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Bài writing task 1 dạng line graph, mình mới luyện viết, mong mọi người góp ý và đánh giá bài viết của mình

The graph below shows the average number of UK commuters travelling each day by car, bus or train between 1970 and 2030.

image

 

The line graph compares the number of people who driving to work by three different traffic means in the UK over the course 60 years from 1970 to 2030

It is clear that the quantity of people who commute by car and train increase significantly over the period shown, while bus users decrease gradually. It is particularly noticeable that car is the most popular means of transport in British

In the year 1970, the number of people who used car was highest at around 5 million, compared with the quantity of people who traveled bus and train, with about 4 million and 2 million respectively. Over the following 10 years, the figure of three various means remained steady

The period from 1980 to 2030 witnesse a considerable growth in the number of car and train commuters, with almost 9 million and 5 million respectively in 2030. In contrast, the figure of bus users fall slightly to nearly 3 million in 2030.

(161 words, by Long đẹp trai)

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã hỏi 27 Tháng 5, 2017 trong Trend (line) bởi ks.nguyenhoanglong (55 điểm)
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1 góp ý

+1 phiếu
 
góp ý hay nhất
I think that you should use "forecasting language" for this task because the year 2030 is the future. Moreover, I think that the overview should be the opening idea for the rest paragraph. In other words, the 2 body paragrahphs should support every idea of the overview. Below is my answer for this task: (this is just my idea, if it is not helpful, you can skip it).

"The line graph illustrates the number of people who go for work by three different traffic means in the UK over the course 40 years from 1970 to 2010, and the expectation up to 2030.

It is clear that cars were the most favorable mean and the number of people using cars significantly increase over time. Moreover, the number of commuters going to work by bus gradually decrease, while the number of transporters going to work by train dramatically rise in surveyed period.

The number of commuters using cars remained stable at about 5 millions in the first 10 years from 1970 to 1980, following by an exponential growth after 20 years, and then level off at approximately 7millions in 2010. It is estimated that this figure will dramatically increase to nearly 9millions in 2030.

The quantity of people who used bus as a mean to go for work gradually decrease from 4millions in 1970 to 3.5millions in 2010, while this period experienced a soaring rise in the number of people using trains, with 2millions in 1970 and 3millions in 2010 respectively. Consequently, it is projected that trains will overtook buses and set to be a second most used mean in 2030, with 5millions, compared to 3millions using bus."
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý 28 Tháng 5, 2017 bởi quynp (12 điểm)
được bầu chọn là bài viết hay nhất 28 Tháng 5, 2017 bởi ks.nguyenhoanglong

thank for your comment.

Your essay is very good, but I think that "X millions" --> "X million" (correct)


Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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