physically and emotionally which cause some discomfort to mankind. Violent online games are one of the key factors in causing school violence. It includes violence among school students as well as school staff. In addition, an Internet-addicted person prefers spending his/her time using a computer to taking part in some activities outdoor. It means they have to waste a lot of time and money. Furthermore, according to researchers, there are many health problems relating to Internet abuse. For example, a child who exposures to the Internet early will have eye diseases easily such as short-sighted. When they are old, not only they have to face up to diabetes or bone diseases.

 

In conclusion, everything has two sides. The Internet is still one of the greatest inventions of human beings. Therefore, they should make good use of its benefits.
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[W5] 
On the one hand, No one[W6]  can deny that Internet brings us great convenience, comfort, and efficiency[W7] . The Internet is recognized as the best way to convert the world into small villages.[W8]  People all over the world can reach each other easily and rapidly only a click. These days, they have many so many social networking services such as Facebook and Twitter.
[W9] 
On the other hand[W10] , I still argue that the Internet has many downsides badly affect their lives, both physically and emotionally which cause some discomfort to mankind.[W11]  Violent online games are one of the key factors in causing school violence. It includes violence among school students as well as school staff[W12] . In addition, an Internet-addicted person prefers spending his/her time using a computer to taking part in some activities outdoor. It means they have to waste a lot of time and money[W13] . Furthermore, according[W14]  to researchers, there are many health problems relating to Internet abuse. For example, a child who exposures[W15]  to the Internet early will have eye diseases easily such as short-sighted. When they are old, not only they have to face up to diabetes or bone diseases.
[W16] 
In conclusion, everything has two sides. The Internet is still one of the greatest inventions of human beings. Therefore, they should make good use of its benefits.


[W1]Expression error: This is obvious true,  it is very strange when you mention it here.

[W2]Grammar error: if you use ‘play’  must replace ‘ part’ by ‘role’

[W3]Grammar error:  it is very weird to me, suggested: the lives of human being or just human being

[W4]Expression error: you should strive to paraphase the sentence instead

[W5]Expression error: all sentences in this paragraph has no connection.

[W6]Expression suggestion: it is verbal, we do no use these words in task 1 and 2

[W7]Grammar and Expression errors: betwee two verbs BRING AND DENY, must you ‘ to’. Suggested: The internet brings a lot benefits to people. Firstly, secondly, finally.

[W8]Expression error: it is very weird to me when I read this sentence. Refer to: the Internet connect people around the world. For instance, two individuals live in two different continents which are able to reach out in second unit.

[W9]Expression error: all sentences in this paragraph has no connection, also it is not logical.

[W10]Plus poit: You used one structure in 2 paragraph. It is very way to improve in writing task

[W11]Grammar errors: Have a lot grammar errors, you should review a basic structure of sentence then correct it by yourself.

Expression error: it is not clear in meaning.

[W12]Expression error: I see no link in meaning. It is not to make sense for reader.

[W13]Grammar errors: Have a lot grammar errors, you should review a basic structure of sentence then correct it by yourself.

Expression error: it is not clear in meaning.

Question:  People use Internet or electronic devices in outdoor, you cannot concluse that is waste time.

[W14]Grammar error: two words are adv, can not stay together.

[W15]Grammar error:  you one verb instead for exposure(n), it is not necessary

[W16]Grammar errors: Have a lot grammar errors, you should review a basic structure of sentence then correct it by yourself.

Expression error: it is not clear in meaning, all sentences in this paragraph has no connection, also it is not logical.

 

 

 

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (92 điểm)
The Internet is a global means of information which we can access easily by electronic devices... Nowadays, the Internet plays an important role of human being. Some people say that Internet brings in many great advantages to the youths, the adults as well as to the business man. However, others disagree with it. I strongly believe that Internet and its application do harmer to lives’ humans based on these arguments.

 

On the one hand, it can not be denied that Internet brings to the great convenience, comfort, and efficiency. The Internet connects people around the world. For instance, two individuals live in two different which are able to reach out to the second unit. Furthermore, thanks to the Internet, students have a chance to refer to many kinds of documents. Therefore, their learning result becomes better and better. Moreover, the Internet also assists them in relaxing. After a hard-working day, It is comfortable for them to surf the Internet.
 

On the other hand, I still argue that the Internet has many downsides which badly affect their lives, both physically and emotionally. Violent online games are one of the key factors in causing school violence. The children like to imitate through bully scenes. In addition,  Internet-addicted people prefer spending their time sitting in front of a computer to taking part in some outdoor activities. In other words, they have to waste much time and money. Furthermore,  there are many health problems relating to Internet abuse. For example, a child who is always exposed to the Internet early will get eye diseases easily such as short-sighted. When they are old, not only will they face up to diabetes and bone diseases but they are also shorten their lifespan.
 

In conclusion, everything has two sides and the Internet does too. However, It is still one of the greatest inventions of human beings. Therefore, they should make good use of its benefits.

Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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