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Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

University education is a good choice for students to get good jobs for their better future. But its benefits do not stop at that, it helps the student get the higher levels of the education, towards ethical values to make students be becoming more comprehensive.

The importance of academic education is to improve your level of knowledge and hands-on experiments. It helps you improve your expertise which you choose. Following school curriculums gives you more academic grasps about characteristics of our branch. As much knowledge you know about the job you want to get, as easy you get that job. Market researchers in the United States and other developed countries have shown that postgraduates are able to command a considerable higher salary at the workplace when compared to graduates or simple high school diploma holders.

Many people, however, don’t believe in other benefits that universities could provide such as social skills. Every education system in the world always is based on the two criteria: personal and social competencies. Academic education nurtures students as a whole in their maturity development. Individuals graduating from universities also additionally benefit from the multicultural environments that promote intercultural tolerance and brotherhood. The process of tertiary education also promotes teamwork and collective development amongst individuals.  In my opinion, every job needs the social attitudes in communications, public speaking. Social skills will help you easier in promotion

Overall, the advantages of university education are just not getting better jobs, they are also better in particulars and society.

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4 góp ý

+1 phiếu
 
góp ý hay nhất

University education is a good choice for students to get[W1]  good jobs for their better future. But its benefits do not stop at that, it helps the student get the higher levels of the education, towards ethical values to make students be becoming more comprehensive.[W2]

The importance of academic education is to improve your level of knowledge and hands-on experiments. It helps you improve[W3]  your expertise which you choose. Following [W4] school curriculums gives[W5]  you more academic grasps about characteristics of our branch[W6] . As much knowledge you know about the job you want to get, as easy you get that job. Market researchers in the United States and other developed countries have shown that postgraduates are able to command [W7] a considerable[W8]  higher salary at the workplace when[W9]  compared to graduates or simple high school diploma holders.

(Phần thân bài 1, bạn nói hơi chung, các ý không logic, thiếu liên kết các ý với nhau, suggested form bạn nền theo khi viết:

Sentence 1: Point (Topic sentence)

Sentence 2: Explain

Sentence 3: Extend/Example

Sentence 4: Conclusion

2

Many people, however[W10] , don’t believe in other benefits that universities could provide such as social skills. Every education system in the world always [W11] i[W12] s based on the two criteria criterias: personal and social competencies. Academic education nurtures students as a whole in[W13]  their maturity development. Individuals graduating [W14] from universities also additionally benefit from the multicultural environments that promote intercultural tolerance and brotherhood. The process of tertiary education also promotes teamwork and collective development amongst individuals.  In my opinion, every job needs the social attitudes[W15]  in communications, public speaking. Social skills will help you easier in promotion[W16]

Phần thân bài 2 góp ý tương tự như ở trên nhé.

Overall, the advantages of university education are just not getting better jobs, they are also better in particulars and society.

 


 [W1]You should replace by achieve

 [W2] Should use’” to be’’, formal become + Noun ex become english teacher

 [W3]Avoiding repeat word,  suggested ‘upgrade’

 [W4] Should delete ‘following’

 [W5]Suggested add would

 [W6]I did get what it mean, should revise by author

 [W7]Vocabulary Error ( word use) it is not appropriate, replace by deal

 [W8]Vocabulary error ( word used) higher salary is enough,  delete considerable

 [W9]Grammar error

 [W10]Proposition error, it should write at early of sentence, however, many people..

 [W11]Proposition error, it should write at early of sentence, in the world, every educational system

 [W12] Vocabulary error ( word form) , educational

 [W13]Grammar error ( word form) such as + N, such as a whole their maturity

 [W14]Grammar error ( word form), graduate

 [W15]Vocabulary error (social attitudes, it does not make sense, should rewrite right or positive attitudes

 [W16]Grammar error, rewrite: which are easier in promotion

 

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University education is a good choice for students to get good jobs for their better future. But its benefits do not stop at that, it helps the student get the higher levels of the education, towards ethical values to make students be becoming more comprehensive.

The importance of academic education is to improve your level of knowledge and hands-on experiments. It helps you improve your expertise which you choose. Following school curriculums gives you more academic grasps about characteristics of our branch. As much knowledge you know about the job you want to get,be as easy as you get that job. Market researchers in the United States and other developed countries have shown that postgraduates are able to command a considerable higher salary at the workplace when compared to graduate or simple high school to diploma holders.

However, many people don’t believe in other benefits that universities could provide things which they need to cope suitably with community nowadays such as social skills. Every education system in the world always is based on the two criteria: personal and social competencies. Academic education nurtures students as a whole in their maturity development. Individuals graduating from universities also additionally benefit from the multicultural environments that promote intercultural tolerance and brotherhood. The process of tertiary education also promotes teamwork and collective development amongst individuals.  In my opinion, every job claims people to have constructive attitudes in communications, public speaking. Social skills will help you easier in promotion.

Overall, the advantages of university education are just not getting better jobs, they are also better in particulars and society.

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (7 điểm)
+1 phiếu

chào bạn!

nhìn chung bài viết của bạn có ý tưởng khá tốt và theo đúng trình tự

Tuy nhiên, phần mở đầu hay xuống thân bài bạn nên có câu mở đầu như mình đóng góp bài trên. Và đa số bạn bị lặp từ (get) nên bạn nên sử dụng những từ ngữ đồng nghĩa để tránh lặp từ cũng như là về ngữ pháp.

Bạn chỉ nên dùng 1 ngôi chủ ngữ và không thay đổi. Ví dụ phần mở bài bạn dùng chủ ngữ là people thì phần sau đó bạn nên dữ nguyên  hay thay bằng từ they, human... không nên lúc people lúc you. Đó là những góp ý chân thành của mình và đa số mình theo mạch văn của bạn và ko sửa lỗi nhiều về mạch văn. Tuy nhiên bạn nên có luận đề rõ ràng hơn với mỗi paragraph. Dưới đây là góp ý của mình:

As far as I am concerned ,University education is a good choice for students to get good jobs for their better future. But its benefits do not stop at that, it (this. It) helps the students get the  higher levels of the education, towards ethical values to make students be becoming  more comprehensive.

First and Foremost ,The importance of academic education is to improve your level of knowledge and hands-on experiments(training) . It helps you improve your expertise which you choose. Following school curriculums gives you more academic grasps about characteristics of our branch. As much (the more) knowledge you know about the job you want to get, as easy (the easier)  you get (can accept) that job. Market researchers in the United States and other developed countries have shown that postgraduates are able to  command(require) a considerably  higher salary at the workplace when compared to graduates or (and) simple high school diploma holders.

However ,Many people don’t believe in other benefits that universities could provide such as social skills. Every education system in the world always is (is always) based on the  two criteria: personal and social competencies. Academic education nurtures students as a whole in(well as)  their maturity and development. Individuals graduating from universities also additionally(remers) benefits from the multicultural environments that promotes intercultural tolerance and brotherhood. The process of tertiary education also promotes(enhances) teamwork and collective development amongst individuals.  In my opinion, every job needs the social attitudes in communications, public speaking . Social skills will help you easier in promotion

Overall, the advantages of university education are just not (not only) getting better jobs, but they are also better in particulars and society.

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (20 điểm)
0 phiếu

Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society. 
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

University education is a good choice for students to get good jobs for their better future. But its benefits do not stop at that, it helps the student get the higher levels of the education, towards ethical values to make students be becoming more comprehensive.

The importance of academic education is to improve your level of knowledge and hands-on experiments. It helps you improve your expertise which you choose. Following school curriculums gives you more academic grasps about characteristics of our branch. The more knowledge about your job you know, the easier you get that job. Market researchers in the United States and other developed countries have shown that postgraduates are able to command a considerable higher salary at the workplace when compared to graduates or simple high school diploma holders.

Many people, however, don’t believe in other benefits that universities could provide such as social skills. Every education system in the world is always based on the two criterias: personal and social competencies. Academic education nurtures students as a whole in their maturity development. Individuals graduating from universities also additionally benefit from the multicultural environments that promote intercultural tolerance and brotherhood. The process of tertiary education also promotes teamwork and collective development among individuals.  In my opinion, every job needs the social attitudes in communications, public speaking. Social skills will help you easier in promotion

Overall, the advantages of university education are just not getting better jobs, they are also better in practical society.

 

 

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