Your grammatical range and accuracy are really good, I think. Your responses to the question are clear and persuasive. Also, your competence in using transition words makes the essay coherent and cohesive. Especially, I highly appreciate your large lexical resource
However, I think where possible we should use a simple word rather than a complex one. Simpler words are easier to read and they let your readers focus on your idea. Such as 'witnessed' in line 1 (saw would be better), 'desire' in line 4 ( want or wish would be better), 'maintain' in line 13 ( keep up would be better), 'obtain' in line 9 (get would be better)
Line 5 : extremely. 'High' usually goes with 'tremendously', 'real' (you should check the Oxford collocation dictionary)
Line 11 : parent's => parents'
Line 14 : almost => it doesn't seem to fit this context. You should use 'most'