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Đây là topic được mở ra hàng tuần trên forums Chữa Writing miễn phí. Trong topic này, các bạn sẽ cùng viết và cùng chữa đề ielts task 2 vừa được thi trong tuần.

Luật của Top:

- Mỗi bạn sẽ post bài viết của mình lên dưới dạng góp ý (+2 point cho mỗi bài viết).
- Các bạn sẽ cùng viết, vote và nhận xét bài lẫn nhau trong Topic này.
- Bài viết nào được vote nhiều nhất sẽ được chọn làm bài viết hay nhất (+4 point).
 

Nếu đây là lần đầu, hoặc lần 2 bạn đến với topic này, vui lòng đọc kỹ hướng dẫn phía dưới.

Hướng dẫn sử dụng trong top Chữa đề IELTS hàng tuần:

Step 1: Click nút  ở cuối topic này để post bài lên. 

Step 2: Đọc qua tất cả các bài đã được post lên 1 lượt, vote  cho bài viết bạn cho là viết hay nhất. (đây là cách chúng ta tìm ra bài viết hay nhất trong tuần :)

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Để hiểu rõ hơn, bạn có thể nghía qua Topic của tuần trước tại đây

Còn đây là task 2 tuần này - 21/08/2014:

During the 20th century, contact between different parts from the world develop rapidly thanks to air travel and telecommunication.
To what extent do you agree that societies benefit from the increased contact and closer relationships with foreigners brought by international tourism and business?

Topic sẽ đóng vào 12h trưa thứ 5 tuần tới.

Chúc các bạn một ngày cuối tuần vui vẻ :)

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã đóng với lý do: date.
đã hỏi trong Chữa Đề IELTS Hàng Tuần bởi (12 điểm)
đã đóng bởi
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7 góp ý

+2 phiếu

 

Nowadays, connecting with other areas is really quickly and convenient with helping by technology. I strongly argue that societies benefits being grown up better relationships with foreigners by tourism and business .

Last inventions play an important role for human’s life, including air travel and telecommunication . First of all, telecommunication helps connecting between people who live in different areas is very quick. Anyone can speak their relatives by phone and operations of networking in computer. For instance, they are able to chat and phone to say together although that people live on two places. Secondly, air travel is really great inventions which has most advantages in movement. Majority people usually choose air plane to go for long distance, especially politicians . Ministers move to other countries by aircraft because airplane is the best mean of transportation .

 On the one hand, sciences is attaining significantly, which have made to change life better . Therefore, relationships among countries is becoming more closely. So, having many opportunities to develop economy, including exported-imported goods and traveling. Around the world , there are many congress have plans about increasing bussiness and improved contact. Typical example, Obama who is USA’s president often visits others to rise connection between two countries. Moreover, societies benefits from good contact with other region is brought many advantages ,such as international tourism. Having more tourists come and local people receive a lot of money from travelling. Income is increased and economy grow up apparently . Therefore, that location will develop  business. It is influence not only developing economy but also improving imagination of one country for remained areas around the world .  One region is beautiful to visit, having most residents who are hospitable and there is no crime  will attract many traveler to go.

To sum up, I am convinced that connecting with other regions is easier and descreasing time-wasting by helping the technologies. Therefore, that tools do increasedly contact and closer relationships to another to advance economy.

Rating: 1.20
đã góp ý bởi (9 điểm)
You should pay more attention to your grammar. You've got the good main points and supporting ideas, however, trying to reduce the unnecessary parts of sentence or even some superfluous sentences. The coherence is good. Well done!
bài viết của bạn rất hay , mình chỉ xin góp 1 ý nhỏ: cấu trúc ngữ pháp của bạn thiếu cách dùng của câu điều kiện(If) + chưa sử dụng được emphatic sentences
+5 phiếu
Mọi người góp ý giúp mình nhé :)
 
Admittedly, the world is becoming smaller due to the advance of transportation and technology, typically in air transportation and telecommunication, that enhance the quality of tourism and business. In my opinion, i strongly agree that the world has been generally achieving positive effects from this development. 
 
Air travel is not unfamiliar for almost people in the globe and it is playing an important role in the development of tourism. Indeed, people have never been simpler to visit other countries by aircrafts, which transport quickly and comfortably. Moreover, airliners are tending to be images of their countries, Vietnam Airlines or Singapore Airlines for examples, taking a responsibility to disseminate their host countries' traditional culture and values while serving passengers on board. As a result, tourism is believed to highly develop. 
 
Another factor, technology, is considered to be a integral part and has contributed remarkably to the society by far , especially in the ways people communicating. First of all, friends and new relationships are promoted by various types of communication, even in different countries located globally. Social networks and some software have been strengthening their effects in communication. Secondly, international commerce is facilitated by technology despite the distances between countries or distinct nationalities. In fact, a great deal of transactions have been conducted online by e-mail, or international retailer websites such as Ebay or Amazon. Undoubtedly, the world business is on its way to integration by the advance in technology.
 
In conclusion, i am confident to say that people are closer to one another and not only tourism but also international trade is increasingly developing markedly because of the innovation of technology and transportation.    
Rating: 3.30
đã góp ý bởi (34 điểm)
this essay use too much private contructs , bạn bên dùng ngôi thứ ba số ít để thay thế cho những cấu trúc câu mang ý cá nhân như "i am confident to say that people are closer....."
bạn chưa dùng được cấu trúc EMPHATIC SENTENCES (rất quan trọng cho 1 bài essay IELTS)
bên cạnh đó , bài viết của bạn sử dụng 1 số từ nối đúng chỗ , bài viết cân đối hợp lí , ngữ pháp nói chung ổn,
Thank ban david
Việc sử dụng ngôi thứ nhất mình cũng đã tham khảo nhiều, đặc biệt tài liệu của thầy Simon thường xuyên dùng ngôi thứ nhất để trả lời cho câu hỏi do you agree .
Về emphatic sentences mình chưa có kiến thức nhiều, mình sẽ tìm hiểu và cải thiện :) cảm ơn bạn nhiều nha
1. bạn nên viết hoa từ I
2. images nên thay bằng symbol
3. taking a responsibility => take responsibility
4. hình như ko có the society
5. especially in the way people communicating??? => communicate
+2 phiếu
With the help of air transport and telecommunication, the connections between different countries have been flourishing over the last 100 years. To a certain extent I agree that these societies may benefit greatly by using air transport and electronic communication. However, I also think that there are a couple of drawback effects on the communities.

It is believed that one of the biggest advantages is that indigenous people would be offered well-paid jobs. When the number of foreign tourist increases, tourism may attract investment from multi-national companies. These can create employment in services with high salary. When it comes to education, there is no dubious that students, nowadays, would study academic courses, which are provided by an international institution by using computer. Take a friend of mine as an example, she had attended a class teaching via the internet; and then she was awarded a Bachelor degree of marketing issued by an British university

However, having said that, airplane and telecommunication still have some negative effects on societies such as infectious diseases and business competition. If foreign passengers catch a communicable disease, communities will be endangered. For example, recently, ebola is a deadly infectious disease that has killed hundreds of people around the world. Governments now have more concerns about medication and economy. Particularly, domestic businesses now have to compete with multinational companies, which have a strong financial resource.

To conclusion, although global tourism and modern communication device would bring unwilling effects on society, I think the benefit of travelling by airplane and adopting modern devices in communication would overweigh their disadvantages in some ways.
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (20 điểm)
You just indicated one advantage of air travel, that is the development of the international tourism. So, what about that of telecommunication? Why don't you manifest some more advantages? In your conclusional part, you said "the benefit of travelling by airplane and adopting modern devices in communication would overweigh their disadvantages in some ways", then if a few positive effects were added, your opinion will be more strongly supported. I really admire your diverse vocabulary.
Thank you Siiiii,
I did mention one of the advantages of telecommunication that is "study academic courses by using computer and internet" but after reading your comment i think my bullet point was not clear enough. I have written this essay in 40 minutes like a normal ielts exam thereby i didn't have time to add more supporting ideas.

Sincerely
+1 phiếu
The notion that air travel and telecommunication make the Earth to become a global village is a controversial proposition. International trade and tourism are to be welcomed, albeit with reservations, as these services bring invaluable benefits to individuals and to societies, despite the reality that they may harm some minorities.

It is of tremendous importance to understand that globalization bring enormous opportunities for both developed countries and underdeveloped ones. The reality of this situation is that each nation could earn large revenues by focusing its strength to produce some typical products and to export worldwide. A prominent example of this policy is Vietnam, which applied a “Opening policy” within 20 years and has become a middle-income nation from a poor country. Furthermore, people have chance to buy and use state-of-the-art product from other countries.  

It must also be recognized that international tourism permits individuals to widen their knowledge. Since long time ago, travelling and discovering other lands are dreams of almost people and now, air travel make these dreams to be true. These conditions explain why there is a trend that some people consider the number of countries they visited rather than the sum of money they have in a bank. Thanks to the development of tourism, local people may understand better and accept easier other customs.   

There is, however another aspect of this question, namely, that these phenomena may also bring some unexpected drawbacks to some societies, especially developing ones. As is widely known, the death of local movies industries, the disappearance of some minority languages and the invasions of fast-food chains are typical disadvantages. It is for that reason there are some calls from conservatives to protect their nations and their culture.
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (18 điểm)
+2 phiếu
Các bạn góp ý giúp mình nha, góp ý để cùng nhau tiến bộ nha :)

In recent years, the development of technology create the reduction of the gap between other countries. Some people believe that society and people relationship will be beneficial from this trend. Personally, I agree with this argument to some extent.

On the one hand, it is impossible to deny the worldwide expansion of Western and Eastern cultures. Firstly, many international companies expand their market to other regions so people can enjoy goods and services with high quality and competitive prices. Moreover, it leads to not only the reduction of the unemployment rate but also the crime rate of young people as well. Secondly, people tend to be widen their mind with culture exchange. Therefore, they can avoid culture shock when immigrate at other countries. For example, in some Western countries, pets are considered as a friends or family member like dogs, but in Vietnam, people consider them as a tool for keeping house or even kill them for a favorable meal.

On the other hand, the effect has had on culture is immense and diverse. It has influenced people’s cultural behavior in different ways. Specifically, in Vietnam, not only young people are at risk of ignoring traditional cultural values but some traditional cultural values have not been preserved and even traded for profits while spiritual values have deformed. For example, many young people tend to discard or neglect their native language and dress as they attempt to copy the icon of mass-market entertainment and fashion like Korean style or European style.

In conclusion, I believe that this change has both positive and negative influences on ideology and culture but the positive points are outweigh the negative effects. Also, I think that good or bad impacts depend on the way we absorb new values of the world culture.In recent years, the development of technology create the reduction of the gap between other countries. Some people believe that society and people relationship will be beneficial from this trend. Personally, I agree with this argument to some extent.

On the one hand, it is impossible to deny the worldwide expansion of Western and Eastern cultures. Firstly, many international companies expand their market to other regions so people can enjoy goods and services with high quality and competitive prices. Moreover, it leads to not only the reduction of the unemployment rate but also the crime rate of young people as well. Secondly, people tend to be widen their mind with culture exchange. Therefore, they can avoid culture shock when immigrate at other countries. For example, in some Western countries, pets are considered as a friends or family member like dogs, but in Vietnam, people consider them as a tool for keeping house or even kill them for a favorable meal.

On the other hand, the effect has had on culture is immense and diverse. It has influenced people’s cultural behavior in different ways. Specifically, in Vietnam, not only young people are at risk of ignoring traditional cultural values but some traditional cultural values have not been preserved and even traded for profits while spiritual values have deformed. For example, many young people tend to discard or neglect their native language and dress as they attempt to copy the icon of mass-market entertainment and fashion like Korean style or European style.

In conclusion, I believe that this change has both positive and negative influences on ideology and culture but the positive points are outweigh the negative effects. Also, I think that good or bad impacts depend on the way we absorb new values of the world culture.
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (25 điểm)
+1 phiếu

At the turn of twentieth century, development of aviation and telecommunication has resulted in international connection becoming more convenient and hence developing human community. From my point of view, this statement achieves a reasonable level of accuracy.

On the one hand, aeroplanes have made travelling between different countries as straightforward as never before. Travellers, thus, have a chance to experience various culture and different lifestyle. They can become learners of tradition which contains a handful of valuable accumulation. Some medical plants are suitable to particular climatic lands. Such kinds of species should be brought to other countries so that they can grow in the best way. Moreover, embracing cultural features might help develop the world in terms of many aspects. Remote areas, for instance, will continue to gain no access to modern world as long as discoverers do not venture into such regions. Consequently, international contact is beneficial to humanity.

In contrast, loss of native tradition and intrusion of offenders perform as two drawbacks of global business. Firstly, approval of many different cultures into host countries would be disadvantageous. Their citizens will have to solve several of difficulties when contacting people from other nations. In fact, some indigenous culture, specifically some holidays or anniversaries, have been replaced by incoming items. In addition, some culprits will exploit the connection between countries in order to escape from their prisons and move to other regions. Correspondingly, their arrivals might do more harm to the destinations. These disadvantages need consideration of not only governments but also local inhabitants.

In conclusion, apart from negative effects, these kinds of international business outweigh other ways of communications in society respects. 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (23 điểm)
0 phiếu

Hi, everyone. Hopefully, my response to this task will receive some advice. I spent almost one day finishing it !!! To me, the task is pretty tricky.

Since the first-time introduction of air travel and telecommunication, they have induced radical and massive change to the trend of globalization and internationalization. There is no doubt that the closer links between one nation and others are giving rise to widely-acknowledged benefits. Besides, also, I agree that there are several drawbacks.
 
It is universally accepted that nations are coming closer to each other in comparison with our former generation on the subject of both cultural and social geography. Firstly, tourism industry which has been an important business in recent years is yielding yearly huge income, helping to boost the local economy. Additionally, closer relationships also open our minds and broaden our horizons. For example, cultural exchanges may lead us to an achievement of experience about the lives in distant geographically places, even remote and isolated zones. Owing to this, in fact, many deprived countries in Africa have been provided with foods and medicine in global aiding and caring programs.
 
Apart from the advantages mentioned, however, several drawbacks can be addressed. A prime example is that the criminal rate using the means of telecommunication and air travel has been on the rise. Criminals are taking advantage of these ways to collude with each other to commit serious crimes such as trafficking of drugs and rhinoceros horns, etc. Another disadvantage is that epidemic diseases are likely to be spread globally widely across many areas and many nations. Take the recently-appearing disease as an example, Ebola, which has been a panic to anyone is sowing contamination risks. Hence, customs security has been increasingly tightened.
 
In conclusion, despite the unfavorable situations above, I think benefits of closer relationship outweigh drawbacks because we are living in a human society, an advanced one, and therefore, multilateral relationships are unavoidable and indispensable. 
 

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (13 điểm)
hi , following me you should not repeat topic sentence "air travel and telecommunication"  , let have another phares the same meaning
stop using pravate word ,for instance " I"
Thanks a lot. In the second comment, what do you mean by pravate word?

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