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Playing sport should be encouraged among teenagers.

Can say, playing sport can bring to many benefits. Hence, playing sport should be encouraged among teenagers.

First of all, playing sport help us improves health. You will be more active and heathier by playing sport. It increase your resistance.When we play sport, it can helps us reduce the possibilities of being ill. Moreover, it also better us heart and makes blood flow more evenly.

In addition, it can to reduce stress.Many people choose playing sport  like a way to cut down stress because we always feel better after play it. Playing sport make you forget about everything, we only pay attention to the game so we can  reduce the worries about life and work as well as forget boredom and unhappiness. It make teenagers relaxed and comfortable after a long school day.

Beside, playing sport help us develops soft skill. For example, if we play volleyball, it will help us develop working group, the ability to react quickly and build relationship...  It helps a lot for development of teenagers.

Summary, There are many sports which we can play easily. Therefore, teenagers should playing sport instead spend a lot of time sitting in front of computers, mobile phone and television. 

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Can say (?), playing sport(s) can bring to many benefits. Hence, playing sport should be encouraged among teenagers. => introduction chưa tốt lắm nha bạn

- bring (v) sth

- playing sport: singular noun nha bạn

First of all, playing sport helps us improves health.(help s.o do s.th). (Có thể dùng thêm linking words như "so" chẳng hạn để nói hai câu), so You will be more active and heathier by playing sport. It increase your resistance.(câu này không phù hợp vì quá ngắn nên explain ot details một chút) When we play sport, it can helps us reduce the possibilities of being ill ( dùng prevent s.o from (doing) s.th sẽ hay hơn). Moreover, it is also better for us our heart and makes our blood flow more evenly.

=> ý còn rời rạc, dàn trải, bạn nên tập trung vào main points và develop chúng ra sẽ hay hơn)

In addition, it can to reduce stress. (can + V(bare)). Many people choose playing sports take up a sport (chẳng hạn, sẽ hay hơn) like a/the way to cut down stress because(=due to the fact that) we always feel better after playing it. Playing sport makes you forget about everything, we only (just sẽ tốt hơn nha bạn) pay attention to (=take interest in) the (article này dùng đúng chưa)game so we can in order to (do sth)/with the view to (doing sth) reduce the worries as well as forget boredom and unhappiness  in life. It makes teenagers feel relaxed and comfortable after a long school day. (make s.o do sth)

(còn make so adj thường không hay cho lắm nha bạn)

=> ý rời rạc, không có ý chính cụ thể.

Beside, playing sport helps us develops (our) soft skills. For example, if we play volleyball, it will help us develop working group(s) (=team works) (solidarity:tinh thần đoàn kết) (physicals: thể chất), the ability to react quickly and build new relationships or make lots of new friends....(câu này chưa hoà hợp về cấu trúc song song nha bạn, develop + noun/noun phrase thì phả vậy hết luôn)  It helps a lot for the development of teenagers. (phát triển về cái gì mới được bạn)

In summary, there are many sports which we can choose to play easily. Therefore, teenagers should playing sport instead of spending a lot of time sitting in front of computers, mobile phones and televisions. (bạn đang nói chung chung thì phải dùng plural noun đề viết)

mình cũng không giỏi giang gì cho lắm. mog bạn không chê

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (14 điểm)
0 phiếu

Playing sport should be encouraged among teenagers.

Can say,  playing sport can bring to many benefits. Hence, playing sport should be encouraged among teenagers.=> sẽ hay hơn nếu bạn nói " As we all know, / it is undeniable that doing sports"

First of all, playing sport    (mình nghĩa bạn nên đa dạng từ này ví dụ: doing exercises or exercising ) helps us improves  your health. You will be more active and heathier by playing sport. It increases your resistance.When we( bạn thay đổi đại từ nhân xưng từ you sang WE khiến đoạn văn thiếu liên kết và logic) play sport, it can help us reduce the possibilities of being ill. Moreover, it is also better for our heart and makes blood flow more evenly.t thấy đoạn này sao sao ý. :)

In addition, it can to reduce stress => chúng ta có thể viết "you can control and reduce your stress thanks to daily exercises .Many people choose playing sport  like a way mình nghĩ là viết thế này ổn hơn " ...consider taking up a certain sport as a way to cut down stress because we always feel better after playing it. Playing sport makes you forget about everything, we only pay attention to the game so we can  reduce the worries about life and work as well as forget boredom and unhappiness. It maketeenagers relaxed and comfortable after a long school day.

Beside, playing sport help us develop soft skill. For example, if we play volleyball, it will help us develop working group, the ability to react quickly and build relationship...  It helps a lot for development of teenagers.

 

Summary, There are many sports which we can play easily. Therefore, teenagers should playing sport instead spending a lot of time on sitting in front of computers, mobile phone and television.

theo mình bạn sai nhiều lỗi ngữ pháp cơ bản như thêm -s hay -ing, bài essay bị đuối ở những đoạn sau.  đây là ý kiến cá nhân mình. 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (7 điểm)
0 phiếu

Can say, playing(s) sport can bring to many benefits. Hence, playing sport (s) should be encouraged among teenagers.

First of all, playing sport(s) help(s) us improves health. You will be more active and heathier by playing sport. It increase(s) your resistance.When we play sport, it can helps us reduce the possibilities of being ill. Moreover, it (is) also better (for) us  -> ?(our) heart and makes blood flow more evenly.

In addition, it can to reduce stress.Many people (choose playing sport  like a way) (nên là “consider  taking a sport”)  to cut down ->(“cut down on” or “alleviate”,”eleminate”,…) stress because we always feel better after                        play(ing) it. Playing sport(s) make(s) you forget about everything, we (only) ->(nên dùng “just) pay attention to the game(s) so we can -> (dùng “can” quá nhiều, nên thay thế bằng “be able to” sẽ hay hơn) reduce the worries about life and work as well as forget (about (1)) boredom and unhappiness. It make teenagers relaxed and comfortable after a long school day  (nên dùng “it make teenagers feel much more relaxed and comfortable after a long school day”).

Beside(s)(2), playing sport(s) help us develops soft skill. For example, if we play volleyball, it will help us develop working group  -> (teamwork skills), the ability to react quickly and build relationship...  ->(không dùng “…” , thay vào đó : etc,so on.)  It helps a lot(s) for development of teenagers.

Summary, There are many sports which we can play easily (?). Therefore, teenagers should playing sport(s) instead spend (instead of spending ) a lot of time sitting in front of computers, mobile phone(s) and television(s).(Cần có sự đồng nhất) 

(1)   :Forget  about: to put someone or something out of one's mind

(2)   : Beside is a preposition that means nearby; at the side of.

       Besides is an adverb and a preposition and means in addition toas well.

Nhìn chung bài writing có ý nhưng  còn lan man chưa develop được nội dung main. Còn sai lỗi chính tả và cấu trúc nhiều, cần luyện tập nhiều hơn. 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (7 điểm)

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