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TOPIC task 2 ngày 27/02/2016 :

More and more young people from wealthy countries are spending a short time in communities in poorer countries doing unpaid work such as teaching or building houses. Why?Who benefit more from this, the community or these young people?

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Hướng dẫn sử dụng trong top Chữa đề IELTS hàng tuần:

Step 1: Click  ở cuối mỗi bài viết được post lên trong top để nhận xét bài viết của các mem khác (ưu tiên những bài chưa có góp ý nào nhé ^^ )

Step 2: Click nút  ở cuối topic này để post bài bạn viết lên. 

Step 2.5: Và đừng quên góp ý cho những bài viết trong mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để kiếm thêm point nhé :)

Luật của Top:

- Mỗi bạn sẽ post bài viết của mình lên dưới dạng góp ý (+2 point cho mỗi bài viết).
- Các bạn sẽ cùng viết, vote và nhận xét bài lẫn nhau trong Topic này.
- Bài viết nào được vote nhiều nhất sẽ được chọn làm bài viết hay nhất (+4 point).
 
Hạn chót nộp bài sẽ là 12h trưa sáng thứ 7 tuần này nhé :)

Have fun !

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Rating: 8.87
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thre is no doubt that the number of abdolescents working as international volunteers such as teaching or buiding houses in developing countries has increased in recent years. The reasons and merits of this trend will be analysed in this essay.

the main reason is that young people want to gain more real experiences before they truely become a paid worker. For example, through teaching english classes in the third world, a lot of young adults are easier to get a well-paid job when they come back to their home town.

Another reason is that the young generation is being encouraged to shape a better world by helping poorer nations. As a result, more and more young people are going beyond their countries' boundaries to help other people. These volunteers work in a wide range of areas, from teaching children to cleaning the invironment in poorer countries. This helps buiding a better world for all of us.

The greatest benefits is that young people could learn lots of valueable experiences from these unpaid jobs. These experiences are the key for them to open the job market's door. Consequencely, these young workers are more confident and comfortable to apply for a job in the foreseeable future.

Another merit is that goverments from poverty nations have an international skillful work force to help them buiding their countries to be wealthy nations. Take english classes for instance, many childrent are being educated in non-fee english classes in the third world by native english speaking students. In return, these childrent might be easier to study abroad in the future and come back to their mother lands to build their countries to be better places.

In conclusion, young people from rich countries could learn a lot of experiences from volunteering works. However, I beleive that these unpaid jobs bring merits for both the developing world and young adults from the developed world.
Rating: 7.30
đã góp ý bởi (32 điểm)
0 phiếu
In recent years, there are many young people from wealthy countries decide to spend a short time doing volunteer works in poor communities. Their decisions can be explained mostly by three reasons.

First, it is apparent that almost all people do unpaid job for good intentions. Knowing that they have many advantages in life, young people in developed world want to use their resources to improve the poorer’s living. Besides, travelling to other countries gives them valuable experiences and chances to explore new cultures. Last but not least, in developed economy where the workforce is competitive, a well-rounded candidate is one with both professional knowledge and consideration of the growth of his society. Having volunteer activities on their resumes thus catalyzes young people job offers from big companies or admissions to well-known business schools.

In addition to benefits for volunteer people, the poor society also received lots of support. In fact, the benefit these activities bring to undeveloped countries it much greater than it seems to be. In short term, the poor people are helped to build their houses and their children are well taught. Then, in near future, young volunteer people in rich countries will have great power to make changes in the world. Clearly, their old experiences of undeveloped countries will make they feel more responsible for helping the poorer. Also, their knowledge of poor societies also enables them to make plan that is actionable.

To conclude, volunteer work in undeveloped countries is beneficial for both the rich and the poor. Indeed, these activities are essential for the sustainable growth of our world.
Rating: 7.60
đã góp ý bởi (19 điểm)
+2 phiếu
Nhờ các bạn sửa giúp

In recent years, it has become apparent that there is an increase in young volunteer from the wealthy region that decides to do unpaid work in developing countries. This essay will discuss principal reasons for this social phenomenon as well as reveal the side that benefits more.

First of all, although there are several reasons associated with this phenomenon, the most significant of which is the need of young people to possess the competitive background in order to increase job security. Therefore, young people feel the necessity for having voluntary certification so as to surpass other competitors. For example, an employer would desire to recruit a candidate who graduated with high score as well as had volunteering experience than a person who only possesses great score-band. In addition, another reason worth mentioning is that the procedure for oversea volunteer becomes simpler. Not only are there more volunteer abroad organization and project, many governments had shown the efforts to simplify the administrative formalities, such as visa procedure.

Secondly, although unpaid job is beneficial for both the volunteers and the poor regions, I am convinced that the former receive more profit than the later. Their unpaid work is a mere short-term solution for the community because of the restriction of time and budget. Accordingly, these projects rarely can make a significant change in the natives’ lives. On the contrary, these volunteer projects are considered as a great opportunity for the young people to build skills and experiences, to gain confidence, to make new friends and contacts as well as to identify more accurately their strengths, their drawbacks and their desires. Hence, they could become a new, better citizen and more competitive candidate for the job market.

In conclusion, the requirement of more competitive profile and the simplification of procedure are the two main reasons for this phenomenon. Although the volunteers benefit more from the unpaid works, it has long been my belief that the government should continue to help these projects.
Rating: 8.65
đã góp ý bởi (57 điểm)
build skills thì thôi, lại còn build cả experience
0 phiếu

TOPIC task 2 ngày 27/02/2016 :

More and more young people from wealthy countries are spending a short time in communities in poorer countries doing unpaid work such as teaching or building houses. Why?Who benefit more from this, the community or these young people?

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There is a worldwide trend that many teenagers from developed nations have chosen to work for a short period in developing or third countries in some unpaid position such as teaching or building house. Personally, i suggest that these young people are more advantageous than this particular community. To be specific, this essay will explain this situation and give some opinions.

In fact, there are many ways to explain why adolescent prefer working as international volunteer. Firstly, a interesting journey to many poorer countries could provide much valuable experience and some specific life skills such as interpersonal communication. As a result, it might broaden their minds and help them perfect their personality. Secondly, in some aspects, many less developed countries need a huge number of volunteers from other nations. For instance, many curriculums like english should be taught by westerners or native speakers who is better at pronunciation and communication.

In my opinion, this trend brings more benefits to adolescents than community simply because young people who obtain many positive characters and realistic skills through their trip could get a high-paid job in the future due to their increasing abilities. Although the community recieve their beneficial help, these voluntary activities are just a small contribution to our society compared to part-time workers.In addition, it is easy to recognize that young people from richer countries usually tend to pick many jobs that don't create large profit for some particular areas such as building houses or teaching children.

In conclusion,this popular phenomenon is beneficial for both society and young people but i think that adolescents gain more advantages than community.

 

Rating: 3.70
đã góp ý bởi (56 điểm)
–1 phiếu
That young generation nowadays usually come to developing countries or underdeveloped countries in their short holidays to attend voluntary activities like become teachers to teach poor children help or  build infrastructure for the local citizens.  In my opinion, I suggest that maybe probably both the youngers  and the local residents have many benefits from this actions. This essay aims to discuss some cause of this issue.

Many causes make the youngers decide to join in social activities in third countries. Firstly, most students or who have graduated want to add your profile a list of community activities mainly because most of the companies usually require their candidates have a impress curriculum vitae. So  they try to participate in doing unpaid work in some poor nations to make their resumes more brightening. Besides, the others actually want to assist poorer civilians maybe because they aware of many problems that the poor citizens in developed countries have to face like lack of teachers in some disadvantages areas, terrible status of works. Attending activities like building house, road improvement or even volunteer teachers, to name just a few also a way to express their attention to the poor in underdeveloped countries.

However, no one can deny that the advantages from charity programs by the young to the local citizens and the government. First of all, many children who have difficulties in attending school can have the opportunities to continue their studies by assistance from foreign volunteer teachers. For example, in areas meeting with difficult, children forced to leave the school or even they cannot go to the school like the same ages simply because they have to earn the money to support their families. Although, many the young foreign teachers from wealthy nations willing come to poorer regions and teach the children without fee.   Last but not least, the government cannot support all the families that get trouble in finance annually, so if the foreign volunteers help the residents built house, it would reduce the pressure of the poor on the government.

In conclusion, the youth in recent years from wealthy counties have trend of come developed nations and do works that they do not need require any ask about salary. It definitely not only bring many profits for the young but also the civilians in difficult countries.
Rating: 7.50
đã góp ý bởi (0 điểm)
+2 phiếu
Mình biết là IPP đã viết rất nhiều bài để giúp người học IELTS có nhiều nguồn tham khảo cho đề thi gần đây. Tuy nhiên sau khi đọc bài viết của các bạn thì mình thấy chất lượng cần phải xem lại. Mình góp ý chân thành với cương vị là một người dạy IELTS và muốn xây dựng một cộng đồng chất lượng hơn chứ không hề muốn cạnh tranh hay ném đá nên mình rất mong feedback sẽ được đón nhận với tinh thần cùng nhau xây dựng.

Bài này dùng khá nhiều collocation sang chảnh nhưng không đúng và native speaker và  ai đọc nhiều thì sẽ thấy bài viết này có quá nhiều vấn đề về cách dùng từ. Mình sẽ đưa ra một số ví dụ, các bạn có quyền tự do google và để google search xem là có ai viết hay dùng từ như vậy không nhé. Một số Ví dụ:

 

Không ai dùng the recruiter is finding mà phải là recruiter is looking for, foster a sense of community thay vì engender the feeling of community, to secure the improved humanity--> không hiểu ý là gì, unsalaried work--> unpaid work, cụm emerging markets thì có nhưng emering countries thì không có, bạn có thể dùng underdeveloped hay third world countries đều chấp nhận được. Throughout these journey of youths --> không ai dùng.  Surpass other rivals --> không có collocation này.

Get to know many walks of people--> meet people from all walks of life

Từ doer ở đây dùng không hợp lý vì doer chỉ những người làm nhiều hơn nói chứ không phải những người volunteer.

Youngster: là chỉ những người dưới tuổi vị thanh niên, chưa trưởng thành, 16 tuổi trở xuống mà đề bài thì nói young people, ở đây có thể hiểu những người trẻ tuổi chảng hạn như sinh viên.

...Còn nhiều chỗ nữa mà mình không muốn viết hết.

Cảm ơn bạn. Hy vọng lần sau sẽ thấy những bài viết chất lượng hơn.
Rating: 8.75
đã góp ý bởi (9 điểm)

Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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