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Writing Task 2

Topic: In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society?

Population growth has been one of the most serious problems we are facing nowadays. There are many causes contributing to this but some says the increase in life expectance age is the main cause to this. However, I think there are both positive and negative sides in the growth of the retired population.

The increase of elderly people benefits historical researchers as some elders might have lived or fought in famous and tragically wars like the World Was II. These researches are then educated to younger people making the country more well-cultured.

Another benefit is when there is an increase in older people in a country; the country tends to rise their average retirement age. Countries like England or Japan did this so more people go to work and pay taxes. This also results in more efficiency in some companies as there are more experienced managers.

In addition, the increase of older people also contributes to the increase of a country’s population. This means there might not be enough space for housing and causes over-crowned cities. However, this could be a benefit as the government might give grants and supports like lowering taxes to house-providing constructions and attracts foreign investments. This may support the economy and makes the country more competitive.

However, after retirement, people no longer need to pay income taxes as they are no longer working. This results in lower tax for the government to support national facilities such as schools or hospitals and may cause problems such as poor services. Fewer people working might also result in lower efficiency some jobs that require large number of young workforce such as in factories or constructions.

There are both advantages and disadvantages to the increase of older people in a country. I think this trend could cause negative impacts however, the government needs to come up with solutions which help benefits from this problem.
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I think your essay is quite good with a lot of ideas and some academic words. but I finds some mistakes you need to take notice of:

- You should not use "this" to refer to a nouns or clauses because the word "this" can make readers confused.

- life expectancy not life expectance age.

- "retired population" cannot replace for "older people".

- You should not use "increase" a lot. You can replace it by "growth","development","rise","expansion",etc.
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (28 điểm)
What score do you think I 'll get from this essay? and what can I improve?


Thank you so much!

I am not very good at writing, so I am not sure about the score you'll get. Maybe 5.5 or 6.0.

Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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