IELTS 2 Bài non tay mong mọi người giúp đỡ mình xin cảm ơn
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These days, some famous people are known for their their glamour  rather than their attainments. In my opinion, some celebrities have pernicious influence on young generation, however, the others act as positive role models.

To begin with, many people become stars of popular television series and magazines without putting any effort into their work. They may have been in a affluent family or been involved in public scandals on TV programs or in gossip magazines. Take Paris Hilton as a typical example. She is rich and famous for the wrong reasons. She apprears in luxurious parties and nightclubs. Besides, her behaviour promotes the idea that attractive appearance, glamour lifestyle and media profile are more necessary than hard work and good character. The message to young people is that it is easy to achieve accomplishments and knowledge is useless.

On the other hand, there are many well-known people whose achievements make them good examples to youngsters. These famous idols attain success during the process of working hard and developing essential skills and abilities. Young adults will be inspired by their great effort, determination, passion and ambition, which is the key factors to make desires come true. A good example is Steven Job, who is considered to be the father of Apple branch. His attempt, application and perseverance are always priceless lessons for children to follow.

All in all, parents and schools should help teenagers equip enough knowledge and skills to chose an idol as a source of inspiration. This method enables children to develop themselves in the best way.
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I like the way you use synomym, similar structures to paraphrase ideas. :)))
Few grammatical mistakes are found 
 
These days, some famous people are known for their their glamour  rather than their attainments. In my opinion, some celebrities have pernicious influence on young generation, however, the others act as positive role models.

To begin with, many people become stars of popular television series and magazines without putting any effort into their work. They may have been in a affluent family or been involved in public scandals on TV programs or in gossip magazines. Take Paris Hilton as a typical example. She is rich and famous for the wrong reasons. She apprears in luxurious parties and nightclubs. Besides, her behaviour promotes the idea that attractive appearance, glamour lifestyle and media profile are more necessary than hard work and good character. The message to young people is that it is easy to achieve accomplishments and knowledge is useless.

On the other hand, there are many well-known people whose achievements make them good examples to youngsters. These famous idols attain success during the process of working hard and developing essential skills and abilities. Young adults will be inspired by their great effort, determination, passion and ambition, which is  (are) the key factors to make desires come true. A good example is Steven Job, who is considered to be the father of Apple branch ( brand). His attempt, application and perseverance are always priceless lessons for children to follow.

All in all, parents and schools should help teenagers equip enough knowledge and skills to chose an idol as a source of inspiration. This method enables children to develop themselves in the best way.
 
 

 

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