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TOPIC task 2 của tuần này ngày 31/10/2015 :

Scientist agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Hướng dẫn sử dụng trong top Chữa đề IELTS hàng tuần:

Step 1: Click  ở cuối mỗi bài viết được post lên trong top để nhận xét bài viết của các mem khác (ưu tiên những bài chưa có góp ý nào nhé ^^ )

Step 2: Click nút  ở cuối topic này để post bài bạn viết lên. 

Step 2.5: Và đừng quên góp ý cho những bài viết trong mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để kiếm thêm point nhé :)

Luật của Top:

- Mỗi bạn sẽ post bài viết của mình lên dưới dạng góp ý (+2 point cho mỗi bài viết).
- Các bạn sẽ cùng viết, vote và nhận xét bài lẫn nhau trong Topic này.
- Bài viết nào được vote nhiều nhất sẽ được chọn làm bài viết hay nhất (+4 point).
 
Hạn chót nộp bài sẽ là 12h trưa sáng thứ 7 tuần này nhé :)

Have fun !

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Rating: 8.03
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share bài về Wall để xem lại ===>

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+1 phiếu
There are some opinions that overeating unhealthy diet, especially junk food can be damaged to people's health. To solve this problem, many people believe that education about the importance of health, nutrition and diet can be the answer. However, others believe this measure is unlikely to be effective. As far as I am concerned, the training about health to people can work efficiently but not be able to solve the whole problem.

The reason why focusing on health education is an appropriate method is that it addresses one underlying cause of the problem. Children are not applied enough knowledge about health at school, and are not taught to raise the awareness of taking care of themselves. Moreover, parents tend to underestimate the importance of the nutrition balance in their children’s servings every day, which leads to the bad and unhealthy eating habits in the significant number of children nowadays.  For many reasons above, it is obvious that the young will be more aware of healthy food and positive lifestyles when being taughted at home and school. This can help them to reduce fast food and convenience food in their daily consumptions, and have a clear measure to keep fit through fresh and nutritious diet.

On the other hand, better health education is not a complete answer because it ignores the wider social factors causing people to eat unhealthily. For instance, many people choose fast food to eat since they are too occupied to spend time on preparing meals. Furthermore, they like eating out because it is likely to make them feel convenient and familiar with the modern world nowadays. In these cases, despite being educated about health, they will still not give up the bad eating habits and maintain their lifestyles. Last but not least, educating systems seem to be so sophisticated to suitable for all kinds of people conditions such as health status, time of working or eating allergies.

In conclusion, the suggestion is that better health training should be seen as a feasible measure, but we need more effort to build a standard method for the solution. This problem might be better tackled with the involvement of all families, schools and governments.
Rating: 6.97
đã góp ý bởi (9 điểm)
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Chào bạn,

Khi đọc bài của bạn mình có cảm nhận chung như sau:

1. Đoạn opening: hơi dài và bị lặp từ. Việc overeating junk food đã rõ ràng là damaged to health rồi nên không cần phải "there are some opinion" nữa. Mình mạn phép được sửa theo thiển ý của mình như sau:

There are some opinions that overeating unhealthy diet, especially junk food can be damaged to people's health. To solve this problem, many people believe that education about the importance of health, nutrition and diet can be the answer. However, others believe this measure is unlikely to be effective. As far as I am concerned, the training about health to people can work efficiently but not be able to solve the whole problem. => It is scientifically proven that overeating junk food can be damaged to people's health. To solve this problem, eduation on the importance of health, nutrition and diet can be considered as a key to answer, while some believe this measure is unlikely to be effective. As far as I am  concerned, the training on health can work effeiciently but not be able to solve the whole problem.

2. Câu topic sentence của 2 đoạn văn phần body có vẻ như chưa được chắc ý.

 

0 phiếu

Mong mọi người góp ý giúp em ạ.

Health issue has constantly evolved as a major concern of topic in recent years. While multiple residents who subscribe to the view that education is feasible solution to solve unhealthy situation of citizens because they are consuming much more odds and ends food, other people disagree with that perspective.

There is no disputing the fact that well-educated foundation is one of auspicious methods to deal with the issue. The primary reason is when both parents and institutes taught their delinquents about detrimental impacts while eating little value nutrition as junk food. As a result, schoolchildren who are easily attracted by the diversity of colorful elements into useless food will have fundamental perception about the quality of nourishment and become smart consumers when buying commodity. Another significant explanation supporting this point is proven evidence demonstrates that a majority of enlightened classes are healthier than illiterate citizens.

On the other hand, I am persuaded that although residents are trained in standard schooling environment, they are still suffocating multiple diseases in proportion to the overconsumption of rubbish food. Cultural influences get to the root of the problem to cultivate worse impacts. Typically in Viet Nam traditional culture, a variety of junk food exemplifies street customs when most residents are willing to sit down on sidewalks to enjoy their useless food. Even universities where have trained knowledgeable pupils, attract a lot of street vendors in its front yard owing to the high demand of discard food. In addition, temptation plays crucial role to increase a number of junk food lovers. This segment enforcing favorable customers forgets about unhygienic ingredients of this kind of food.

In conclusion, although literacy can improve people’s health by guiding them compelling techniques to choose nutritional substances. I am of opinion that educational methodology does not help too much owing to customs and junk food’s seduction.

(306 words)

 

Rating: 0.60
đã góp ý bởi (138 điểm)

Từ vựng rất đa dạng và phong phú ,nhưng mình chỉ cho bạn 2 lỗi ( không phải là sai nhưng khiến người đọc thuộc hàng " ngu văn " như mình rất khó hiểu bạn đang viết  cái gì) 

1. Đọc kĩ đề bài và bạn thấy nó nói tới 2 chủ đề căn bản : Food and Health --> Nhét từ vựng liên quan vào Food ( nutrion, high calories , fat, protein , cholesterol ... ) , Health ( lôi bệnh hoạn ra mà bỏ vào như heart disseas , cardiovascular system.... ) whatever . Đôi khi những từ bạn tưởng đơn giản lại là nòng cốt để người đọc biết bạn muốn viết về cái gì

Nhưng trong bài của bạn : ngoài từ food ,.... hết rồi . Mình chả thấy bất kỳ cái từ nào nữa . Ai không hiểu nghĩa nourishment ,nutrion thì cũng như không

2. Paraphrase cho cẩn thận 

- junk food ( mở wiki ra nó cho bạn 3 từ )= street food , snack food ,fast food , or any food which contain a large amount of sugar, fat .... and low of vitamin and protein.

- Nhưng trong bài bạn viết junk food , useless food , discard food ???? ( paraphrase sai hoàn toàn )

 

0 phiếu

Practice makes perfect ! And the essay I wrote is not perfect yet! :))

Contemporary science reports enables the public to recognize the jeopardy of processed food in this day and age . While many think that the enhancement of people whose health is degraded by these type of food shall be recovered from education, some do not

On the one hand , the great availability of fast food is not lie on its structural ingredients, but other aspects that education cannot affect . Firstly , the convenience of " fast " hamburgers involve in brunch or tea-time period is likely to provide a complementary energy for not only white-collar workers but also blue-collar ones whose precious time is unavailable . Secondly, the inherent basic instinct of human-beings is to fed as much as possible , so with a menu which full of aromas from fat to fibre as a set combo of Mac Donald is able to stimulate appetite to any hungry people, even they are educationist and they know how adversely the junk food have effect on. 

One the other hand , it is not implausible that education also beneficially penetrate on what people ate, being eat and will eat . In fact , the youth is susceptible to get engagement in some unwillingly malnourished diets because they are in growth , burning more calories   . Hence , obeying an appropriate healthy regulations which teachers impart to students is virtually useful to their prospective physique and intelligence . Moreover, the validity of educating people how terrible the consequence is when they consume a excessive proportion of fast food  will be instrumental to prevent a myriad of societal head-aching topics such as obesity , cardiovascular disorders, hypertension and the like.

Once having elucidated abovementioned issues  , my personal perspective is that, only via education , will humanity know the side-effect of convenient food , which result in the majority of ubiquitous triumphs in battling with junk food worldwide

(316 words)

Rating: 7.58
đã góp ý bởi (84 điểm)
0 phiếu
Consuming large amount of fast food everyday is proven to have negative impact on our health. While some argue that educating will not help solve the problem, I believe that together with other solutions, education can make the problem less severe.

There are various explanations why people think that raising public awareness will not work. Firstly, although people are well-perceived about detrimental effect of fast food on their health, they just cannot stop being attracted by its high availability with reasonable price and good taste. For example, people can easily buy a hamburger and chips together with soft drink at Mc Donald just on their doorstep. Furthermore, junk food is very convenient for those who are too busy with their workload to have time enjoying traditional meals. The above reasons make people eat more fast food at the expense of their health.

In spite of these arguments, I believe that educating will help improve people’s diet. In my opinion, when receiving more nutritional and caloric information of junk food and related diseases caused by its long-term consumption, people will naturally reduce the amount they take in to protect their health. In addition, healthier eating habit and lifestyle can be stimulated by educating. For instance, gluten free food is now very popular in Australia as people’s knowledge about effect of gluten on so-called celiac diseases increases.

In conclusion, although it might seem that education alone hardly can solve the health problems caused by fast food, it is among the effective solutions which should be applied to better the scenario.
Rating: 6.50
đã góp ý bởi (7 điểm)
0 phiếu
Hope that everyone will help me to find the mistakes and correct them!

In these days, there are increasingly  a lot of kinds of junk food, which mostly do harm to our health. To solve this urgent problem, some suggestions are to give education to people. However, some opposed to this solution. For me, profound education will work well if we know the right way.

On one hand, there are some thoughts that educating people is not effective. It can be true if the knowledge given is not enough and just  theoretical. For example, to advise someone not to eat fried hot dog too much, it doesn’t definitely make ay sense if we just say that this kind of food is harmful to your health because they were fried by used oil which contained a lot of toxic factors such as dioxin,…In this case, whatever said to the food-users has no impact on the way they think about junk food.

On the contrary, deep knowledge accompanied by creative educating method is very promising. The best way is to raise people’s awareness of how these food will affect their health. Instead of just telling, we can show them pictures about the process of making these food nowadays, which is mostly dirty ad unhygienic.  After that, using lively videos showing how the harmful factors in these food damage people’s organs is a powerful method. These creative ways will work well because they show the clear consequences of eating junk food to people, warn them to protect their precious health before damaged by themselves .Therefore, it can form and improve the awareness of the major, especially students, children,…if it is popularly educated in schools, universities,….

In conclusion, with the increasing using of junk food resulting health damages, giving deep and profound education in lively way can improve the situation. However, it is much better if everyone is well-realised and knows how to protect themselves wisely.

(309 words)
Rating: 6.00
đã góp ý bởi (4 điểm)
0 phiếu

It is true that unhealthy food cause to various problem for people. Although there is an argue that educating people will not effective on this case, I still believe that education will play an important role to combat these issue.

 

There are several reasons why educating people to prevent junk food is not work at this time. The most clearly reason is that people are going to be more and more busy these day, so that fast food may suitable for them because they are significantly time-saving and affordable. Pizza and hamburger, for example, with a lovely price and attractive savor would be easily got attention from people. In addition with the effective advertising on TV and the home delivery services, people and especially kids would be addicted if they do not have a dietician or the knowledge about health education.

 

Despite the above arguments, I believe governments should try to provide the knowledge about health care to civil. Educating children seems easily than educating adults, so if school invited some dietician to teach them about health problem it might be effective. Giving them pictures from obesity people or showing the consequences due to eat too much junk food, they will be scared and do not want to eat fast food again. There are many ways to provide the information of drawbacks when eating unhealthy food to people. Sharing on the internet, newspaper or TV can be work due to people use those everyday. 

 

In conclusion, educating civil about unhealthy food seems hard in some ways, but I consider that education is the key part to protect the health's community.

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (32 điểm)
0 phiếu
It is true that eating more fast food could have detrimental effects on our health. While some people argue that educating people with these problems could be effective, i believe that this solution has limited effectiveness.

On the one hand, it is true that education would be benefical to some certain people. In fact, housewives who are well informed about negative impacts of junk food such as overweight, heart disease and diabetes seem to pay more attention on the their intake. What this will lead to is that they will prepare more healthy diets for their family with higher proportion of vegetables and fruit. Furthermore, people who want to lose weight or keep fit are often more concerned about their diet. Such lessons about a balanced diet provide them some helpful advice to achieve their goals. If they neglected the importance of nutrition in food, they would waste their time to do physical exercises.

On the other hand, i support on the belief that education fails to address problem causing by convenience food. One reason of this may relate to the abundant number of advertisements for unhealthy food on main media. Children are often vulnerable to such attractive marketing campaign, so they probably consume more fast food. Another cause of ineffectiveness of education is that people have less time to cook. In fact, there are more dual income families these days, so fast food restaurants are the best choice for these families because of its tasty food and time-saving.

In conclusion, although education has some benefits to tackle convenience food problems, it would be far from a powerful method to reduce people eating junk food.
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