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Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 từ IELTS Planet - Học IELTS Online.
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In contemporary life, protection animals is becoming a debate among individuals. It is reported that protecting wild animals and birds achieves a huge range of attention as well as social resources. From my perspective, i completely agree with this idea by some convincing reasons.

I argue that there are two many reasons to explain why individuals usually have focused on protection in wild animals and birds. First of all, numerous non-government organizations have been established with protection purpose. However, they have propensity to spend too much time for animal-related activities. Consider, for instance, diverse articles about animals are more likely to be shared rapidly in social network like facebook. To illustrate, only when tigers are caught by unscrupulous hunters, can this news be seen to become unnecessary indignation among readers which is considered unnecessary due to its insufficient severity

In addition, not only do people pay attention but they also devote too much resources in bid to defend wild birds. In fact, every years, governments and non-government organizations have to pay a great deal of budget on researching gene sources. Besides, massive infrastructures are invested in order to improve living conditions for animals which can be seen as waste of money. As consequence, this improvement should result in financial burden for the governments. Therefore, the governments are less likely to accommondate the other social issues.

In conclusion, it seems to me that animals attract too much concern. By some fore-mentioned reasons, government and  individuals should consider their activities for protecting animals.

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In contemporary life, protection animals is becoming a global debate among individuals. It is reported that protecting wild animals and birds achieves a huge range of attention as well as social resources. From my perspective, i completely agree with this idea by some convincing reasons. 

I argue that / It is clear that there are two many / main reasons to explain why individuals usually have focused on protection in wild animals and birds. First of all, numerous non-government organizations have been established with protection purpose. / we can see that there is a dramatical increase of the amount of non-goverment organizations established. However, they have propensity / effective trends to spend too much (too much thường mang tính negative) time for animal-related activities. Consider, for instance, diverse articles about animals are more likely to be shared rapidly in social network like facebook. To illustrate, only when tigers are caught by unscrupulous hunters, can this news be seen to become unnecessary indignation among readers which is considered unnecessary due to its insufficient severity 


In addition, not only do people pay attention but they also devote too much resources in bid to defend / protect wild birds. In fact, every years, governments and non-government organizations have to pay a great deal of budget on / for researching gene sources. Besides that, massive infrastructures are invested in order to improve living conditions for animals which can be seen as waste of money. As consequence, this improvement should result in financial burden for the governments. Therefore, the governments are less likely to accommondate the other social issues. 

In conclusion, it seems to me that animals attract too much concern. By some fore-mentioned reasons, government and  individuals should consider their activities for protecting animals.

Đoạn 1 viết khá tốt, đoạn 2 thì ý nó cứ lủng củng và không rõ ràng làm người đọc có thể bị rối. Ngoài ra bài viết cần bổ sung thêm lượng từ vựng và các cấu trúc câu để chất lượng bài viết tốt hơn

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Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)
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