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Topic : nowadays young people are admiring media and sport stars, even though they donot often set a goood example. do you think this is possitive or negative development. 

nowadays, more and more the media and spoet stars ared concerned about they are admired by youth, but they have not enough quality for the young to imitate. However, whether that issue fluence positive or negative way to development.

first, there is no doubt that media or sport stars have some their's successful career, therefore young people make the most of stars's advatages to study. If the stars is not perfectly persons, this will not involve any their intelegent skill. So everyone can admire ir improve skill from stars, such as singing ,bassketball skill and so on.

moreover, the most youth focus how to their stars work, play sport and not care deeply indivial life of their stars. For example, Lebron James is well-know basketball player, his fans just follow when he is playing and practing basketball and still admire him eventhough a lot of scandals related to him. And so his scandals do not effect to society.

It is also true that media or sport stars do not often set a good example, it impact on the young people. There are, of course, Vietnamese students are being fluenced and spending money on fashionable Kpop stars, it not suitable for Vietnamese style. But, forturnately these people are few.

In conclusion, the young people admire any stars, it not bad effects to social development, Meanwhile ,we should not ignore the stars's negative effects.

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3 góp ý

+1 phiếu

Hi,

1/ First thing first, you need to bear in mind where to use capical letters. I know it's harder when you type but don't make it a habit it could significantly decrease your score. 

2/ Please revise the use of singular&flural as well as do more Spelling & vocabulary & sentence building exercises. 

3/ Below are several mistakes that you made and my comments

whether that issue .... development : this sentence is incomplete 

must state your point of view in the introduction

Repeatedly use of media & sport stars: could use public celebrities/public figures/famous people

perfectly persons: perfect person or perfect people, not persons

individual life / their intelligence/ detrimental effects/ a well-known basketball player/ 

nowadays, more and more the media and spoet stars ared concerned about they are admired by youth, but they have not enough quality for the young to imitate. However, whether that issue fluence positive or negative way to development.

first, there is no doubt that media or sport stars have some their's successful career, therefore young people make the most of stars's advatages to study. If the stars is not perfectly persons, this will not involve any their intelegent skill. So everyone can admire ir improve skill from stars, such as singing ,bassketball skill and so on.

moreover, the most youth focus how to their stars work, play sport and not care deeply indivial life of their stars. For example, Lebron James is well-know basketball player, his fans just follow when he is playing and practing basketball and still admire him eventhough a lot of scandals related to him. And so his scandals do not effect to society.

It is also true that media or sport stars do not often set a good example, it impact on the young people. There are, of course, Vietnamese students are being fluenced and spending money on fashionable Kpop stars, it not suitable for Vietnamese style. But, forturnately these people are few.

In conclusion, the young people admire any stars, it not bad effects to social development, Meanwhile ,we should not ignore the stars's negative effects.

nowadays, more and more the media and spoet stars ared concerned about they are admired by youth, but they have not enough quality for the young to imitate. However, whether that issue fluence positive or negative way to development.

first, there is no doubt that media or sport stars have some their's successful career, therefore young people make the most of stars's advatages to study. If the stars is not perfectly persons, this will not involve any their intelegent skill. So everyone can admire ir improve skill from stars, such as singing ,bassketball skill and so on.

moreover, the most youth focus how to their stars work, play sport and not care deeply indivial life of their stars. For example, Lebron James is well-know basketball player, his fans just follow when he is playing and practing basketball and still admire him eventhough a lot of scandals related to him. And so his scandals do not effect to society.

It is also true that media or sport stars do not often set a good example, it impact on the young people. There are, of course, Vietnamese students are being fluenced and spending money on fashionable Kpop stars, it not suitable for Vietnamese style. But, forturnately these people are few.

In conclusion, the young people admire any stars, it not bad effects to social development, Meanwhile ,we should not ignore the stars's negative effects.

hope this helps :)

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (14 điểm)
cảm ơn bạn rât nhiều  mình sẽ rút kinh nghiệm
0 phiếu

nowadays, more and more ( bạn nên hạn chế dùng “nowadays” và “more  and more”) the media and spoet stars ared concerned about they are admired by youth, but they have not enough quality for the young to imitate. However, whether that issue fluences positive or negative ways to development of the young.

First (firstly), (ở đây chưa có câu topic cho đoạn) there is no doubt that media or sport stars have some their's successful career, therefore young people make the most of stars's advatages to study. If the stars is (word form) not perfectly (word form) persons, this will not involve any their intelegent skills. So everyone can admire ir improve skills from stars, such as singing ,bassketball skill and so on. (Các ý trong câu không rõ và giống nhau)

moreover, the most youth (most the youth) focus on how to their stars work, play sport and do not care deeply indivial (private) life of their stars. For example, Lebron James is well-know  (spelling) basketball player, his fans just follow when he is playing and practing basketball and still admire him eventhough a lot of scandals related to him. And ( “and” không đứng đầu câu) so his scandals do not effect to (on) society.

It is also true that media or sport stars do not often set a good example, it impacts on the young people. There are, of course, Vietnamese students are being fluenced (word form) and spending money on fashionable Kpop stars, it is not suitable for Vietnamese style. But, forturnately these people are few.

In conclusion, the young people admire any stars, it is not bad effects to social development, Meanwhile ,we should not ignore the stars's (word form) negative effects (dùng quá nhiều từ “effect”)

Bài của bạn chưa làm nổi bật được các ý, quá nhiều từ lặp, còn dùng nhiều câu đơn và mỗi đoạn không có câu topic

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (12 điểm)
0 phiếu

nowadays, more and more the media and spoet (sport) stars ared (are )concerned (concerning) about they are admired by youth, but they have not enough quality for the young to imitate. However, whether that issue fluence positive or negative way to development.

(First,) first, there is no doubt that media or sport stars have some their's successful career, therefore(,) young people make the most of stars's (bỏ s theo qui tắc sở hửu cách)  advatages (advantages) to study. If the stars is (are ) not perfectly persons(bỏ s, nếu dùng số nhiều nên dung people) , this will not involve any their intelegent (intelligent) skills. So everyone can admire ir improve skill s from stars, such as singing ,bassketball skills and so on.

Mmoreover, the most youth focus how to their stars work, play sport and not without  caring deeply indivial (individial) life of their stars. For example, Lebron James is well-know basketball player, his fans just follow when he is playing and practing basketball and still admire him eventhough a lot of scandals related to him. And so his scandals do not effect to society.

It is also true that media or sport stars do not often set a good example, it impacton the young people. There are, of course, Vietnamese students are being fluenced and spending money on fashionable Kpop stars, it not suitable for Vietnamese style. But, forturnately these people are few.

In conclusion, the young people admire any stars, it not bad effects to social development, Meanwhile ,we should not ignore the stars's negative effects.

 

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (19 điểm)

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Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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