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TOPIC task 2 ngày 21/04/2016 :

Nowadays, more and more older people who need employment compete with the younger people for the same jobs. What problems this causes? What are solutions?

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Hướng dẫn sử dụng trong top Chữa đề IELTS hàng tuần:

Step 1: Click  ở cuối mỗi bài viết được post lên trong top để nhận xét bài viết của các mem khác (ưu tiên những bài chưa có góp ý nào nhé ^^ )

Step 2: Click nút  ở cuối topic này để post bài bạn viết lên. 

Step 2.5: Và đừng quên góp ý cho những bài viết trong mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để kiếm thêm point nhé :)

Luật của Top:

- Mỗi bạn sẽ post bài viết của mình lên dưới dạng góp ý (+2 point cho mỗi bài viết).
- Các bạn sẽ cùng viết, vote và nhận xét bài lẫn nhau trong Topic này.
- Bài viết nào được vote nhiều nhất sẽ được chọn làm bài viết hay nhất (+4 point).
 
Hạn chót nộp bài sẽ là 12h trưa sáng thứ 7 tuần này nhé :)

Have fun !

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Bài mẫu: Updating...

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã hỏi trong Chữa đề ielts hàng tuần bởi (-141 điểm)
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5 góp ý

0 phiếu

Em lần đầu tham gia, mong mng giúp đỡ ạ! ^^

There is an increasing number of elder people competing with the young in the labour market. This has led to some problems, and solutions need to be adopted to tackle the issue.

Many obvious problems will happen when the old start to find a job. The main problem is that young people are threatened by unemployment. Recruiters often appreciate the experience of elder applicants, and the old have the edge over younger candidates. Other speaking, seeking a job of the old puts a strain on the young who are finding a job as well. Furthermore, high unemployment rate triggers the rise of criminal activities. Having no stable income, the young resorts to stealing or do an illegal trade to feed themselves and their family. These actions have adverse impacts on not only the future of young individuals but also the safety of the community.

However, I believe that the appropriate measures of the government can mitigate the detrimental effects of this trend. Firstly, increasing the state pension is one of the ways to diminish the work securing incentive of elder people. The old can enjoin the rest of their life with a sufficient allowance instead of making ends meet like most young people. Secondly, the government could diminish the unemployment rate by attracting investment coming from domestic or international corporations. Therefore, both of the young and the old have chances to boost their earning and devote their ability to society.

In conclusion, we absolutely cannot ban the old from attending labour force and competing with the young at the same field, but the government can alleviate the adverse impacts through some practical measures.

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (7 điểm)

There is an increasing number of elder people the elderly competing with the young in the labour market. This has led to some problems, and solutions need to be adopted found/presented to tackle the issue.

Many obvious problems will happen when the old people at higher age start to find a job  search for full-time jobs. The main problem is that young people are will be threatened by unemployment. Recruiters often appreciate the experience of elder older applicants candidates, and the old have thus giving them the edge over younger candidates. Other speaking, In other words, seeking a job of the old their applications for work might put a strain on the young who are finding a job as well. Furthermore, high unemployment rate triggers the rise of criminal activities. Having no stable income, it is highly likely that the young will resort to stealing or do an illegal trade to feed themselves and their family. These actions have adverse impacts on not only the future of young individuals but also the safety of the community.

However, I believe that the appropriate measures of the government can apply these following measeures in order to mitigate the detrimental effects of this trend. Firstly, increasing the state pension is one of the ways to diminish the work securing incentive of the need for work among elder people. The old can enjoy the rest of their life with a sufficient allowance instead of struggling for making ends meet like most young people. Secondly, the government could diminish decrease the unemployment rate by attracting investment coming from domestic or international corporations. Therefore, both of the young and the old will have chances to boost their earning and devote their ability decate themselves to society.

In conclusion, we absolutely cannot ban the old elderly from attending labour force and competing with the young at the same field, but the government can alleviate the adverse impacts through some practical measures.

0 phiếu
Mọi người sửa giúp em với ạ. Em cảm ơn

Nowadays, more and more graduated students find it hard to get a job. The competitions come not only from other students but also from older people. Personally, I think this could lead to many problems and solutions should be found out to tackle it.

The competition in jobs between young and old people can cause a lot of problems. Firstly, the proportion of unoccupied people will increases as more people fight for the same job. From that, the amount of social problems will grows up. Secondly, the distribution in jobs will be effected as some jobs will be competed by too many people while some will be applied by very few. Thirdly, failed applicants may have to work in unfavored jobs so they cannot work with the best quality.

In order to eliminate this, solutions must be given. Considering the education, the requirements to be accepted to the fields which attract too much people in universities must be higher. For the jobs which attract less people the working conditions must be upgraded to attract more labours and equalise the job distribution. Lastly, companies should train the workers before they start working and they should be encouraged to take extra courses for developing necessary abilities.

Generally speaking, the job competition between young and old people is a big problem but with suitable solutions, it can be limited
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (12 điểm)

A cảm giác có 1 sự "gồng"  không hề nhẹ khi đọc câu văn e viết . Vì ngay đoạn mở bài là a biết e mới tập viết thôi, nhưng a trân trọng những gì em viết vì nhìn bài của e giống như a hồi xưa vậy .Thế nên a sẽ dùng mở bài của e , thay đổi 1 số ý + ngữ pháp . Em so sánh và tự rút ra nhé, khó quá thì inbox cho a để giải thích

Nowadays, more and more graduated students find it ( it ở đây là cái gì ) hard to get a job. The competitions ( cạnh tranh cái gì ) come not only from other students but also from older people. Personally, I think this( this ở đây là cái gì ) could lead to many problems and solutions should be found out to tackle it.

Mở bài mẫu dựa trên ý của em :

(Nowadays , more and more graduates feel uneasy to gain a specific job where not only young candidates , but also many older ones must be involved in  relativelly competitive rounds in order to demonstrate why they are qualified for the position. This increasing phenomenon could bring a lot of problems , but it seems to be possible to deal with , as discussed below )


The competition in jobs between young and old people can cause a lot of problems. Firstly, the proportion of unoccupied people ( mặc dụ unoccupied nghĩa tiếng Việt là nhàn rỗi , nhưng nó chỉ dùng cho object , không ai nói unoccupied people , mà phải là unemployed people ) will increases as more people fight for the same job. From that (Therefore,Thus....), the amount of social problems will grows up. Secondly, the distribution in jobs will be effected ( effect là noun , affect là verb ) as some jobs will be competed by too many people while some will be applied by very few. Thirdly, failed applicants may have to work in unfavored jobs so they cannot work with the best quality.

In order to eliminate this, solutions must be given. Considering the education, the requirements to be accepted to the fields which attract too much people in universities must be higher ( không hiểu ??). For the jobs which attract less people the working conditions must be upgraded to attract more labours and equalise the job distribution. Lastly ( Firstly chưa có mà sao có Lastly ?) , companies should train the workers before they start working and they should be encouraged to take extra courses for developing necessary abilities.

Generally speaking, the job competition between young and old people is a big problem but with suitable solutions, it can be limited

Band score : 5 at most

Practice make perfect!

em cám ơn a nhiều ạ
0 phiếu
Em mới tham gia lần đầu. mong mọi người giúp đỡ, e cảm ơn nhìu ạ ^^

 

Workforce is alsways regarded as the most concerned issue over nationwide. In reccent years, young aged people have to hard at seeking a job while increasingly numerous senior citizens also want to take a similar position. This essay will discuss the roots of the problem and apparently give some resolvements.

 

To begin with, there are several reasons that create higher and higher demand in job of the old. First of all, when the economy becomes more difficult than before, there will be surely the lack of job opportunities. For instance, a lot of companies and financial institutions consider the workforce reduction as a way to restructure their operation and improve their benefits. This results in the fact that a host of experienced employees have to build new career. Therefore, both the old aged candidates and junior ones find the same jobs. Meanwhile, fresh graduates get troubles in applying for a job due to the weak experience, leading the very rough competition in two generations’ s efforts to look for a job.

 

As regard some solutions to this malady, the most feasible action is to provide some efficient healthcare and social welfare programs in order to ensure that the old can retire without loosing their existing standard of living. Besides, implementing a fixed quota of positions for people under and over a certain age also helps alleviating this competition. Actually, developing economy is mainly necessary condition to create more job opportunities, resolving all aspects of the above phenomenon. However, this measure is requires a progress for a long time.

 

In conclusion, each generation has a specific advantage in work. It would be better if the enterprises could combine both ages’s work performance to exploit their ability best smartly,while also contribute to mitigate the competition.
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (11 điểm)
0 phiếu
Em mới tham gia lần đầu, mong mọi người giúp đỡ, e cảm ơn nhìu ạ^^

 

Workforce is alsways regarded as the most concerned issue over nationwide. In reccent years, young aged people have to hard at seeking a job while increasingly numerous senior citizens also want to take a similar position. This essay will discuss the roots of the problem and apparently give some resolvements.

 

To begin with, there are several reasons that create higher and higher demand in job of the old. First of all, when the economy becomes more difficult than before, there will be surely the lack of job opportunities. For instance, a lot of companies and financial institutions consider the workforce reduction as a way to restructure their operation and improve their benefits. This results in the fact that a host of experienced employees have to build new career. Therefore, both the old aged candidates and junior ones find the same jobs. Meanwhile, fresh graduates get troubles in applying for a job due to the weak experience, leading the very rough competition in two generations’ s efforts to look for a job.

 

As regard some solutions to this malady, the most feasible action is to provide some efficient healthcare and social welfare programs in order to ensure that the old can retire without loosing their existing standard of living. Besides, implementing a fixed quota of positions for people under and over a certain age also helps alleviating this competition. Actually, developing economy is mainly necessary condition to create more job opportunities, resolving all aspects of the above phenomenon. However, this measure is requires a progress for a long time.

 

In conclusion, each generation has a specific advantage in work. It would be better if the enterprises could combine both ages’s work performance to exploit their abilities best smartly,while also contribute to mitigate the competition.
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (11 điểm)

 

The Workforce is always regarded( tại sao lại là bị động? ) as the most concerned issue over nationwide?. In recent years, young age people have to hard( hard là adj s lại đặt sau to)  at seeking a job while increasingly numerous senior citizens (nên paraphase lại )also want to take a similar position. This essay will discuss the roots of the problem and apparently give some resolvements(từ này k có nghĩa).


 

To begin with, there are several reasons that create higher and higher demand in jobs of the old(the competition between the adults and the old in finding jobs). First of all,when the economy becomes more difficult than before, there will be( sau will be là V3(ed)) surely the lack of job opportunities(nếu là mình mình sẽ viết là the more difficult economy becomes,the less occupation opportunities people have)  . For instance, a lot of companies and financial institutions consider the workforce reduction as a way to restructure their operations and improve their benefits(enhance their profit) . This results in the fact that a host of experienced(nghĩa là s ) employees have to build new career( câu này nghĩa hơi lộn xộn). Therefore, both the old aged candidates and junior ones find the same jobs(tại s build newcareer lại same jobs câu này có lỗi về logic) . Meanwhile, fresh graduates get troubles in applying for a job due to the weak(người ta thường k dùng weak cho sth weak nên sử dụng cho s.o bạn có thể thay bằng a lack of )experience, leading(cái gì leading)the very rough competition in two generations’ s efforts to look for a job.


 

As regards some solutions to this malady, the most feasible action is to provide some efficient healthcare and social welfare programs in order to ensure that the old can retire without loosing their existing standard of living(healthcare services and social welfare programs are the most practical solution to ensure the standard of living of older people) . Besides, implementing a fixed quota of positions for people under and over a certain age also helps alleviating this competition( cạnh tranh gì). Actually, developing economy is mainly necessary( đã necessary thì k cần mainly)  condition to create more job opportunities, resolving(cái j là chủ ngữ của resolving) all aspects( từ khía cạnh k hợp nghĩa cho lắm ) of the above phenomenon( đây k được xem là hiện tượng) . However, this measure is requires( sau tobe k thể là động từ ) a progress for a long time.


 

In conclusion, each generation has a specific advantage in works. It would be better if the enterprises could combine both ages’s work performance to exploit( k ai nói khai thác khả năng cả ) their abilities best smartly,while also contribute to mitigate the competition.

 

 

inbox mình nếu có gì thắc mắc nha cố lên !
0 phiếu

Em lần đầu tham gia, mong mng giúp đỡ ạ

In recent years, more and more older people have become competitors with young employees for the same position. The phenomenon is causing many serious problems. This essay will discuss some major of issues before providing solutions to address it.

First, one of main problems is that the young candidates are able to face a risk of unemployment. It is hard for postgraduate students when they have to compete with the elderly who have more living and working experience and do not spend too much time to adapt to a new job. As the result, the postgraduate students may have difficulties to find a job and they are possible to work illegal jobs such as theft to make living. In additions, a lot of people compete for a same job which can lead to the shortage of labor in some jobs. For example, in Vietnam many people dream to become a banking staff, a doctor or businessmen while a variety of jobs such as engineer or machine repairer are ignored. Consequently, the large amount of customer’s demand can be solved because of this shortage.

To deal with this obstacle, I think that government, companies and individuals should bear responsibility together. Governments should increase welfare for retirees, by this way the working motivation of elderly can be reduced and they may not want to find a job to make living. Beside, companies and educating organizations need to cooperate to raise awareness of residents including younger and older people. They should help residents to realize that all of jobs have benefits for the society and should not focus to find a same job. Finally, each individual have to research working demand of society and know about personal strength and weakness to find one suitable employment’s opportunity.

In conclusion, the increasing of competition between the older employees and younger ones causing a range of harmful problems. Governments, associations, and individuals need give one hand together to make effective alternatives and deal with this issue.

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (7 điểm)

In recent years, more and more older people have become competitors with young employees for the same position. The phenomenon is causing many serious problems. This essay will discuss some major ( majority ) of issues before providing solutions to address it.

First, one of main problems is that the young candidates are able to face a risk of unemployment. It is hard for postgraduate students when they have to compete with the elderly who have more living and working experience and do not spend too much time to adapt to a new job. As the result, the postgraduate students ( hạn chế lặp từ ít nhất 2 câu - bạn có thể sử dụng " those " - tăng điểm coherent and cohesion )may have difficulties to find a job and they are possible to work illegal jobs such as theft to make living.(??) In additions, a lot of people compete for a same job which can lead to the shortage of labor in some jobs. For example, in Vietnam many people dream to become a banking staff, a doctor or businessmen while a variety of jobs such as engineer or machine repairer are ignored. Consequently, the large amount of customer’s demand can be solved because of this shortage.

To deal with this obstacle, I think that government, companies and individuals should bear responsibility together. Governments should increase welfare for retirees, by this way the working motivation of elderly can be reduced and they may not want to find a job to make living ( lặp từ , có thể sử dụng bring home bacon (idioms) hoặc chấm dứt ngay khúc này ). Beside( besides- adv), companies and educating organizations need to cooperate to raise awareness of residents including younger and older people. They should help residents to realize that all of jobs have benefits for the society and should not focus to find a same job. Finally, each individual have to carry out research on working demand of society and should be known about personal strength and weakness to find one suitable employment’s opportunity. ( câu không sai nhưng nghe hơi kì )

In conclusion, the increasing( increase - noun) of competition between the older employees and younger ones causing a range of harmful problems. Governments, associations, and individuals need give one hand together to make effective alternatives and deal with this issue.

Good job !

6.5 at most 

Practice makes perfect


Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
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