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Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 từ IELTS Planet - Học IELTS Online.
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Topic: Some people think that there should be some strict controls about noise. Others think that they could just make as much noise as they want. Discuss both views and give your opinion. 

 

Sample:  People have differing views about whether to control noise or not. While some people suppose that the authorities should attempt to find an efficient solution to curbing noise. I believe that. It would seem that people should be allowed produce as much as noise as they wish.

on the one hand, there is likely to be common belief that the government should put noise under control because of some reasons. In the modern life, the world seems to become excessive levels of noise than any time. For instnace the loud sound of vehicles or building construction and many kinds of others things. Noise is one of a detrimental threat to the health and safety of the human. According to the statistics of the scientists. There is a wide range of life-threatening diseases such as deafness or even neuropathy caused by noise.

On the other hand, I would strongly endorse that, people should have the right to create noise. The main reason for this statement that firstly, noise plays an integral part to reduce the stress that the human suffers as well as at the moment. For example, Karaoke singing or playing any musical instrument plays an important role of recreational actives. Furthermore, generating noise freely also seems to ensure fully liberty. For instance, in Viet Nam, every person could possibly have the freedom to produce noise even after 11 pm

In conclusion, although there are some reasonable arguments against having the freedom to create the noise I seem to be that people have the right to make the noise if they want to. Because the noise is a part of the life.

Rating: 6.00
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Hi Ngochoa! I am a newbie on this forum too. I will give some personal feedbacks for your essay. I hope you will find them useful. If I say something wrong, don't be upset.  

Task response: You discuss 2 view detailedly; however you do not point out your opinion clearly enough. 

Cohension and coherence: Your paragraph structure is good: topic sentence -> supporting setences. However linking words should be used in a better way.

Lexical resource: I wonder rightness of  some phrasal nouns as: detrimental threat; create noise; differing views.

In addition, there are some typos (spelling mistakes)

Grammartical range and accuracy: 

Range: all sentences is PS (Present Simple); Conditional sentences: no; Passive voice: no;

Accuracy: noise is one of a detrimental ... it seems illogically because "one of a" 

could possibly... it seems two words for one meaning

you seem overuse "seem" 

I suggest you rewrite the introduction and conclusion

Overally your essay is good; however you should be more careful about spelling. 

Rating: 6.60
đã góp ý bởi (15 điểm)

I have edited my essay. Could you check for me? Thank you so much

Some people think that there should be some strict controls about noise. Others think that they could just make as much noise as they want. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Sample:  People have differing views about whether to control noise or not. While some people suppose that the authorities should attempt to find an efficient solution to curbing noise. I believe that it would seem that people should be allowed produce as much as noise as they wish.

on the one hand, there is likely to be common belief that the government should put noise under control because of some reasons. In the modern life, the world tends to become excessive levels of noise than any time. Take the example of  this is the loud sound of vehicles or building construction and many kinds of others things. Noise is one of the most detrimental threat to the health and safety of the human. According to the statistics of the scientists. There is a wide range of life-threatening diseases such as deafness or even neuropathy caused by noise.

On the other hand, I would strongly endorse that, people should have the right to create noise. The main reason for this statement that firstly, noise plays an integral part to reduce the stress that the human suffers as much as at the moment. An illustration of this is karaoke singing or playing any musical instrument that plays an important role of recreational actives. To add to this, generating noise freely also could ensure fully liberty. For instance, in Viet Nam, everybody is likely to have the freedom to produce noise even after 11 pm. For these reasons, It is necessary to make uproar free because of considerable benefit of it

In conclusion, although there are some reasonable arguments against having the freedom to create the noise I personally believe that people have the right to make the noise if they want to. Because the noise is an essential part of the life.

I am honestly not a master in writing. However if I were you I would write the introduction in the following way:  

People have differing [different] views about whether to control [controlling] noise or not. While some people suppose that the authorities should attempt to find an efficient solution to curbing noise. I believe that it would seem that people should be allowed produce as much as noise as they wish. In this essay I will some arguments for both views and point out my opinion. 

You can check collocation (differing and views together)

Thank you so much
0 phiếu
Thank for your commentary!
 
However, I will send some my explanations to you!
 
Task response 
 
- I support for the idea of noise permission. in my essay, I also use some words to prove that thing such strongly, believe..
 
Cohesion and coherence
 
- I think so, too. I will improve this issue
 
Lexical resource
 
- I believe that those words are suitable because I use phrases in the web of collocation
 
Grammatical range and accuracy
 
- I also used the passive voice: Such as "There is a wide range of life-threatening diseases such as deafness or even neuropathy caused by noise." However, I feel that my grammar is not still good
 
- I will avoid word repeat for example: seem
-can you tell me why I should rewrite the introduction and conclusion
 
Finally, I wish that I will see a lot of your commentary. 
I hope we together have many successful

 

 

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đã góp ý bởi (10 điểm)

Task response

- I support for the idea of noise permission. in my essay, I also use some words to prove that thing such strongly, believe.. If I were you I would give my opinion in a distinct paragraph.

Grammatical range and accuracy

 - I also used the passive voice: Such as "There is a wide range of life-threatening diseases such as deafness or even neuropathy caused by noise." I do not agree that this sentence is a passive voice.

Can you tell me why I should rewrite the introduction and conclusion: I honestly can’t see your essay structure reading the introduction ( what will you give in next paragraphs). You should replace simple sentences by complex sentences in the introduction and conclusion.


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